Letting 11 yo dd go abroad with friend and family. Now I regret it

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My dd has been invited on a 3 day trip abroad with her friend and her parents. All is booked and dd knows about it. But now I have regrets. Trust the parents to look after dd etc but I think I may have made a huge mistake. I can’t stop crying. It will be dd first time abroad without me. She has been away for a few days around the uk with clubs she attends but never been a plane ride away, what if she needs me? I can’t just jump in car and go collect her. I’m in an absolute panic now. Aibu to cancel her going? I struggle with and anxiety so this could be my anxiety or am I being completely unreasonable in letting her go??

I went to France with school aged 11 - we all outnumbered the teachers dramatically unlike how it will be with your daughter and her friends parents! And I’m sure we were gone 10 days! She’ll have a great time.

Please don’t cancel, keep a positive face around her and wish her a lovely time.
Find ways of coping with your anxiety while she is gone.
My mum used to get anxious about things and definitely held me back at times and passed on anxiety about things to me. I have tried very hard not to do the same with my DDs because I just don’t want them to be like me

I went on my first abroad school trip at 11. My best friend who I went with turned on me while we were there and bullied me horrifically the whole time. I rang my mum every night crying, and now as an adult I think about how horrific that must have been for her.

But if I could go back in time I’d want to go on the trip again. It was an awful time, but I learnt so much about resilience, about how my mum was there for me and could still help me from a distance (something that’s been really important for me to know as an adult when she can’t always physically be there!) and learning to navigate difficult situations that you can’t run away from.

This is the tough part of parenting. Your job is turn out well rounded, capable adults. Part of that is giving your kid the chance to have amazing experiences, but also experiences that might have trials and tribulations that they have to resolve without you. Whether this is a great trip for your daughter, or whether she goes and “needs” you and you can’t be there - it is likely to be good for her in the long run if she has a loving parent who is contactable and waiting for her at home.

If it helps, work out how you would get there in an absolute emergency. I actually do feel like I could just in the car and get to somewhere abroad as I live a short drive away from a few international airports with planes flying out day and night.

Look up how regularly the flights are from your nearest airports so you feel less like she is cut off from you. It’s likely you would not ever have to wait long for a flight to where she is unless she is gong somewhere really unusual (which I doubt for a 3 day trip). You won’t ever need to take the flight but things like this do help me to rationalise. If they can get there for a fun trip, you could get there in an emergency.

This is a really good point!

Try and let this be a catalyst to seek treatment for your anxiety op. If your dd is excited to go, and you trust the other parents, there is no rational reason your dd won’t enjoy such a short trip.

If she needs you for any reason, she can text you can’t she on a phone belonging to her hosts if she doesn’t have one herself?

And breathe! Try not to show your anxiety to your dd. It’ll be such a gift to her to go and enjoy this trip and even if she finds parts of it challenging, it will be a great experience for you both.

I agree with PPs, OP. The anxiety is yours to learn to manage, and not something you should be even contemplating allowing to curtail your child’s life. I get that it’s difficult.

There’s a part of your brain that is there to keep you safe, so it constantly looks for threats and catastrophises. It never thinks through the lovely safe possibilities because there’s no need to plan for those. It’s why anxiety spirals: you know it’s not in proportion to the reality of the situation. I’m so anxious I actually sewed AirTags into my kid’s clothes when he went on a holiday camp, so I honestly do get it. But what I didn’t do was tell him he couldn’t go.

A PP has it right - don’t let her world be smaller because of your anxiety. I went abroad for a week when I was 11 on a school trip. She will be fine. You may be a nervous wreck throughout, but suck it up. And maybe it will help you next time to draw on this experience. Good luck!

This is your anxiety, don’t make it your DD’s problem. Wave her off with the biggest smile you can muster, then seek support. I say this as the child of a wonderful, but very anxious mother, but also a very relaxed and equally wonderful father. He made sure I was confident and could face the world and all it has to offer (good and bad).

Let your daughter go and have a wonderful experience. Make plans for things to do for yourself while she is away. DD aged 8 flew to America on her own to stay with relatives for Christmas. Children have to develop independence and so do you.

Firstly It’s on you are feeling this way. But it’s also not a normal level of anxiety I would say. I would be the EXACT same as you but I know it’s not proportionate and I will have to work on that when the time comes for me as I do not want to project my anxieties to my kids. You’ve also had this feeling when the idea of the trip came up but deep down knew it was the right thing to book it so well done.

You need to accept that you made a decision to allow your daughter to go abroad with her friend/family, and let her go. It's not your daughter's fault or responsibility to manage your anxiety. If you cancel the trip, your daughter will be extremely upset (and quite rightly so) and it also means you are giving in to your anxiety.

No, you won't be able to hop on a plane if your daughter is homesick, but this is something you surely discussed with her before agreeing to the trip?! If your daughter is homesick, she'll have to stick it out... it's 3 days, not 3 weeks.

Are you receiving any professional help for your anxiety? If not, please try to find someone to help you. Don't hold your daughter back, because of your own emotions/feelings.

Nothing has happened it is just because the trip is booked and getting closer that my anxiety is spiralling, dd is very excited and has no idea of my anxiety as I am trying to be all smiles around her.

Then it would be even more cruel to ban her from going out of the blue.

I'm sorry but your mental health issues aren't your daughter's. You need to separate them.

I think you should maybe seek some help for anxiety.

My DD went to Italy for a week at 11 without me

This summer my 11 year old son went to Europe for 8 days with Scouts, he's just about to go to secondary school. I worried about whether it was too much for him, he's fairly introverted. We were not allowed any contact for those 8 days (unless it was an emergency).

He had a wonderful time, he came home a little more confident in his abilities and he was walking a little bit taller. I understand that each child is different, my daughter would not be up for 8 days away at all, but it seems yours is.

I managed my worries by focusing on the little life lessons that he could get out of it. We packed his bag together, we thought about what things to pack to make his life easier whilst abroad. We talked about being organised; remembering to put on sun screen, to remembering to use bug spray, deal with his wet clothes, what he would do if he was feeling sad, making sure he could manage the money in his wallet etc.

I'm so pleased I let him go. I think it will be something he'll remember forever.

Your daughter is 11, she will be fine. Honestly, if it is causing you this much anxiety, you need to see your doctor and get some treatment. This level of anxiety is irrational and debilitating.

It’s booked now, it would be rude to cancel and upset your DD. I wouldn’t explain the anxieties to your daughter as this may make her anxious. I would speak to the family taking her and just mention casually to them you are a little apprehensive about her being away. I’m sure they would understand.
Get all the travel-accommodation details and arrange your daughter to check in with you once a day to put your mind at rest - a quick text message would do the job. She’ll probably have a fab time!

I was once in your shoes, but with a school trip. So I took unpaid leave and went to the same destination, for the same duration and just kept my distance, nobody apart from dc knew, I kept my distance.

She needs to go on this trip.

Its only 3 days, she is with a good friend and adults you trust.

It is a fantastic opportunity and she will gain a lot from it.

11 is not young to be spending time away from you.

Your anxieties are your responsibility and while uncomfortable for you should not be allowed to negatively impact your Dd.

Of course she must go, get help and strategies to manage your anxiety for your own sake and for your DD’s.

What's the worst that can realistically happen? That she doesn't enjoy herself and has a miserable few days and then is back home safe with you. That would be a shame, but it wouldn't be a disaster. More likely is that she'll have a fun time and you by letting her go will be helped to deal with the worry that it's natural to feel; you'll get through it.

Your DD will be leaving home forever in the future and I think you need to find a way to get through this trip as a first step.
I'm so glad you're masking your anxiety in front of her, well done.

You can do this - you HAVE to for both your sakes.

I went abroad for first time at that age with school. I don’t think it’s at all unusual.

Don’t ruin it for DD.

When I was this age we were sent alone for a week to live with a French family, who my parents didn’t know, and who didn’t speak any English.

We were fine!

Let her go, what a great opportunity for her.

Eleven years old is about the average for a first school trip abroad, so it's obviously deemed an appropriate age to go. And your daughter will be with a family, so there will be arguably more supervision than with a class full of kids and a couple of teachers. You mustn't hold your daughter back because of your anxiety or you will pass it on to her and affect the rest of her life.

She's 11 and it's 3 days. That's nothing to get wound up about.

Your anxiety should not be restricting her life experiences. If you haven't already sought help for it, you should.