AIBU to want our daughter to have a phone for Year 7?

[DHissues]

I don’t have many people to talk to and would really like some input into the matter please.

DD has never had a phone whereas almost all the girls (maybe even all except DD) in her class had one from year 5. I know for a fact DD missed out on all the get togethers as the girls would arrange via their phones. DD was upset but always understood our reasoning. I picked up DD and her younger sister from school everyday and they went breakfast club so I felt no need for a phone,

Now that she’s going into year 7 I feel we need to re-address this and I think she needs one. Especially as she will have to wait outside the school gates or even walk along the road to meet me do we need to communicate. DD has autism and is vulnerable in terms of she won’t look when crossing road and will be overwhelmed at first so for the first term I decided I will pick her up and drop off and second term I will help her become more independent. She’s happy with this. DH has put a spanner in the works and said definitely no phone. This is the guy who does zero childcare, doesn’t even know one of DD’s friends and generally doesn’t give a shit about the kids. He has very strong opinions which I feel he’s just saying for sake of argument. I’ve explained to him that I can’t telepathically communicate with DD to let her know when I am picking up and from where and also socially she will be excluded. I did make a compromise to get a brick phone but he’s not having any of it, please some advice?

Get her a phone
put parental controls on it
Monitor her phone use and internet
why is your DH behaving like this? He has no reason to oppose it other than being difficult

If you are going to do pick ups at the school gate then I don't see that she would need one for that reason.

I did get my son a phone in year 6 though as everyone had one, I do check it regularly and as he has gone to a different school to his primary school friends he has been able to use it to keep in touch with people as well as now add some new friends. He also gets a bus to school so to me it is useful in case he loses his bus pass and I need to sort that out or if the bus is late or breaks down I would know why he isn't home.

So I can see why you think she needs one, but can also the argument for why she doesn't if you are focusing on the safety aspect.

I’ll be honest, if he was an involved and engaged parent then I would just keep talking and trying to find a compromise.

Since he isn’t, I’d just do what works for me and DD.

There's a huge difference between a brick phone and a smartphone. I don't see the harm in getting a brick phone for her independence and your peace of mind. There's no need for a smartphone at that age.
www.smartphonefreechildhood.org/

Thank you all. The problem is if I buy her one without him he will make the rest of the week really difficult for us by sulking and ignoring us. I don’t want the start of school to be stressful for her. I honestly think even a brick phone is not the answer as I feel the kids might make fun of her and with her autism she will feel more socially isolated. I just feel so much anxiety. I just want to find the right words so he doesn’t flip out

Ds 11 has one and it’s locked down with an under 13 account I think it is ? He needs permission through our phones to even add a phone number, works well
An iPhone btw and the family thing we use

This behaviour seems more of the issue. Stonewalling is abusive

You do realise this is not a good , healthy relationship to be in , right? For you and DD.

What are his main concerns/objections?

Sulking, ignoring and flipping out, plus doesn't give a shit about the kids?? Get your DD a phone and get rid of your husband.

Someone suggested parent shield SIM card. Does anyone know anything about this? I’ve looked and it seems okay

If he's going to behave like that, you have a DH problem, not a phone problem. My Y7 DD is autistic too, she hasn't expressed a desire for a phone so we haven't got her one. Luckily she doesn't (currently) feel pressure to conform. But I plan get her a brick phone in a few weeks so she can go in her favourite shop on the weekend for an hour or two without me worrying.

As with most things, probably the best thing to do is to bolster her confidence outside of school so she builds resilience to any possible negativity from peers. Teaching her that she needs to conform is not going up help her as no conformity will ever be enough.

Do also be aware that this year is going to be very, very different, regarding phones in schools

I've just had to sit through over an hour of training on the new phone pouches that every single child has to use, every single day in schools. Every child will have a locking phone pouch.
Every morning, we will have to watch them turn their phones off, put them into their pouch, and lock them. We have to inspect the pouches, to make sure that they are not being broken.
If we see a phone out in class or at lunch time, we have to confiscate it, and parents will have to come in at the end of the next day to collect it.
It is going to be a massive pain in the arse.
But, excessive phone use is the biggest detriment that most of our students have.

Don't waste money on a smart phone, a brick will serve the purpose you want, and it won't be allowed out during the school day anyway.

You need to stand up to her lazy, abusive, controlling,Father. He sounds horrible.
Get her a phone snd let the idiot sulk. He opts out of parenting He gets no say. He just wants to be controlling.
Personally I would get rid of this idiot. My Dad was like that and he was a horrible man.
Once again get the phone and take away his control. You and your daughter's deserve better.

We’re getting our DD one in year 7 that calls and texts, but no smartphone until 16.

Where did you buy from?

Sorry to hear this x

You can get her a sim from Asda - unlimited texts and calls for £4 a month. No internet access.

But I agree that the issue isn’t the phone, it’s your husband.

I have a parentshield SIM in my son's phone. I gave him an old phone of mine just before he started year 7 with the SIM in. I can control when it goes on, when it goes off, records his calls and his texts so I can check them from my phone. It will alert you if any particular words/phrases come up that you've asked it to flag. It is more expensive than a regular SIM obviously, but I thought it was worth it.

He has just started year 8 and I will be swapping it for a regular SIM as he has behaved himself with it. He also uses WhatsApp, so i can't monitor calls and messages anymore, but he does let me do the occasional random check.

He gets the train to and from school and his phone has been necessary if there are delays. Also, he has made friends and likes to go for a kick about after school sometimes, so he can let me know.

(He has AUDHD).

Parenting is about building children up to eventually become independent adults and introducing the skills they need. Secondary school is a gear change in that.

At this point, a brick phone sounds sensible to enable her to communicate any changes of plan and also to not socially isolate her from potential friends outside of school. I haven't seen payphones in school for well over 10 years, and gone are the days of lining up with 10p to phone the landline at home that drama club isn't on today.

DS2 is autistic, and he quite likes to phone me as he walks home after the bus section just for the chat, or to ask me to walk out to meet him to chat and it's a useful part of regulation and transitioning from school to home. Once in the house his priorities shift and that window to talk closes.

(My two have smart phones with parental controls as they need the apps for the bus)

You have issues with your husband's behaviour. He is unreasonable for being a detached and unrealistic parent and then sulking because he didn't get his own way.

Your husband sounds like garbage.

Buy her a phone. I bought DD & DS an older iPhone 12 when they started Year 7.

We got our daughter a phone for Year 7 and decided to use Xnspy as well. It’s been helpful for keeping an eye on what she’s doing on the phone and setting a few limits. I think it’s a decent option if you want to give them a bit of freedom while still having some oversight.

Your husband is being emotionally abusive. The fact you are worried about his reaction is so sad. Please don't let your daughter think this is normal. Get her a phone. Don't let her miss out on making friends and missing out on social interaction. That's how year 7s meet up. They don't have each others house phones to call like we did. He needs to get in the 21st century. Also when she goes to friends houses you can message her if needed.

You're the one picking up and needing to communicate with her. Stop worrying about him and put your daughter first. I don't know how you can live with someone like him.

My youngest also started year 7 this week, and I have similar concerns re: independent travel as he has AuDHD. I’ve bought him a NOKIA off Amazon and a ParentShield SIM (no data), so no need for extensive parental controls like you would have with a smart phone. It also allows you to see any communications happening on there via your parent account.
We held back on smart phones until my eldest was 13 (and social media until he was 16), and he’s survived. He’s actually quite grateful as he also has AuDHD and felt he would have gotten sucked into it way too much.
I always told him he could blame his retro tech on his uncool, Luddite mother ;)

Nokia brick.

calls and text .

not a street cred item but a perfectly adequate communication device .

We've just got a phone for our yr 7 - went down the brick phone route as that's what was recommended.

However it was a pain in the backside. Watching my dc trying to text his friends without predictive text, pressing the buttons multiple times to scroll through the letters was nothing short of painful.
Spelling was atrocious and he was just frustrated.

So we sent it back and got a smartphone but it is super locked down. He can basically only text and call. Nothing else is installed.

We use family link and put it on school mode and night mode at certain times, he can't add contacts or add apps without us being alerted and give permission. No internet access at all

So far so good.