Will she EVER give up?!

[FellIntoaCake]

I'll try to stick to the pertinent facts - the full version is a LONG story!

About 10 years ago now, I cut a "friend" out of my life after years of erratic behaviour. Without going into a huge amount of detail, she thought the whole world revolved around her, would get mad if it didn't rearrange plans around her, threw a strop if it did something or went somewhere and she wasn't invited... it was exhausting. She couldn't just have a sensible discussion about anything either - if she was mad with someone, she'd be posting about it on Facebook, sharing every detail. One time after she did that to me - then complained I hadn't responded to her post - I decided enough was enough.

Ever since, she's tried to worm her way back in. First she found channels I'd forgotten to block her on; then she started trying to get mutual friends to intervene. One by one, they got sick of her, to the point many blocked her. But she just kept going further and further "down the chain", as it were, to more tenuous connections.

Last weekend I saw an old friend I've not seen in years. The first thing she told me was that this woman keeps asking her about me, has she seen me, can she pass on a message... Thankfully my friend refused. However, ex-friend has told her quite the tale: a completely bastardised version of what actually went on. For someone apparently desperate to get back into my life, she's still telling the same old lies about me.

It doesn't affect my day to day life, but I do despair slightly. It's been TEN YEARS! Is she ever just going to accept that I've gone from her life and am not coming back? Will I ever be able to go to the local pub in my home town without fear of seeing her and her making a scene? And most importantly, is she completely mad?!

Yes she's completely mad, she's probably making plans to haunt you from the other side 😬

I sure there was someone in the news that stalked a friend who ghosted her.

It's unhinged.

Are there other ex-friends she’s still trying to rebuild with or is it just you?

You said she expected everything to be based around her needs and wishes, which sort of suggests a bit of a control freak. In that case, she may well really struggle with you being the one to end the relationship and give her no “closure”, she may well have always been the one to decide she’s had enough of previous friends and moved on to “better” friends who’s behaviour is superior (at least in the start), but if you are the one who ended a friendship when she wasn’t done with it yet, it could be difficult for her as a controller to deal with that. She wants to reconnect as she’s not decided it’s over, and she doesn’t view you as having the authority/the right to decide when the friendship ends.

I think you could well be right, @FancyBiscuitsLevel. I also think she likes the idea of our supposedly close friendship than she actually liked me!

I had a friend like this. Long story short, she accused my DH of something really serious because his best friend didn’t want to date her, she stalked the best friend and ended up getting a harassment warning. She got back in touch ten years later and apologised for everything putting it down to borderline personality disorder. I ignored her, and regularly receive desperate messages from her on various social media platforms desperate to be “forgiven”.

I believe she simply wants to get close to us again so she can even uo the score so to speak.

I wouldn't be surprised if it's the same thing here, @malloryknox123. Some desperate attempt to worm her way in so she can somehow get the upper hand.

I suppose it's a facet of the behaviour that made you withdraw from her in the first place -- her sense that other people's lives revolved around her, her fury if she wasn't invited to things etc. You made it very plain that she wasn't the main character in your life by permanently cutting off contact with her, and that has really wrangled. She's basically still trying to get you to change your plans for her sake.

Send her a cease and desist letter from a solicitor and if she carries on still then a chat with the police as this is harassment and stalking!

I had a close friend who I caught being vile about my DD who was ill at the time. I've not socialised with her for 9 years yet she always sends me messages through other mutual friends. She doesn't worry me anymore. We have just two friends in common and that's it. We don't live near each other anymore ( we moved away).
I think just remain firm. I wouldn't want my ex friend in my life. Dare I say I've grown over the last decade and I don't want to encourage her so I just wish her well in response to these pleas for meet ups.

Please keep your distance.

This sounds similar to my situation with my sister, I haven’t spoken to her in 6 years but she still harasses me. I wish she would just leave me alone.

I've always handled it by completely ignoring any attempts at contact - i.e. never even saying to people "Tell her not to bother, I'm not interested". I figured complete disengagement gives her fewer options to push back.

Ultimately she'll run out of people she hasn't asked, I suppose. The friend from this weekend was an unusual case, as it's been a very long time since I've seen her. Ex-friend has already tried anyone I'm in regular contact with.

I changed my mobile and stopped using SM when I had a "friend" like this and multiple exes messaging me randomly. Take steps to avoid and not be available, buy a doorbell camera and tell friends you don't miss them and that they can pass that on if they keep pestering them.

Have you never told her this? Don't you think telling her just once "I've had enough of the fact that you do X and no longer want to be friends, please don't contact me again" would be fair?

Well, given there are regularly people on MN who are carrying grudges after 15 years or more, no chance. How pathetic.

sounds like your ex friend is a narcissist trying to hoover you back in order to get supply, any response wether angry or forgiving is supply.It doesnt matter how long has gone by to her.
Best to ignore.

Block her on any and all channels and then forget her. Not worth your headspace.

I would contact her on social media to say, that you have no wish to reconnect, but wish her well for the future and to please stop trying to contact me either directly or through other acquaintances.

This sounds rather odd. I’ve heard of people behaving like this after a romantic relationship, but not over a friendship. There must be more to it.

Ignore the advice above to contact ex friend and tell her firmly that you do not want a relationship with her; this woman has clearly reached the stage when any response, however negative, will simply fuel her behavour. All you can do is continue as you have done and wait for her to reach the point where she has exhausted all possible intermediaries and hits a brick wall.

I feel you OP - an ex-friend who I’ve cut out and blocked on everything years ago sent me flowers for my birthday. I wish they’d just stop. Although maybe I should be grateful that this is all the contact I’ve had seeing as they know my address!

Are you SURE that your ex friend has been trying somehow to get your attention or are people trying to shitstir? I know I was ghosted years ago by a person I classed as a friend and for a few weeks I genuinely wanted to know what I had done wrong but soon became clear she has a history of being a backstabbing bitch but shes very much delusional too about her own self importance and I bump into her the odd time in the local tesco and I hear that apparently I am trying DESPERATELY to get her attention. I am not but this is her story just to somehow make me out to be the crazy one. Weird woman.

It's been ten years. Surely if you've been trying to contact someone for ten years, through several different people, and every single time those attempts have been ignored, it's time to get the hint? It's not like I'm sending mixed messages here!

Are you SURE that your ex friend has been trying somehow to get your attention or are people trying to shitstir?

It's absolutely coming from her. Several people have told me the same thing; people who don't even know one another, so there's no possibility of their having compared notes.

That fact that she’s still trying to contact you after 10 years is weird, but the fact that you’re still holding a grudge after 10 years is also a bit weird imo. Especially if you were friends for a long time and you’ve just cut her off with no discussion or explanation. She probably wants to talk about what happened, or maybe explain her behaviour. Refusing to communicate is childish. I would hear what she has to say, and then explain calmly that you no longer want to remain friends if that’s how you feel. She will likely stop contacting you if she feels that she’s been heard and got some sense of closure.