Will she EVER give up?!

[FellIntoaCake]

I'll try to stick to the pertinent facts - the full version is a LONG story!

About 10 years ago now, I cut a "friend" out of my life after years of erratic behaviour. Without going into a huge amount of detail, she thought the whole world revolved around her, would get mad if it didn't rearrange plans around her, threw a strop if it did something or went somewhere and she wasn't invited... it was exhausting. She couldn't just have a sensible discussion about anything either - if she was mad with someone, she'd be posting about it on Facebook, sharing every detail. One time after she did that to me - then complained I hadn't responded to her post - I decided enough was enough.

Ever since, she's tried to worm her way back in. First she found channels I'd forgotten to block her on; then she started trying to get mutual friends to intervene. One by one, they got sick of her, to the point many blocked her. But she just kept going further and further "down the chain", as it were, to more tenuous connections.

Last weekend I saw an old friend I've not seen in years. The first thing she told me was that this woman keeps asking her about me, has she seen me, can she pass on a message... Thankfully my friend refused. However, ex-friend has told her quite the tale: a completely bastardised version of what actually went on. For someone apparently desperate to get back into my life, she's still telling the same old lies about me.

It doesn't affect my day to day life, but I do despair slightly. It's been TEN YEARS! Is she ever just going to accept that I've gone from her life and am not coming back? Will I ever be able to go to the local pub in my home town without fear of seeing her and her making a scene? And most importantly, is she completely mad?!

Hmmm… possibly, but holding a lifelong grudge is also narcissistic behaviour. I don’t think we can clearly identify who the narcissist is in this scenario.

Holding a lifelong grudge against someone else is not all that uncommon, and in many cases, is entirely justified. My parents never forgave dad's half sibling (same mother, different father) for stealing stuff out of my grandad's house immediately after he'd died when we were away on holiday.

I dont think going no contact with an ex friend who you are finding exhausting indicate narcissism when its done for the true reason of boundary setting rather than to manipulate the person. But hoovering,using flying monkeys and never giving up on trying to breach a boundary is.

Why on earth are you characterising this as me "holding a grudge"? I'm not carrying out some kind of revenge campaign against her! I don't badmouth her; even when people have passed messages on I've said no more than "Thanks, but I'm not interested". How is deciding to cut someone who has consistently treated me badly out of my life, and sticking to that decision, "holding a grudge"?

She probably wants to talk about what happened, or maybe explain her behaviour - Well to be blunt, tough titty! What SHE wants is a matter of supreme indifference to me. Most of us learn as little children that we don't always get what we want. It's not my fault her parents failed to teach her this, or that she's somehow got this far into adulthood without learning it herself.

She will likely stop contacting you if she feels that she’s been heard and got some sense of closure - Again, it's not my responsibility to provide this for her. She needs to grow up. If ten years of silence doesn't give her "closure", I don't know what will.

If I was still being pursued by a former romantic partner after 10 years, no way would you be encouraging me to go back to give him "closure". You'd all be telling me to stay as far away as possible. You'd be cheering me on for having clear boundaries. Why, because it's an ex-friend instead of an ex-partner, are you expecting me to sort HER problems?

I think you have some quite serious issues if a) this is what you've taken from my thread and b) you would be such a doormat as to forgive and forget any behaviour.

What?! So if someone wrongs you and shows zero remorse or change of behaviour you still have to let them back in your life otherwise you’re a narcissist?!

I think having a solicitor send a cease and dessist letter might cut through to her.

But then again it sounds like this is an occasional thing that pops up not daily or weekly even

Well on the back of the knowledge that it is not a rumour and she actually is actively stalking you I think going to the police or a solicitor would be a good idea.

Don't be so ridiculous. The OP cut off contact and has no desire to have any contact all with this ex friend. To actually read her posts and think she is somehow holding a grudge says more about you than the OP.

There are definitely people like this and in my mind they’re mentally ill. The only people I’ve known who cannot move on from friendships or relationships after many years have some kind of personality disorder. Her behaviour as you describe it previously was definitely histrionic so this would fit.

Yeah, I think this is the smart thing, she might just be clueless and then if she continues it's technically harassment after that point.

@FellIntoaCake If I was still being pursued by a former romantic partner after 10 years, no way would you be encouraging me to go back to give him "closure". You'd all be telling me to stay as far away as possible. You'd be cheering me on for having clear boundaries.

Don't be so sure.
Every MN thread seems to have at least one #BeKind soul on it who likes to put the boot into posters for not making a doormat out of themselves.

I agree. With people like this, the last thing you should do it to contact them because they go from part time and now and again trying to find stuff out about you to full on, full time actual stalking.

No engagement is a signal in it's own right.

This happened to me, for over 10 years they would not give up until they literally died. I walked out of the bar we were having a drink at after she slagged off my best mate and told me not to trust her. Being the loyal friend I am, I walked and that was that. Best friend and I still going strong. OP I am sorry I know it’s really annoying.

I know this sounds disproportionate but that would annoy me so much I would consider moving to completely different area to shake her off.

Thankfully we no longer live in the same area. She lives in my home town, so I just watch where I go when I'm back there.

You could consider getting a solicitor to send a cease and desist letter to her. So she is legally warned to back off.

She’s a bloody nutter. Fortunately, other people will realise this, too. Any way you can message her and tell her she acts like someone unhinged, then list all the crazy things she did, then finally tell her to fuck off out of your life?
I sincerely hope you get rid of her completely. 🌺