To think you cant make or teach a man, to be an actual "man"

[Iwantanactualman]

Exactly the title really, long time user NC for this.

OH has never been particularly into "man" stuff i.e., can't do DIY etc which has always been fine I quite like doing those things. He very much likes to portray himself as the "man", but after 12 years and 5 kids I just think eughhhh I'm sick of it. He's just watched me empty 3 bins tie them up and take them out. I think I've got the ick. Is there a 12 year itch? 😬

I do work. Full time. No childcare because my kids are adults. I do plenty of home stuff. Lots. We share jobs equally. Male and female.

youve missed my point entirely. I was trying to say that there's absolutely no reason why the op’s husband doesn’t do anything is because he simply doesn’t want to. That’s not me. It’s him. Sorry you missed my point.

Is he kind? Is he lazy or does he get on with things like hoovering, cooking or bathing the children without being asked and just doesnt see the bin as a mans job?

@BitOutOfPractice I totally agree with you. I mean - who actually wants to put the bins out? But it's not a man-only job! In the same way that cooking/cleaning/childcare etc are not just for women.
As you say, teamwork is what's important here.

Yes he's had the snip (2 years ago) no hormonal contraception hence 5 kids 🤣 (I'm not allowed it due to clot history) I am peri/menopausal though.

Of course they all do age appropriate chores

All this nonsense about “men’s jobs” just lets men get away with emptying the bins and putting the odd shelf up.

There are no men’s jobs and women’s jobs. There are just jobs.

And it sounds like he’s not doing enough of them and is bone idle.

Nope. Not one of my many female friends do any of these things.

@Iwantanactualman
I'm confused. You don't need to be on hormonal contraception to avoid pregnancy?

Why not? You don’t need a penis to wield a spanner or screwdriver.

Give him some credit, he is good at having DC and boys at that.

And in answer to your post question, ‘To think you cant make or teach a man, to be an actual "man"

as the mother of boys and the fact that you “….teach my boys to open doors, walk on the outside of a pavement etc ...” your answer should be yes.

It’s interesting I’ve read a bit about women getting a different sense of clarity towards their man when they come off hormonal contraception that can be ick inducing. Also that menopause/ peri menopause can give similar clarity it appears.

It sounds like he might not have changed but your have /are and that’s the path your going to have to walk. Unless he decides to change which is possible and much cheaper than a divorce 😂

I once snapped at my ex 'Why don't YOU be the man for a change.' He was livid. But it was fucking true! If you want people to see you as a man, be one. It ain't hard! I do it daily.

The military turns 18 year olds into functional adults. There's huge consequences to not keeping their places clean and tidy and not doing their assigned work. Their methods are drastic, but they work.

Maybe your lazy husband needs Basic Training.

I was raised with chores and both my brother and I did them. They weren't gendered though. I could drag the trash out and he'd do dishes and mop the kitchen.

I don’t get why bins (and spider and plug hair removal) are man jobs? Cos bins are slightly heavy sometimes, spiders are “scary” and plug hole hair is gross? So you’re saying that women are weak, squeamish, wimps who can’t handle the most basic household tasks? How do you think us lesbians cope going through our entire adult lives without a man?! My partner & I fix the boiler when it breaks, remove giant spiders (and headless squirrels brought in by my cat), fix a leaky tap, put up shelves. I even tiled our bathroom floor. And I’m really not naturally gifted in the DIY department and never had anyone to teach me. I only started doing this stuff quite recently, because it took me years to realise that I was just as capable as any man. I grew up in a typical household where my dad did all the DIY and fixing, and my mum did all the “women’s” tasks. My dad still doesn’t know how to work a washing machine! It’s ridiculous that we’re pigeonholed into these male and female roles from such a young age, to the point a grown man thinks he can’t work a washing machine and a grown woman thinks she wouldn’t be able to put up a shelf. That stupid sexist belief held me back for years (and cost me a fortune in tradespeople!) till I looked up ‘how to put up shelves with rawl plugs’ one day on YouTube and realised anyone can do diy. All it is is following step-by-step instructions. These days with AI and YouTube and the massive online resources, there really is no excuse for anyone to say they “don’t know how” to do anything.

They’re going to be screwed (and skint) if they end up single. I’d hate to wake up in the middle of the night in the middle of winter with the heating broken and have no clue how to fix it.

Why is it a man’s job to empty bins? I empty the bins and I put out the large bin etc etc. why can’t he be a man and tidy/ hoover/ wash floors/ do washing? And all humans should open doors for others and hold them open etc etc. It’s like when people say they get the ick because a man won’t pay for the first date. There are some very strange assumptions out in the world!!!

ps better to call plumbers or electricians as opposed to trying to do diy which will tenfold worsen the problem (learnt from the amount of times we tried to fix the washing machine/ tumble dryer/ bleed a dodgy radiator only to find it needed actual fixing/ unblock drains only to find there was a problem with the septic tank etc!!)

I get the ick the opposite way round - when a man does everything for a woman, like she’s some sort of frail invalid with a mental defect. A woman does not need to have her chair pulled out for her, ordered for at a restaurant, or have her meal paid for on a first date. She’s not a child. If a man (or woman) offers to pay then great, but it shouldn’t be expected. A self-professed “gentleman” gives me the major ick. They usually turn out to be controlling misogynists

Well he can be not lazy and still not do MAN WORK. If he was changing nappies and cooking dinner whilst you empty the bins and change a light bulb, fine. If he only emptied bins and changes light bulbs but expect dinner at 6 and a blow job at 11 every night, not fine.

Both partners should be equally competent to their own strengths.

I'd say this late in, it's too late to unchanged lazy cos you've spent over a decade mothering him

Toxic masculinity

The patriarchy hurting men too

Gendered expectations

All really shit unachievable cultural expectations that hurt people and marriages.

You have a lazy husband!

I was going to say what actions make someone a man? I would say that about a woman too. I think it is based on our preconceptions or ingrained stereotypical ideas. He sounds lazy. You should say something- yes you should not have to point out that it is not exclusively your job.

This why such sexism? It’s damaging to women to you know. I hate having to defend men 😂😂

I've spent most of today painting the bathroom ceiling whilst my husband plays with our 6 yo daughter. The laughter I can hear from up here fills me with joy.
He's the best husband and father I could ever have wished for ❤️
Far more of a "man" that my ex-husband!