AIBU to feel lonely and tearful on maternity leave?

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I am starting to wonder if I have PND or if feeling lonely/isolated during maternity leave is normal. I have a gorgeous 5 month old who I love to bits but I am wondering if I am starting to develop PND or if I what I am feeling is normal?

My appetite has decreased, I am very tearful and feel isolated. I still get out every day with my baby but I just feel so lonely? My family came over on Sunday and I did not want them to leave, I loved having adult company. My husband is rarely here as he works, I -am responsible for baby since the beginning - putting baby to bed, getting baby up, all night feeds. Maybe my adrenaline has wore off?

AIBU to feel very lonely during my maternity leave? And any tips to help solve it? I have joined a music class to take baby to once a week and that starts this week. Will this feeling lift?

You do sound "down in the dumps"
Maybe a trip to the GP or a chat with the Health Visitor may rule out anything medical.

Mum and baby groups are great on mat leave. Even when baby is small ypu can meet mums in the same boat and have a brew and a biscuit.
Take your little one swimming. Its never too early. It also tires them out, most babies love time in the pool.
A good brisk walk in a park with a cafe may lift your mood, especially on a lovely autumn day.
Have a little "at home" pamper. A lovely bath, do your hair, paint your nails can make a world of difference to lifting your spirits.

Wishing you and your little one all the best xx

Have you considered joining any groups? Baby sensory groups? The app “peanut” to meet other mums? I think it’s understandable to feel the way you are feeling in your current set up, sounds like you are sad because you are lonely and in need of some adult company OP xx

You don’t mention a single friend Op?

This. You need other people in your life more than once a week. Human beings were not designed to be home alone all day with a small baby.

You might have PND or you might just be feeling lonely and isolated because you are.
When DC were small I made friends with a nanny who gave me really good advice that I followed. She said: leave the house every day. Make sure you have a conversation with an adult at least once a day. And make sure you have a date with your DH once a week.

The once a day outing meant making an effort to go to baby music, playgroups, coffee mornings, baby yoga. Most of these things are really there to help new mothers connect. Church playgroups were lovely. Full of older volunteers who would take your baby for a moment while you chatted to another mum.

A group of new mums in our area used to meet up once a week for coffee in each others houses, and once a week for lunch in a local cafe. You might have to make an effort and suggest this to a few people, or just invite a few mums for meet ups in the park. See who says yes, as they will be, like you, wanting to make friends. Don't worry if you don't have much in common. At this stage of life, just having an adult to swap baby chat with helps.

And for the dates with DH, I recommend not going out for dinner, as you won't have much to say to him if you are shattered and home alone with the baby, so always go to a film, comedy night, music gig, theatre show - any new shared experience that you can chat about afterwards.

Based on my personal experience, I want to say that this will pass. I think the first year is the hardest, it’s a massive adjustment and after the initial period of everyone swooning over a newborn, it does tend to get quite lonely. But I also don’t want to just brush over what you’ve shared about PND, please do reach out to your HV my luv. It sounds like some adult company is really valuable to you and so it’s understandable you don’t want your family to leave. I wouldn’t say I made any long standing friendships from baby groups, but it was nice to be around adults and get moments of adult interaction. Big hugs to you darling. All these years later and I still remember just how lonely those days felt ♥️

My gosh no wonder! There's a unique loneliness to being with a baby and no adult company. I moved hundreds of miles when my son was 6 weeks old and was so so lonely. Moved near family but their own health changed and I rarely saw them, felt so sad to have left my friends and community. I downloaded peanut and made two amazing lifelong friends there and also went to lots of groups and made some friends there too, sometimes takes time but it really isn't natural for a post-partum mum to be alone all day with a baby, were a social species. We need the village, some more than others.

Big hug, I remember that time well. It gets easier I promise xxx

Yanbu. It's hard. My little girl is 4 and a half months and honestly same. Make sure you get to groups when they are back on to try make some mum friends and if it just doesn't help definitely reach out to HV or GP.

Join more groups! I know someone that had 2 booked in most days 😅

Think I did 3 a week - a chilled play group, a music class and a baby massage class. As baby got older I found a local mums walking group. Made friends at these and did random meet ups with them. Coffees after class, WhatsApp groups, meeting up in park when it was nice out.

By the end I was out most days doing something if I wanted to.

Can you go and stay with your Mum for a few days. I always found it lonely at home with a small baby but l would go and stay at my Mom's every now and then just for a change of scene. Do you and your dh do things at the weekend? Does he mind the baby so you can get to a gym or somewhere you like to go.
Did you just finish breastfeeding as that can change the whole hormone thing too making you a bit weepy.
But overall it's very common to be lonely and that is why there is so many mom groups.

I do wonder if it is my social set up as when my family were over on Sunday my appetite came back for the first time in weeks

Had they not been over for weeks?

op.. you haven’t responded re friends?

Hey OP
When I had my two little ones I only functioned every day because I had a group of women in the same position from NCT and we all sort of kept each other going.
Some have stayed friends 11 years later, some I've lost contact with.

In the early days it is very tiring and lonely. You're not the only one.

My advice would be to go on your local FB page, ours has a local area for what's on with kids.
Try and go to something every day, they're not all paid for classes, there's usually a free library thing once a week, baby sensory, sing and sign, baby music, outdoor baby club, church hall stay and plays etc
They're all absolutely awful but they all have OTHER MUMS there, and teas and coffees.

I hate small talk, I'd find it easier to fight a drunk bloke (I am a police officer lol) than talk to mums at school gates, but there will be women who will help you and chat.
You will get through this. It really is a small phase in your life
Best wishes

We lived abroad when DS was born, I was very lonely as had no family around. I went out A LOT, this was my routine from 8 weeks until about 7 months when I had to go back to work:

Monday - feeding support coffee group
Tuesday - local mum coffee group
Wednesday- baby sensory class
Thursday - mum and baby pilates
Friday - I'd keep it free and either see DH for lunch or do something else

A few of the same women attended all the above and I made friends with them. We had nothing else in common but it was nice to have someone adult conversation, even if it was just about babies etc.

It was hard work getting out every morning but it was so worth it. I'd be back by 12/1 and spend the afternoon at home.

You need some maternity leave friends. The music class is a good start, but you may need to join a few things to find the ones that are friendly - don't rule out the cheap and cheerful toddler groups or library sessions. You might make actual friends or just people who are in a similar situation to pass the time and shared experiences with and that's fine too. Do make an appointment with GP too.

Look for free or close to free drop in groups to go to in your area, we run one for £2, there’s volunteers on hand as well as other parents to chat to

My family dont visit often as they live a three hour drive away - friends have dropped off after the ‘newborn’ visits which I understand as they have their own families and lives

I was utterly miserable on maternity leave; being at home alone with only a baby for company for 12 hours a day IS misery making. My top tip:

Stop going to baby groups. Toddlers love a soft play or a sing song, babies couldn't give a shit. Instead go to baby friendly cinema screenings, museums, activities with friends (do you have local friends?), visit your family. Just being alive is enough stimulation for a 5 month old; it's YOU who needs the stimulation.

What time does you DH get home? Can you do activities in the evening, like meeting up with friends who are working, going to a book group or a dance class? Whatever makes YOU happy.

Or it might be possible for your DH to take some parental leave so you can go back to work? (I realise this may not appeal, but for me going back to work was like someone turning the lights back on).

All of this advice is great

YANBU op. I absolutely hated maternity leave both times. I thrive much more at work and in adult conversation that isn’t about naps and teething.

My first mat leave was in lockdown, so I first went to baby groups with DC2 and struggled to bond with the mums.

I do wonder if I am missing work and adult company - as seeing my family yesterday has definately been the trigger for me even making this post

are you doing any classes? Anything at all?

I agree with the advice above. Get yourself to some classes/groups. The children’s centre and your HV should have a list of local free ones. Libraries and museums also tend to run baby classes. The Peanut app is great and you can ask in your local group about classes/meet ups etc.

Once you start attending things you’ll start to recognise familiar faces and most new mums are pretty open to talk about the hard stuff. On my first mat leave, there was an amazing second time mum who would rally everyone for coffee after a class.

If you really feel mat leave isn’t for you, you can by law arrange to end it early. Providing you have the childcare provision that’s an option and if it makes you a happier mum might be the right one for your family.

Hoping this all works out for you op.

Have stuff booked in most days for adult chat and social connection. With my first baby I had a breastfeeding coffee morning, baby swimming, baby music, walks with baby most days in a sling as they hated the pram. The odd coffee /tea with nct crew.
are you eating enough to maintain a healthy weight ? If not you should see your GP?

This.

One baby group a week isn't going to cut it.
There's bound to be loads of groups locally, lots of different types. Pick out out for each day and if you make it,.great, if you don't fancy it, that's fine. From that you can build up friendships, invite the other mums out for lunch after etc.

So your week could look like

Monday: church (free or virtually free) baby and toddler group. Most churches do these and they are either not religious or minimally so.
Tuesday: your music group
Wednesday: organised community sling/pram walk, maybe go for a warm coffee and cake after
Thursday: baby signing (lots of fun), or another free/very cheap baby group if needing to keep an eye on £
Friday: baby club at the library (free).

After a while, you'll get to know the other mums and then organised clubs often turn into lunch after, and then other stuff, or playdates instead.

To an extent mat leave is what you make it. It can be very lonely, but it can also be filled with fun and activities.