AIBU to feel a friendship is drifting over different parenting styles?

[Embarrassedmumoftoddler]

One of my close friends and I both had a baby around a similar time but now our boys are toddlers I feel like we are drifting a lot as we parent quite differently.

My friend loves going for brunch or coffee and her son will happily sit in the high chair, whilst my boy gets restless pretty quickly and it ends up being quite stressful really as I’m so mindful of everyone else in the restaurant. I know her whole antenatal group do coffee meet ups a lot so I worry that she is annoyed that my boy won’t tolerate the high chair.

I’ve suggested activities that the boys can do together instead but my friend never seems to enjoy them - e.g she didn’t like the playgroup as the other children there were too loud, I suggested a messy play class but almost immediately she took her son to the bathroom to clean him up and left early. Then recently we went to a national trust type place but it was sunny and my friend fussed constantly about the boys being in the sun & ended up following her son around so he was always in her shadow…

I’ve suggested getting together just us two but my friend works in the week so wants to maximise time with her boy which I do understand but it just feels like we are just in totally different places at the moment even though our children are the same age. I always walk away from our get togethers wondering if she actually had fun and feel awkward when she’s indirectly criticizing the place I’ve suggested (like the other week I felt like I had to apologise that the activity wasn’t in the shade even though it’s out of my control).

Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and if things improved? Part of me is wondering if she just feels better connected to her new mum friends these days.

Some people just drift apart. Its ok.

Meet with her in the evening without kids, you can have a better chat. I wouldn’t describe this as different parenting styles so much as your children like different things. My first child wouldn’t sit for very long in a cafe, so I preferred to do other things, but if they had then I would have preferred that for me!

True. It’s just a shame we have drifted over something I thought we would bond over

It's not your parenting styles from what you say, more that her child will sit in a high chair for brunch and coffee and yours won't. Otherwise you wouldn't be investigating any of the other stuff. That could change tomorrow. I wouldn't fall out over it, even if you don't see one another with the children for a while. They're not toddlers forever.

I would keep going. In the scheme of things it's such a short period of time you don't want to lose a friend over it. What about a simple soft play?

Her child will not always sit in a high chair and frankly what youre doing is way more fun for everyone. Ive drifted from a lot of my friends too, its just the way it is. Sometimes youll drift back together and sometimes you wont.

I had this exact problem when my kids were small. I had very active, restless boys and all my friends seemed to have placid, easy going babies and toddlers who would happily sit with a box of crayons and a colouring book for an hour.

I ended up feeling judged for my parenting and quite anxious about it all because my kids just could not go more than 5 minutes sitting still. As time has passed I can see that our kids just had very different characters and it wasn't about parenting, the kids just needed different levels of activity. But it did impact on my friendships at the time. Some of them survived, and some gradually died out.

My only advice is that it is natural to feel disappointed by this, but don't beat yourself up and don't try to force your kid to enjoy trips to cafes. Some children just aren't suited to them until they are substantially older. And maybe be honest with your friend and say you can't do those types of outings for now. And if she doesn't like bringing her kids on days out that your child enjoys, she shouldn't feel under pressure to do that either. Just acknowledge the difficulty and hope that you can resume the relationship when your lives have settled down a bit.

That's fair -- I say this as another mother of a baby who was restless and easily bored pretty much from birth, while the rest of my NCT group had what I used to refer to enviously as 'placid potato babies' who snoozed serenely if put on a picnic blanket on the ground.

I have suggested evening meet ups but she’s still BF so doesn’t wsnt to. Just feels like there is an issue with everything I suggest at the moment

Well I suppose I mean parenting styles as in I do things geared around my boy whereas she takes him along with her if you know what I mean. I do feel like she’s quite anxious as well which maybe doesn’t help things like doing outside things when it’s sunny.

Everything I have suggest to her are things I already do with my son and her boy has always enjoyed it. It’s just my friend who has found issue with all of it.

I’d take a step back for now you have different children and she doesn’t get that your child won’t just sit. Just stick to chatting for now and see if things change. You may find your dc starts to settle a bit or she may be a bit more adventurous as time goes on.

I never liked all those toddler activities like messy play and managed to stomach the local church playgroup about twice so I do have sympathy with your friend.
I was much more a brunch and mooch round the shops sort of a mum both times.

But hang in there, it’s a very short time period and before you know it they’ll be clambering all over the playground together.

I agree with this. This stage is relatively short, so it'd be a shame to throw the friendship away. It's just part and parcel of being a toddler parent that you have to spend half your meal filling them round the garden. You are being a good parent and friend. It will pass! Model good sitting at the table behaviour at home for short periods and it'll get better. And don't expect any child to sit through a great long meal they have no interest in.

I would step back a little but consider that she may be struggling with parenting in her own way. If she seems anxious about noisy groups, messy play and being out in the sun (all perfectly normal activities to do with a toddler) I would be less concerned that she is judging you and more concerned that she is maybe not ok herself perhaps?

I don’t think it’s parenting styles, it’s just you have different interests. She wants to make the most of having her baby tag along with things, and you’re not able to do that. I wouldn’t say it’s parenting styles, more activity choices. I was definitely more of a baby-tag-along person with my son. I really made the most of going for lunch/dinners, city breaks, etc. I didn’t enjoy baby groups and at that age my son didn’t really care about them either.

It’s not going to be forever and it’s not something to fall out over. She won’t be breastfeeding forever, so plenty of time to meet in the evening when the kids are asleep. This awkward stage passes so quickly and it gets a lot easier!

Just to say I don’t want the friendship to drift but feel like she’s not that bothered and doesn’t seem to enjoy getting together these days

You can still be friends. Just do what your child enjoys OP.

Your suggestions sound like more fun for all anyway ?! (I have three small boys)
her child won’t always sit nicely in a high chair

Do you have any play centres near you? Both my children were busy children so needed more stimulation so play centres were amazing! We live
near a city so it’s easier as there are loads to chose from

I honestly think you should talk to her to try to prevent the drift- I know a lot of people will say it’s fine but when you’re in your 40s and you’ve lost your friends due to conflicting schedules/ parenting/ whatever and you think back to the things you could have done it’s hard (I had more boisterous children so turned down offers to go to everything really because I felt I was failing at parenting and couldn’t bear for my friends, who had kids eating veggie snacks and sitting quietly. I regret it now).

You sound like the sort of friend I would have enjoyed being with more than your friend. Used to hate sitting in coffee shops. You sound incompatible even without the difference in your children’s energy levels.

If she is anxious about the sun, her child getting messy and noisy places she may not be enjoying much at all now rather than just not enjoying catching up with you. It sounds like parenting could be very overwhelming for her.
Have you suggested meeting at each other's homes? My DS is autistic and gets overwhelmed in a lot of places so going out with friends is tough but when they bring their DC to mine the DC and adults have a lovely time.

Yeah your toddler is far more what I expect a toddler to be. I could never understand Mums that could sit for hours in a cafe. I have a 2.10 year old and he will sit for about 20 minutes max before he needs to run around, and it has taken us months to build up to that. She may suffer later on. All the Mums I know with active toddlers have excellent sleepers/nappers including my own, and all the Mums with the placid little things have trouble with night sleeps and tend to drop the naps early.

I had babies with very different activity levels and that has actually stayed with them for years and years. children can be very different and have different needs even with the same parent. I suspect the OP will find she will quickly fill her weekends with sporting activities etc as the toddler gets older.

Child 1 was walking by 11 months and was an early crawler/climber. We had to leave baby massage as she was too active. However, her afternoon nap was absolutely sacrosanct as she basically exhausted herself and kept that going until she went to school and it could be 3 hours. Child 2 didn’t walk until 14 months and you could sit her on a picnic blanket and she’d stay there. She dropped her naps by 2 and she never really expanded as much energy. At 10, child 1 goes bananas without a lot of exercise and stimulation. Child 2 could happily potter indoors with crafts for days.

Well I like to think so 😂but I know not all mums like doing those things but I love it