AIBU to want our daughter to have a phone for Year 7?

[DHissues]

I don’t have many people to talk to and would really like some input into the matter please.

DD has never had a phone whereas almost all the girls (maybe even all except DD) in her class had one from year 5. I know for a fact DD missed out on all the get togethers as the girls would arrange via their phones. DD was upset but always understood our reasoning. I picked up DD and her younger sister from school everyday and they went breakfast club so I felt no need for a phone,

Now that she’s going into year 7 I feel we need to re-address this and I think she needs one. Especially as she will have to wait outside the school gates or even walk along the road to meet me do we need to communicate. DD has autism and is vulnerable in terms of she won’t look when crossing road and will be overwhelmed at first so for the first term I decided I will pick her up and drop off and second term I will help her become more independent. She’s happy with this. DH has put a spanner in the works and said definitely no phone. This is the guy who does zero childcare, doesn’t even know one of DD’s friends and generally doesn’t give a shit about the kids. He has very strong opinions which I feel he’s just saying for sake of argument. I’ve explained to him that I can’t telepathically communicate with DD to let her know when I am picking up and from where and also socially she will be excluded. I did make a compromise to get a brick phone but he’s not having any of it, please some advice?

Get her a phone. Ignore your outdated husband. He opts out of parenting so doesn't get to make the decision.

Doesn't know her friends, does zero childcare, would he even know if she had a phone? Get her a phone and don't bother telling him, it's for her safety and your peace of mind

A non smart phone would be best if she has one at all.

Is he really worth all of your stress Op? Are you able to ignore his tantrums when you get your daughter a phone? If not I'd be seriously rethinking your relationship

Get her a phone and monitor what she does on it.

Your dh is a twat and you have my sympathy, I know what it’s like.

buy the phone.

simple brick, basic plan.

keep it in her bag, charge it then cat.

what are you concerned he will do?

My daughter is now year 8 and we got her a smart phone at the start of year 6. We check her messages and monitor use and we’ve had no issues. At the start of y7 people went a bit bonkers with making massive WhatsApp groups but she just left them all and it all chilled out quickly.

She was in the school production last year and all the cast are in a group from y7- y10 and that has been lovely. Really supportive and when a couple of the younger ones have been bullied the older ones have supported them. It also means over the holidays she had contact and met up with friends by planning herself.

I would get the phone and ditch the abusive husband. Don’t subject your daughter to his behaviour any longer.

Are you actually still in a relationship with the dad?

Get her a phone. If she cannot WhatsApp (and probably SnapChat), she will miss out on everything. Talk her to her regularly about appropriate use (no WhatsApp groups with strangers) and check the phone every day. Hopefully you have a good enough relationship for her to raise any issues with you.

Your DH doesn’t seem to live in the real world or be contributing to family life so I don’t think he should be involved in this decision, and would best be out of your life.

I would keep all children off of phones for as long as you can.
As soon as they have phones you lose them. Then starts the whole cycle of parental controls and online life.

Up to you but looking back I wish had stayed stronger for longer.

An old headset smartphone has been socially revolutionary for my Year 7 autistic daughter.

All controls are locked down. I can see what she's doing. I can see where she is. She gets limited locked down time. Her main app use is Chess.Com, Lego insiders and Duolingo. THAT'S why I don't believe in brick phone use.

Edited to add she has WhatsApp but isn't on glass groups (study groups yes). She's on WhatsApp maybe 15 minutes a day. I check daily.

We didnt get any of our children phones till year 7. We just got basic smartphones. Fine to have WhatsApp but no social media.
It worked well for us. I think you can shield children from some things but sometimes being over protective can be negative aswell.
And you really should let him sulk and ignore him. He sounds like a spoilt child who needs to grow up .

Do you know what the phone policies are at your local secondary schools? Ours have a ban on smartphones, they can only have ‘brick’ phones - no internet, no camera. You’re probably best off getting her a basic phone. Our y7 dc has a basic Nokia. They travel to and from school by themselves on local buses so it’s good to be able to keep in touch.

Get the brick phone and ask him what he plans to do to stop you. Then consider if you really want him as their dad.

Of course she needs a phone. Just buy her one anyway if he doesn’t do any childcare?
What’s his objection beyond controlling her? I would say make sure she stays off TikTok & Instagram if possible (they all use Snapchat to message so it’s hard to ban this.)

Sod that. Stand up to the idiot and call him out on his sulking.

Treat him as you would a toddler having a tantrum. Stay firm and do not be bullied. Focus on what she needs and what you need to do for her as a sensible parent. He needs firm handling, not tiptoeing around.

They rely on phones quite a lot in secondary school. Firstly, a lot of the homework is on apps. Secondly, they start sorting out their own social life!