Christmas :-/

[Yetie]

My parents used to be local and they’ve moved a couple of hours away. My gran, lives approx 30mins from me (where my parents used to live). My gran was very upset when they moved and worries as she lives alone. I am now her go to for help and vice versa (child/dog care).
We were in the pub and they were talking about how Xmas is getting booked up, I thought how I’d like to not cook so booked a table to include my gran.
my parents went away last year.
i then messaged my parents and my brother letting them know our plans and that if they want to join us to let me know and ill add them to the booking.
my mum is sad as she wanted to host (but for me to cook) in her new house.
i said well I’m sorry but we’re going to the pub near us as we both want a drink. The same reason I’m sure her and my dad won’t come over to us.
Aibu to think, you moved, you kinda have to expect we won’t see each other as much. I just feel guilty.

Same. You are definitely not unreasonable, OP.

I think your parents are being cheeky.. the option is for them to come to the pub or not, that's it, the rest is up to them. Just enjoy your planned Xmas with gran and enjoy guilt-free.

My parents did similar, moved about a 5hr drive away, no public transport there easily then complained that the adult children didn't visit so much. They never once came to visit any of us once they moved, in 20 years.

Well, yeah, I've shared duties with shared Christmasses before.

I have never had someone listen to my plans for Christmas though and then suggest something totally different with me doing all the hardest work I was obviously choosing not to do though.

So my experience, and yours, aren't exactly relevant are they?

Sorry your mum wants you to come to her house, cook everyone dinner, not drink and then drive back 2 hours?

eh no.

This! Even if the plan is as simple as "we choose what the plan is" then people get the memo.

It really pisses me off when family move away and expect everyone else to run around after them. The time to ask if family actually want to travel hours on festive holidays is before moving. Being upset after the fact is all on them.

Um what now, who “deserves” a kitchen. What a weird take, and I don’t see how the fact you like to cook is remotely relevant here, the op said she didn’t wish to cook this year so booked dinner out. I can’t see why she should cook as you like to.

YABU. You don’t have to cook but punishing them for moving is crazy. They haven’t moved to the moon - it’s only 2 hours away - so there is literally nothing preventing everyone to see each other or excluding them which is what you seem to be doing by stealth.

you know people manage to move across the globe and families manage not to hold a grudge? Thats so childish

I think it’s fine to do separate things. Could you go there for Boxing Day?

I am team Gran. And there is as mentioned always Boxing Day or even a later day in the week.

are you mad? How is she punishing them? It's completely fine to say she doesn't want to travel and have the bother of having all the work on top of it because her mother who wants to "host" can't be arsed to do it herself. Her prents didn't think twice about her going away the year before.

Are you reading the same OP?

OP doesn't want to be the skivvy for the day by driving a 4 hour round trip, do all the cooking and not being able to have a glass of wine.

So she has made plans with her gran and invited her parents to join them.

By your theory 2 hours is nothing so the parents could drive over to join them - no problem!

We booked a table last year and paid for it everyone. Best decision ever.

You aren’t at the pub all day. People go back to their homes. They can then settle in with some snacks and drinks and continue the festivities as long as they did a little planning.

I hate how at Christmas people feel they can police each others behaviour. You want to go out, so go out! They want to stay in and eat at home, they can stay in!

You’re right to just make plans that you want to do and to extend an invitation to join IF THEY WANT. What your parents are doing is deciding what they want and what everyone else should want and then trying to enforce that on the group!

Cooked food, pub and with gran

Fabulous idea. Go for it and nice you invited others early enough for them to be included

A couple of years ago I started saying no after 35 years of going along with mil's plans. I like mil, we get on well. I can't stand sil so put up with her...for mil and when he was alive fil sakes.

But mil insisted we went out Christmas eve the other year. I explained I didn't want to go out in the evening as I wanted a drink (I'm automatically expected to chauffeur everyone including sil who never asks, just expects and never says thanks or offers petrol etc).

So we ate at noon. Mil has very fixed ideas of what time lunch has to be. In an empty pub/restaurant. The service was shite, the food worse. But it's given me a great get out that I don't want to be disappointed and waste the money again.

It's so liberating... saying no

YABU to put this anywhere but the Xmas board.

Very fair

Thanks everyone - granny and I are happy with our bold decision ha

You sound like the crazy one, @BlackRowan .

No-one is "being excluded by stealth" here.

Last year parents decided to go away for Christmas. Doesn't sound like they consulted or invited anyone else.
Everyone else decided how they'd spend their Christmas.

This year they decided to move.
Everyone else has decided what they want to do for Christmas, and invited parents to join them.
Perfectly normal.

It's a 2 hour drive (4 hour round trip) for someone, and this year it's not going to be OP or gran.

Next year, who knows?