Difficult 1 year old

[tiredm7]

I don’t think I can cope anymore, I genuinely want to run away. Shut my front door on everyone and get in my car and disappear without a trace.

DS is 1 at the weekend and although I love him, I cannot cope anymore.

He battles everything, every nappy change, every outfit change, his baths are chaos because he just flaps his arms constantly and makes everything soaked, give him his bottle of water and he sucks it up then spits it all over himself then cries because he’s wet, he drags himself across the floor with his arms but shows no intention to move his legs, chucks all of his food on the floor but if you try and feed him he smacks the spoon and food everywhere.

I’ve cancelled our dentist appointments, I’ve cancelled meeting up with friends, I’ve shut my family out saying we are out if anyone wants to visit.

DD3 was a different kettle of fish, never had any issues with her at all.

I don’t recognise myself, the 6 week summer holiday I’ve been too anxious to drive, I feel a burning rage internally, I twitch constantly, my heart races. Dr has upped my antidepressants but no difference.

We own a business and DH tries his best but he’s tired and overwhelmed too.

I miss being me, I miss it just being me and DD, I miss the calm before total chaos.

He’s been hospitalised 6 times in a year with chest infections. He’s booked in to have blood tests in a couple of weeks. It’s all so draining and I wish I’d never had a second child. I’m so so done.

That sounds really hard.

To me seems like you really really need a break. Is there any way you can have a day or more to yourself?

I honestly have to lay in bed and imagine myself stepping onto a plane to lay on a beach somewhere by myself for a week to bring any sense of calmness to me, then I open my eyes and realise I’m stuck here with no way out and I break down all over again.

I don’t have anyone to give me a break, I’ve told DH how I feel and been completely honest with him but the business needs to keep running otherwise we can’t pay bills. I’ve had a couple of days over the last 6 weeks where I’ve just refused to get out of bed and I’ve cried and begged and shown that I’m not coping and he takes the day off and he’s stressed that he’s had to cancel on a job so that comes through in the way he talks to me and acts and then it feels pointless because I’m then stressed that he’s stressed.

I’m on a constant merry go round of waking, feeding and bathing the kids, doing laundry and going to bed, I feel utterly worthless, trapped and so so sad.

That sounds incredibly tough, my eldest was like that and age 1-2 was definitely the hardest bit of parenting I’ve done so far. He did start to get a bit better at 2, and now he’s four he’s a lot easier.
The 2 year gap is really hard as well (I have the same), you’re constantly trying to meet conflicting needs and both children still need a lot of attention. It’s exhausting but it does get a bit better as they get older. Mine are now 4 and 2 but I can already see some improvement.

My son needs a lot of exercise to be manageable. I find the constant mess and noise really difficult even now. But as he’s got older I can take him places and sign him up for clubs that allow him to get the energy out in a more constructive way (and mean that he’s making the worst of the mess somewhere else for a bit 😂).

As someone who has 2 kids with very different personalities, if I’d had my daughter first it would have been a massive shock when my son came along. A lot of the things that work for her just don’t work for my son. When you’re tired and stressed and overwhelmed it’s so hard to try and find new parenting strategies, but you will start to notice a pattern of what works best for him and for juggling two children at the same time.

Is there an option for you to have a break for a few hours once or twice a week? My husband and I took it in turns to have Saturday morning off and it made a huge difference to my mental health to have even a few hours where I wasn’t constantly overstimulated and trying to do multiple things at once.
If DH can’t offer that (or it’s more stressful when he does), could you afford to pay for some childcare or have family/friends over to help.

Also, once they both start sleeping through the night it gets so much better. The days are still tough and exhausting but having a couple of hours to yourself in the evening and getting enough sleep makes an enormous difference.

I still sometimes miss having just one child, but as their relationship grows I am now starting to see the advantages of two and life is getting easier. This stage doesn’t last forever, but it is really tough so I completely empathize!

This is so hard OP, my heart breaks for you.
Some children are harder than others, I know I was as a child and while I know my late DM loved me very much I definitely left her with a bit of ptsd from my early years.

Is nursery an option at all? This is one of those times where if you can afford it all, even if it means cutting back on some things, you should really consider it. I think it would benefit you both.

Are there grandparents around or aunties/ uncles that can step in to give you a break?

Failing that, I think you need to get them both enrolled in nursery for your own wellbeing. Have a couple of weeks to recharge, then go back to work. Hopefully you’ll find it much easier to cope doing evenings and weekends.

Can you look into a childminder or nursery? Are you entitled to the free hours?
Or do you have a local HomeStart? They can send a volunteer for a few hours a week as support. They can't mind the child for you but at least having another adult might be helpful and give you some respite. You can self refer.
That sounds really overwhelming. Good luck.

I would put him in nursery 1 or 2 days a week. Just do it for your sanity. He may have sen needs (flapping, not sitting still, sensory needs ive identifed from your post) but it's to early to tell nursery would be able to help with that.

DD goes to a lovely village preschool Monday-Weds 9-3 and every week they say how adorable he is and ask when he’s starting but I haven’t even looked into how much it would cost for a couple of days a week or even one. DD’s hours are funded then we pay £3.50 a day for 2 snacks and a hot meal. When I take her back Monday, I might ask because I genuinely cannot look after him anymore.

I have thought about SEN @LarryForPrimeMinister

He flaps his arms, shakes his head a lot. One of our employees popped in for coffee yesterday and was giving him a cuddle and asked whether we’ve considered autism, he has 2 brothers with autism and says DS is a lot like them. Just to add, DH has been friends with said employee for 15 years, he’s more like family so this comment wasn’t out of line as such.

I definitely think I have inattentive ADHD, my brother is diagnosed ADHD and my sister has Asperger’s.

If you can afford it then please do it. Those few hours a week will make an enormous difference and make parenting the rest of the time so much easier.
The endlessness of the overwhelm, noise/mess and never getting a chance to switch off is awful. It made me so snappy and totally unable to cope with even small inconveniences (that I’d normally completely brush off). Just being able to reset and have some time for an adult conversation or rest without being constantly on alert and interrupted made me a much better parent when they were with me.

I just saw your post where you mentioned that you think you have inattentive ADHD. I’ve been diagnosed with it and it has made parenting so much harder. All my pre-motherhood coping strategies were totally upended, and I now have to do the cognitive load for 3 people and a household. If you want some of the strategies that work for me then I’m happy to share.
Loop earplugs also help with the sensory overload of small kids. But I do find the endlessly being interrupted mid task almost unbearable at times.

My two are autistic and he sounds so much like them when younger, especially if it runs through your family. Really suggest nursery or childminder just to give you a break it's really difficult bless you.

I'm so sorry OP <3

I think you urgently need to look into getting some form of childcare arrangement, even if just for a day a week. You have to have a break before you hit total burn out, and it sounds like you're close. This isn't a moral failing on your part - you are doing something very hard and you need support, like any human would.

It does sound like some kind of neurodivergence is a possibility, especially if it runs in the family. Speak to your HV, but he is likely too young yet for a diagnosis. Until then, focus on what you need to survive. One day of nursery or a childminder a week would give you back a little bit of breathing space.

I think you’ve all helped me find an answer, to send him to nursery even for 2 days a week. It will give me breathing space and I hope it will make me a better parent. Thank you all so much x

I am absolutely a better parent to my children because I get regular breaks from parenting. This is very normal. Lots of animals live in big social groups where looking after infants is a shared duty, and humans fall squarely into that category of mammal. You are doing a great job and will do even better when you have some rest and regular time to yourself ❤️

Definitely send him to nursery for at least two days a week! You sound like you really need a break lovely 😔 don't push away family and friends, be honest and tell them you're finding it really hard and let them come and see you.

My friend's baby girl cried a lot and was a nightmare to look after - you couldn't cuddle her, she would arch her back and go stiff and scream, she was never happy and settled. I used to stick her in the pram and take her out for a long walk just to give my friend a break! Eventually they worked out that she had pretty constant ear infections and she had her tonsils out and grommets fitted and it made a massive difference. Might be worth seeing your GP and ruling out anything medical with your little one x

You had a girl firsf - that’s why you feel so shocked by having a boy ! They are a different breed.!

Sounds like he’s just doing normal toddler things though so maybe you just need to relax a little bit more and then you wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

Lots of people have “blamed” it on the fact that he is a boy but I don’t think it’s true. I’ve got friends who’ve had super chilled boys, one also walked at just shy of 10 months. I’m constantly being told “boys are lazier than girls” but I think it’s bullshit. I don’t think sex comes into it, I think you’ve either got a difficult baby or an easy one. Some of my friends have also had girls that haven’t slept through until 2/3 years old etc. Saying I need to relax more is very easy coming from somebody who isn’t living my life, my anxiety is so bad that I dig my nails into my skin so hard when he won’t stop screaming that I’ve got scars from doing so. I feel overwhelmed because I am overwhelmed. It’s not easy to just relax.

Yeah, my boy was the most chilled out and easy going baby ever. My girl was very hard (but has got considerably easier as she has aged). Some babies are just substantially more difficult than others.

Hi OP. Another bonus of nursery is that IF he does have SEN then they can initiate a referral with the evidence they have from looking after him. My son started nursery at 2.5 and after the first term they said they thought he had SEN. They did the referral (and later the EHCP for starting reception) and as they were experienced in all the paperwork it was more straight forward than if I had tried to do it all on my own.

I know your son is only 1 and I’m not saying he has SEN, but if it’s more than just a matter of ‘temperament’ then it is great to have a nursery setting onboard

OP I do feel for you. You are absolutely right some babies are just FAR harder than others. Agree with PP maybe some paid childcare might help take the edge off, give you a bit of space. The other thing that might help is loop earplugs? You can still hear the kids so if DD is trying to talk to you you will still hear her, but it dampens all the excessive noise and just makes everything a bit less stress inducing.

This sounds like a lot and so stressful. I’ve three small boys and they’re all high energy, but also have their chilled moments and all walked at 10/11months. So I definitely don’t agree with the “boys are lazy” narrative. If your boy isn’t using his legs to pull to stand or cruise etc then bring him to your GP
Could you afford a morning or two a week of nursery or childminder for him just so you could catch your breath.

My Granddaughter was like that at 1, such hard work, totally exhausting. She's now 2.5 and she is an absolute delight. We took her out today, had coffee out, walked all round town, had lunch out and she just smiled and behaved all day.

Hang in there, it will get better. ♥️

Just sending hugs OP. And what lovely supportive posts from people. Makes a nice change to see that here.
Nursery sounds like a great idea x

Can you use funded hours for your DS OP? My youngest will get the 30 funded hours the term after they turn 9 months, which I will be using partly because I am working and partly for the breathing space for time to feel like myself again. You sound like you really need that time too, I hope things get easier soon for you and that you can get some help with childcare to ease the load a little bit xx

Hi! Sorry to hear you’re going through it. I felt it in my chest when I read it. I have felt the same. My baby is nearly 1 and was a much wanted baby, we struggled with secondary infertility. She has a health problem which means we have spent a lot of time in hospital. She constantly has health issues. I have felt like leaving multiple times.
I have learnt a lot about stress though. Cortisol makes it difficult to release oxytocin and it’s so hard to bond when you are stretched to your limit. As we speak my daughter has woken half hour after going to bed. After screaming all day. It’s so hard. If she didn’t have her health issues I would definitely have her looked after once or twice a week. But I’m also so anxious people will miss signs of her being unwell 😢