My husband simply won’t come to bed!

[LaraF89]

Basically it’s in the title, he won’t come to bed at reasonable time like every other human. He works standard office hours, 6 days a week so no shift work. He is often awake until 1/2am watching tv, films, on his phone, goodness knows what else. I’m often exhausted from working full time & in full blown menopause since I was 36 so often in bed between 10pm-11pm sometimes earlier. I struggle with sleep massively due to menopause he knows this. Every night he disturbs me coming to bed, I hear him locking everything up, flushing toilet, banging around, frequently he will leave our kitchen window open for our cats to come in & out of so is then calling out of it to get them to come in. He sometimes falls asleep on the sofa leaving everything open for someone to easily break in putting me & my children at risk. I’ve spoken to him but he does nothing to change! AIBU that he should come to bed earlier?!

Honestly lock everything up before you go to bed, the it’s earplugs. If the kids wake in the night it’s on him to hear

YABU expecting him to go to bed when you say so. I am a lark and am usually in bed by nine. If someone told me I had to stay up til 1am they would get short shrift.

However, YANBU expecting him to be quiet. Why is he so bloody noisy? Does he stay up drinking? Do you have a spare room you could ask him to sleep in so he doesn’t wake you up?

Agree with PP, lock up when you go to bed and get a cat flap.

Yes we are in a detached house but it’s not a big garden. We have a cat flap but for some reason my cats prefer the front garden & the little close we live in so they use the front window plus one of my cats is overweight & the cat flap is too tight for him!

I will start locking up. That’s a good idea. It’s not so much the time of the night, it’s the noise. No he doesn’t hardly drink unless we go out socially. He could stay in my daughter’s bedroom as she is away at University x

Yes it’s got to the point of me wanting a divorce sadly.

We have a cat flap but they don’t really use it & my eldest cat has weight problems & I don’t think would squeeze through it!

Probably but I can’t change the past, I’ve had extensive operations on my body so I can hopefully live not die of a genetic disease like the rest of my family. He has been very supportive of this but sadly there is no romantic relationship between us.

I think it's a case of trying to manage each issue you've raised.

ie, he doesn't flush the toilet

Jointly get cats in just before you go up. If they want to go out, one has a cat flap, the other can let you know. From a health point of view, maybe the one that's tubby, should loose some weight for health reasons (had a very solid 7.85kg before so no unsympathetic). Here we both take responsibility for locking up. Sometimes I forget as I'm on cat feeding duty/get distracted, so DH follows around checking everything before he comes up. Could be worth you or DH sleeping in your DC's room to see if that helps.

You probably won't sleep quite so well as the moment if you're going through the menopause.

My friend's husband has always gone to bed at 2am, gets up at 5am bubbly and breezy. An hours travel to work both ways. Every evening he plays badminton or runs, so doesn't sit down until 9.30pm. Never nods off.

Buy earplugs
Put cat on diet
Stop using front window
Lock up yourself before bed

That will solve a lot of your practical issues. But it won’t solve your relationship.

We have separate bedrooms for exactly this reason! I go to bed about 9/9.30pm but i watch tv or read with a lamp on until at least 1am. Dh goes to bed about 11pm but turns off the light and goes straight to sleep. He is also a light sleeper and i have been known to snore so this is another reason why having our own rooms works so well for us.

If menopause is affecting your sleep, then you need to prioritise it.

Ask dh to sleep elsewhere, if you have room, if he comes up late. Tell him not to call for the cats (that must annoy neighbours too). Get him to lock up - or you lock up - earlier. Don’t flush the loo at night. Basically, get him to be more considerate. Ear plugs might help you.

But YABU to ask him to come to bed earlier if he naturally prefers a later bedtime.

Going to bed late is not a problem. Disturbing you is.

I mean he’s selfish / thoughtless so he’s probably not going to change so you’ll have to mitigate against the problem.

Lock up when you go to bed. Get the cats in when you go to bed. Get earplugs. Sleep in different rooms. Instigate a no flush at night rule.

This is about consideration for you, your need to sleep and safety, not bed time.

I sometimes read the responses on MN and wonder if I live in a parallel universe to other people. Surely once you are married you realise that your life and the way you live will have an impact on your spouse. Presumably you married them because you love them so where possible you try and compromise or alter your behaviour so problems are resolved or nipped in the bud. Otherwise resentment grows and hey presto - divorce, or at least a miserable household. He might be an adult and a night owl but there is nothing stopping him being quiet and allowing the OP a bedroom to herself at least a few times a week. As for the health issues that may be waiting down the line if he is keeping himself chronically short of sleep. These issues may be down to him but, if the OP stays married to him then unfortunately they will very definitely become her issues too! I would say she should be perfectly entitled to address the subject sooner rather than later.

My husband is a very light sleeper and works shifts going to bed at 7pm. He wears earplugs and we do all the noisy stuff before he goes to bed like locking up etc. For example the dishwasher is put on a timed cycle so it starts its cycle after he has left for work at 1am.

You can't tell him when to go to bed, but you can tell him he is disturbing you and to be more respectful of your sleep.

I don't go to bed til maybe 2am, i just can't sleep most of the time. If i went to bed at 10:00 i would just be lying awake fidgeting.

If the bedroom door is closed you shouldn't hear too much noise surely? Maybe it seems louder because its night and everything is quiet?

I'm 71, and a night owl, and can confirm that if that's the way you're wired, there's nothing you can do about it and believe me at my age I've tried everything - (even sleeping pills - to try and change my routine). All that happens is I fidget, wake up at odd times or don't get to sleep at all and end up exhausted.
It is however unfair to disturb you, so you need to agree on a plan of action to avoid that.
(Have to say though that no matter how quiet I am, hubby will often wake up as I pull the duvet over me! .... but only temporarily)
Good luck!

You lock up etc before you go to bed. We have roles reversed; I have always been a late bedder so when DP goes to bed early, I stay up, but I do make an effort to stay as quiet as possible. We sleep in different rooms because he snores and wraps himself up like a mummy, which drives me mad. Is that an option for you?

YABU - when you know everyone is in for the night, lock up. Problem solved.