To think you cant make or teach a man, to be an actual "man"

[Iwantanactualman]

Exactly the title really, long time user NC for this.

OH has never been particularly into "man" stuff i.e., can't do DIY etc which has always been fine I quite like doing those things. He very much likes to portray himself as the "man", but after 12 years and 5 kids I just think eughhhh I'm sick of it. He's just watched me empty 3 bins tie them up and take them out. I think I've got the ick. Is there a 12 year itch? 😬

he's not a lazy fucker if he's fathered 5 kids. must be quite a busy fucker

@Iwantanactualman it’s not about being an “actual man” it’s about being a decent person regardless of sex. And yes, it’s taught from the very beginning by teaching children manners, turn taking, sharing, consent etc. Nothing to do with opening doors or walking pavement side.

Yes, I think so. Makes me sad to think my boys see this.

The only way to be a man is to have XY chromosomes (or a male DSD)
I've been a single mum for almost my DCs entire childhood. All the DIY, bins, cooking, cleaning etc were my job. As they got older they had to help with chores. But they aren't split into man chores and woman chores.

Very little really, works 3 nights per week. Some chores like washing dishes, sweeping floors. Will change the babies that's probably it

@CostcoFanofThree So...my ex-husband had a important job that paid very well, wanted me to "look after me" as my career "emasculated" him, put out the bins etc. In turn he expected me to do all of the housework and childcare as those are "jobs for women." He also told my sons never to cry and that women should look after men.
My now husband also works (less well paid), but also shares the childcare of our little girl, does lots of housework, cooks and tidies. He is currently in the kitchen making everyone's sandwiches for tomorrow. He is incredibly empathetic and openly cried when his elderly cat got ran over.
Who makes the better father?

Agree

I think I get you OP. Your DH wants to be all “I’m the man of the house” but doesn’t match it by doing the traditional “man” stuff like emptying bins, while also I bet not doing the “woman stuff”. He can’t have it both ways. Either he is a proper adult capable of “adulting” or he’s a lazy teenager who expects you to do everything. Gender shouldn’t have anything to do with it.

My main goal with my two DSs is that they grow up to be competent adults who do their share. 13 YO DS has no interest in learning DIY from DH (who is excellent at it), but did make dinner tonight. For me, that counts just as much.

Agree

Or taking the bins out

Oh jeez, can we stop with the ridiculous gender stereotypes? No wonder people feel confused.

Your husband is a lazy arse. It’s got nothing to do with having a penis.

Holding doors open for people is just common courtesy. Would you teach a child to slam a door in someone’s face? Just teach your children to be self sufficient. What if they don’t have a partner? What if they choose a partner of the same sex? Would he and his husband live a life of empty bins and fight over who got to walk next to the traffic?

My girls are taught how to do all of the things for themselves but that a "real" man wouldn't sit back and watch you do it.

I realise it's not going to be popular on here but I very much believe there are "man jobs" and "women jobs" I also believe that members of either sex can do both and in a shared household thats fine, but in mine I'm doing 90 % of the "woman jobs" and most if not ALL of the "MAN jobs"

The drop to 3 nights a week is recent, he used to work 7 so I think it's likely that im adapting to him being around more and he's just getting on my nerves

Exactly this!! How lovely that DS made dinner, I love that. I'm trying to teach the kids to cook but he pulls his face when they're in the kitchen "making a mess"

I think you can teach a boy things like manners and life skills (how to do laundry, how to cook, use power tools, garden, paint etc) but, once they're an adult, they have to want to actually learn and do these things for themselves. If they're lazy, it's never going to happen.

You are complaining about what your sons are learning, yet you are teaching your daughters ridiculous "lessons".

If he's really as useless as you claim, why did you have FIVE children with him? Didn't some sense of "Maybe this isn't going as planned" kick in around number two or three?

The idea that there are “man” jobs and “women” jobs may well be unpopular because it’s arrant nonsense. The idea that you personally like is the traditional notion that men should behave one way and women another. But it’s not a default or a simple fact. It’s cultural and something that you prefer. That’s all.

Shame your partner doesn’t hold the same ideas, as it clearly disappoints you.

Well when he was working 7 nights per week I was happy to carry the load at home but now he's working 3 and sitting on his arse watching while I empty the bins it's a bit different. Circumstances change ....

Why did he change from 7 nights per week to 3? Is it related to his health?
Have a chat with him. This is new to him too. Just tell them to help you around the house more.
Are you working more hours now?

@Iwantanactualman What are your working hours?

Yes they do, and you can change how your share of work changes with them. Have you had a conversation with him about what a more equitable share looks like now?

Why is there man and woman things in the first place? If he was so unless why keep on having kids with him?

Im a SAHM, DS8 has profound autism, non verbal alongside 2 chronic health conditions so unfortunately I have no choice. That may be part of the problem, DS doesn't really sleep so im running on 4/5 hours per night and he's not picking up any of the slack

So many times, it's pointless now.

Or a moral compass within.

Some people are more naturally into stuff related to their gender stereotype. It's also probably true that children taught that men do the DIY and women do all the nappy changes might grow up thinking they should do it, but it's not inevitable. Schools/their friends etc will challenge old ideas of what a man "should" or shouldn't do.