AIBU to decline going to 90th birthday party?

[Bookworm05]

We've been invited to my step dad's mums 90th birthday party. The only thing is, we live four hours away from the party and have two young children (age 6 and 2). The party is on a Sunday. It would be an eight hour round trip (without stop offs!) to travel on the Sunday, with school the next day. If we stayed over the night before, we would also miss Halloween, which sounds daft but it's my 6 year old's favourite day of the year with her friends!
With it being half term that week, we are also taking a trip to see other family for a few days, and it's both of my children's birthdays at the start of the half term too.
The rest of the extended family are going to the party. I feel like I'm being difficult but it's such bad timing for a party and feels too much for us!
AIBU for not wanting to go?

Not at all. I presume you’re not close?

I can’t believe there would be an expectation that you’d do this. Not for a 90th birthday 4 hours away.

Invitation not a summons and all that jazz.

Depends on how close you are. If close and you love the person you go and stay overnight one night to break the journey. Not not close you don't. No right or wrong here. 90 is a huge milestone and tbh in my job the last 0 most people if they lucky get too.

I think it depends on your relationship. I wouldn't for my dad's wife because she's never been a nice person.

For my stepdad with whom I'm very close, I'd travel down the night before and pay for accommodation because the kids and I love him.

What age would be acceptable? That’s a strange thing to quote. Surley the age is even more relevant. She won’t have much time left on earth so make an effort and go. This is what being family is all about. MN always going on about blended families and importance, is that only when it’s step children and then when 90 it doesn’t matter.

Thanks all! Love my stepdad. We were closer to his mum when I was a teenager but obviously since growing up, having my own family and living so far away we don't see them as much. I guess I'd definitely be more up for going if I didn't have to work the next day. I'm a teacher so can't take the day off to break the journey home up. The kids will nap in the car and then be up half the night. Eek. It just feels a lot, but maybe you're right and we should make the effort.

My parents are in their 80s, a party is the last thing they’d want. Too tiring having too many people around, they’d feel obliged to make an effort if I did an 8 hour round trip with a 4yo and a 2yo at the end of half term with school and work the next day. They’d love to see us, but at a time that works better for everyone involved. At this point they don’t care about 88, 89, 90 or parties or celebrations on any given day. Tbh neither do I. It’s not relevant in the context of what family means!

@canklesmctacotits I agree! My mum even said that my stepdad's mum would probably only stay an hour because she doesn't like being out much.

I would decline but make a date to go another time where you can maybe stay over and plan it a bit more. If they love you then they’ll understand. Far too much driving a stress at then end of half term and a Sunday with work etc.

I wouldn't go. I would plan to see her in the next holiday.

Can you go alone? Far less stressful.

I'd just have one or more childer develop a convenient cough that you wouldn't want to pass on to a ninety year old...😉

If go because not too many live until 90, so it will probably be her last big birthday and she probably wants all the people she loves to be with her that day. Maybe perhaps leave a bit early as long journey back with DC.

I don't even know how I would:

• entertain a 2 year old for 4 hours in a car seat
• then expect him to be perfectly behaved and happy for all the extended relatives he doesn't know in the middle of a loud party
• then do another 4 hour drive
• then be sane for work on Monday morning

My own mother wouldn't ask me for this.

Old neighbour of ours turned 100 a couple of years ago, we have since moved to a new area about 3 hours away and was undecided if should go to party. We did and I can honestly say it was the best one I have ever been to, she had a giant cake and 4 Chippendales inside. Jamie Oliver's friend (Jimmy ?) did the BBQ. Free unlimited drinks and pig racing where the winner won a hamper and the loser did a lap of the barn naked

So my point is just because of the age of someone please do no write it off until you've tried it

I’d go and travel on the Saturday, there’s usually Halloween parties the week leading up so no need to miss out

Can you arrange a video message they can play her? I'd never subject my children to that level of insane travelling in one day, let alone the day before school.

Just say you can't make it due to small children, long journey and school next day. But you're recording her a video to wish her happy birthday to be played at some point, and send her a big bunch of flowers or a cake to add to the birthday tea.

Ah, that's different!

My stepdad had big birthday parties up until his 97th. People did travel a long way because it mattered to him, and he mattered to them. If your gran isn't even that keen on parties, give it a miss. Phone your stepdad so he doesn't feel you're letting HIM down.

I would make the effort ...as you are close to step dad . At 90 she hasn't a lot of time ahead and I think I'd regret not being there on a very significant birthday . I would imagine she would love to see you all. I know its inconvenient for you...but its doable

Personally I'd go if it was someone who I used to be close to, but I'd not take the kids. Either I'd go without my husband if no one could look after them (after all its you she wants to see) or see if someone would take them for Saturday night to Sunday night

You even need to ask?

Yes, going by yourself is an obvious compromise. Otherwise, send some combination of a massive card, flowers, cake, video message.

That's madness no way would I do that trip!