My husband simply won’t come to bed!

[LaraF89]

Basically it’s in the title, he won’t come to bed at reasonable time like every other human. He works standard office hours, 6 days a week so no shift work. He is often awake until 1/2am watching tv, films, on his phone, goodness knows what else. I’m often exhausted from working full time & in full blown menopause since I was 36 so often in bed between 10pm-11pm sometimes earlier. I struggle with sleep massively due to menopause he knows this. Every night he disturbs me coming to bed, I hear him locking everything up, flushing toilet, banging around, frequently he will leave our kitchen window open for our cats to come in & out of so is then calling out of it to get them to come in. He sometimes falls asleep on the sofa leaving everything open for someone to easily break in putting me & my children at risk. I’ve spoken to him but he does nothing to change! AIBU that he should come to bed earlier?!

Could you lock-up before you go to bed, so then it doesn’t matter if he falls asleep on the sofa?

Can you wear earplugs?

Also suggestions for him: he doesn't flush the loo at night, windows/doors are shut and cats are brought in before you go up to bed.

I don't think it's realistic for him to come to bed earlier (we are the opposite in our house, DH asleep by 11pm and me happily awake reading and MNetting at 3am!).

But he can be more considerate.

He'll have to sleep elsewhere, do you have another bedroom? Fold down couch.

If he's a natural night owl there's nothing much he can do about that, but he definitely doesn't have to bang around to wake you late at night.

I'm afraid you can't tell an adult when to go to bed. You can ask him not to disturb you and lock up earlier like pp said, but to say anything like "It's late. Come to bed now" to a fellow grown up would be absurd.

Lock up yourself before going to bed. If someone, including DH told me I had to go to bed at 10.30/11 I’d laugh at them. Sometimes I’m in bed 9pm, sometimes 2am, depends on what I’m doing and if I feel tired or not. I find a ‘group bedtime’ to be really odd.

You’d hate me with the loo as well. I get up 2-3 times during night to use loo. Happy not to flush but DH doesn’t like to use loo and find wee in it so I flush. Others in household use loo of a night as well (no one seems to sleep through….), so our house would be a form of torture for you😆.

Nonsense. I am a natural night owl, my husband often comes out and says "are you coming to bed love?" Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. There's no problem of any kind with asking. Sometimes night owls don't realise how late it is getting and appreciate a nudge.

So she definitely can ask him, no problem there. But she wants not to have to get up and have her sleep disturbed.

Best if he sleeps elsewhere.

I’m a night owl. Hence being awake at almost 3:30.

I’m considerate of my family who are all in bed, so TV is on very low volume, all main lights switched off, just a lamp. I creep not to wake anyone. No banging about. I certainly wouldn’t shout for the pets.

But no one will tell me when to go to bed. I am an adult.

If he is genuinely inconsiderate to the rest of you sleeping I would either tell him to A) always sleep downstairs or B) leave.

Most people replying to this thread are night owls as you posted it late so he'll have fair bit of sympathy. I couldn't go to bed that early, you're clearly have very different sleep needs.
Could you get a cat flap for the cats or get them in before you go to bed? He's being unreasonable if he is banging about and not considering security. Not sure what else you can do except talk to him. If he won't listen I would presume he doesn't really care. Hopefully not the case

Bet your neighbours love him shouting cats in at 3am

Going to suggest this is more about why he doesn’t want to spend time with you in bed

Yep. Although I would naturally stay up till midnight most nights, I like to cuddle in to my husband to sleep at least some of the time and though we can go to bed at other times to have sex it's certainly easier if we're both in bed together a couple of nights a week at least.

He's being noisy and inconsiderate and he doesn't want to go to bed with OP at all, neither of which sounds ideal.

You can't tell a grown adult when to go to bed. You just can't.

Why should he come to bed just because you want him to?

Not everyone feels like sleeping at the same time as you do.

Leave the poor man alone and stop badgering him.

I'm glad he cares about making sure the cats are in.

That's what would really matter to me.

That's what I'd do, otherwise I wouldn't feel safe sleeping.

Why didn't you comment on him banging around, shouting for the cats at 3am and leaving everything unlocked when he conks out of the sofa?

@HoppingPavlova have you considered vaginal oestrogen? It will stop all your night time weeing.

Op my DH stays up late too, I often get up for my day an hour or two after he comes to bed!

Loop earplugs are a saviour.

I’m a light sleeper and easily disturbed. I go to bed at 9/10. Dh does not. We have separate rooms (he snores) but I still hear him to I wear ear plugs.
I wouldn’t dream of asking telling him when to go to bed.

If you have spoken to him about how noisy he is and about how it impacts you, and about the safety issue, and he hasn't done anything to be more considerate then it sounds as though not only that he doesn't care but also that it is deliberate.

As everyone else has said, he is being inconsiderate by banging around and leaving things unlocked but if he doesn't want to go to sleep until late that's up to him.

As someone who has been single for 10 years I cant imagine going to bed without taking a minute to check the doors and windows are locked and secured so I don't see why you can't do that too. If he's waking you up when he comes to bed and its a problem then he needs to be more careful or sleep elsewhere. But having conflicting sleep schedules is one of the things couples have to navigate - he can't just go to bed 5 hours earlier every night, that won't work.

Asking with kindness - are you in a detached house with a large garden ? As if not then calling cats after midnight could mean he is building a neighbour dispute that could blow up. I read that people sometimes feel a need to take control of their own time at night and make leisure time even in the early hours - maybe if he planned eg meeting mates for bowling once a week and then came home "played out" at 11.30pm he would come to bed then

I would lock up when I go to bed and get tge cats in. Ask him not to let them out again and ask him not to flush toilet at night. You could also try ear plugs.

Poor man crew are here!

Hes being extremely selfish and inconsiderate, not only to Op but to the neighbours.
Disturbing sleep on purpose is abusive
Get rid @LaraF89

I think some of these replies are really selfish.. I’d be utterly pissed off at someone disturbing my sleep every night. You shouldn’t have to accept that!
I suspect he is knackered aswell, he would benefit from more sleep.
Id say well he can sleep elsewhere then; spare room / sofa bed etc. But ill be honest and say I don’t think it’s
a great sign for your marriage..on many levels - it’s about basic respect for the other person aswell as about taking care of yourself. One or two nights a week; ok. Every night? He’s not making healthy choices for himself; and he’s not considering you or your kids either. I’d say there’s underlying issues. Xx

If he’s up at 7 for work he isn’t getting anywhere near enough sleep which could lead to various health issues but that’s his issue. Your problem is expecting him to stop being so selfish waking you up every night… Guess you don’t have a downstairs loo so the toilet can’t be helped but it could all be surely locked up before you go to bed.

You also need to get the cats in early, unless you live in a detached house in the middle of nowhere your neighbours will hate him calling for the cat in the early hours.

You can’t tell a grown adult when to come to bed.

You can, however, tell him to shut up when he does decide to come up!