That ex can't just drop by to see the dc even if he doesn't come in?

[Timmydoesstuff]

Oldest dc is nearly 12 and has her own phone. Ex has started texting her when dc are with me asking if he can 'pop by' to drop off snacks, toys, etc when we are all home.

Today we are lounging around the house and he sends her a text saying he has some sweets and he'll be round in a minute and she and her brother should get dressed and come outside to get them. I called him and said its not ok to do this and that I'm not comfortable with it. He has now kicked off saying he wasn't trying to come in and that he shouldn't need permission to drop things off to dc at the front of the house.

I know ianbu but I'm struggling to articulate why. Background is ex is extremely reactive, controlling and constantly pushing boundaries. Dc don't particularly like seeing him as his mood can change so suddenly.

This is a new way to monitor and control you.

it’s intrusive and manipulative.

If you’d split and he was a sensible amicable co-parent I’d say fine, but agree, this is just another way to control you/ ruin your day. Tell him to save the stuff up until he sees the kids again. And/ or leave a box at the end of your drive!

He’s checking up on you and using it to control you all.

Thank you. I know its not ok but they are so bloody good at spinning your head around and making you doubt yourself.

Any tips on what to say to him to other than it makes me uncomfortable? I know its a form of control and attempt to push boundaries. I'd say that to him but he'd probably explode with rage 😆

Tell him to keep the sweets and give them to the children on his own time. You don't have to put up with him turning up whenever he feels like it - sounds like he's trying to keep tabs on all of you. You don't have to explain or give a reason.

Ypur chikddem domt get to decide shat adults can visit the house for whstvee reason. If he wanst to visit he should call you..tnh if yhat is the case id get a separte number amd andual sim.to keep things separate. Its way out of orser and yes a way of usimg the childrem to get to you.
Dont say it makez ypu uncomfprtable. He may like that. And its not the point.
Its not approrpiate om any level.to make arrangements dorsctly with the children. He needz to do that with you. Until they are adults. And ..like all adults, he needz to ask you if he evsr wantz to come via the hpuze for zny reason. Ylu dont want or entertain people who turn up unanounced.

If everything was otherwise amicable, or your DC missed him and wanted to see more of him, then I’d think it would be a pretty shitty thing to do to stop him as you’re supposed to love your children more than you dislike your ex and if you’re at home anyway then it’s not interfering with any quality time.

But, if they don’t really like seeing him and you believe this is done to insert himself into your time, then I’d be inclined to text him back saying that the children are busy with you. It is your time. He can give them sweets on his time. They will not be coming outside. If he kicks off or starts to escalate matters, escalates matters, call the police. Every single time. Don’t tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable because that’s what he’s aiming for.

I agree this is a control measure. He wants to check up on you.

No. He has to check with you before he comes over on your custody time and no is your answer. No, the kids are not going outside to see him. You stick to your custody order.

You're divorced. You are co-parenting, and you don't want him dropping in and hanging out in your home on your custody time. That's your time, not his. It's confusing to the kids and you enjoy your private family time and activities with your kids. He can save it for when he sees the kids.

I think you're being a bit controlling, given your childrens ages, he's not coming in your house so where's the harm in them popping outside to see him?

It is harassment, control and alienation of parental affection. Have you got a video camera? You told him not to come and he intentds to ignore your boundaries. He is using the kids phones to invade your physical and mental space. You should call the police and establish some ground rules and have them enforced by someone he will listen to.

He is only coming to keep tabs on you and see if you have another man there.

This is absolutely classic behaviour from men like this. The excuse of dropping by “to see the kids” as a way of pushing boundaries happens constantly, especially in cases where there’s coercive control or DV.

Controlling is him just popping over with excuse candy and stuff on her time. He's just going it to see if she's got a man over. The kids don't even like seeing him. He's being sly and tricky contacting the 12 year old instead of the parent.

Because its not an innocent 'oh was just passing so thought I'd pop by'.

He has form for constantly pushing boundaries. He hasn't been allowed inside my home for years and has made no secret of the fact he's pissed off about it. He had a girlfriend and new friendship group last year so we barely saw him. That all went to shit so he's been trying to insert himself back in my life ever since.

If the children actually wanted more time with him or asked to see him I'd have them dressed and at his door in a second. I'm exhausted! But he's so reactive and can turn in a second that they only want short visits. When hesin a good mood he can be great fun, but you are constantly on eggshells waiting for the switch.

I still don't see the issue, he's not seeing you. Don't react and if he is doing it to wind you up he'll stop bothering.

I disagree. I think it is an act of control. My ex used to do this. Phone the kids, say he’s nearby and wants to drop something off etc,I would then hear him annoyed if we were out picking up a domino’s, asking how long we’d be out for, surely back in 20 no? Etc, it was awful. When you’re separated you are separated! There is no popping in options. Each parent has “their days” and with good reason. Exes are noticing a visitors car on the driveway, changes in your habits etc, it’s all inappropriate.

Do we have the same ex?!

Exact same situation here... barely hear from him when he's loved up with whichever latest woman, but when that ends he's a pain in MY ass again

@tripleginandtonic if you've never seen/experienced this sort of narcissistic/coercive controlling behaviour, over a long time, it can seem like it's all perfectly reasonable. Unfortunately, that's what these men do as a way to appear "innocent" to anyone else.

OP - this is tricky because as I'm sure you're aware by now, asking/telling him to behave differently has, if anything, a negative impact on his behaviour. So, depending on how the children feel/act and what they are able to manage in terms of boundaries, some version ofgiving them support to enforce boundaries is useful.

Franky, I bet you've had a hundred situations where you've gtold your DD to come downstairs to empty the dishwasher/take out the bins/help with dinner or whatever, and she's just ignored you? . So does she undrerstand that just because he says he's coming by, doesn't mean she has to acknowledge him or do what he wants? Be sensitive to age and relationship appropriate levels here but, for example, can she just pretend she hasn't seen the message or tell him thank you but she's doing homework so can only pop out to grab the sweets or can he please leave them at the door for her or whatever?

Or, when he texts, ask the DC if they want to go outside/want to see him. if they are chilled and happy just to keep watching TV or whatever it is, you simply text him saying ,"thanks for the offer. Kids just chilling in pyjamas and aren't up for getting up and going outside right now. they'll see you on Saturday as usual" or similar?

Get a CAO in place you can be really clear on contact and handover in those and they give you legal backing

A friend of mine had a similar situation. Her ex was controlling. She bought a fairly large lockable watertight plastic box and installed it in the front garden. Each had a key and anything that needed to be dropped off got left there. Things like musical instruments that went back and forth. She also used a parenting Ap only to communicate with him. If he wanted to send an abusive message, the Ap would advise against it, ask if he was sure he wanted to proceed etc, and everything was recorded.

please monitor the messages he’s sending the kids directly as I’d worry that he may be sending controlling ones to them.. if the children are walking on eggshells and exploding then that is him emotionally abusing them. I’m not sure what to advise - but if they don’t want to see him because of this then you probably need to go to court to sort out access.

My tips would be to make it about the kids. Say, very calmly and reasonably that the benefit from routine and clear boundaries and that having you pop in and out disrupts this and it can make them upset or anxious. OBVIOUSLY you know he has the best of intentions (!!!) and that he wouldn’t want this to unsettle the kids now that he knows this is the effect. Tell him that when they are older of cosier things might change but for the time being you’re going to insist that he keeps contact to his time, you’ll do the same, and if he’s not happy then you invite him, pleasantly, to take you to court.

You could also say that you’re trialling a new “no sweets/ chocolate” in the week rule now the kids are back at school.

Don’t make it about you, or let him be able to pin it to your feelings- this will make it look much more unreasonable (even though it’s not) and encourage him to do it more.

Could you also take your 12 yr old’s phone off her at pinch points- not as a punishment but just because this must put her in a difficult position.

Also agree with big lockable box outside.

There is a difference between dropping off her school jumper that she left in the car and needs for tomorrow and dropping off sweets and toys.

One is necessary and helpful, one is unnecessary and manipulative. Who doesn’t want to be seen as the Sweets Fairy swanning on in when mum is trying to get everyone to stop bickering?

Tell him to save the sweets so they can look forward to them during his time.

It’s a bit off topic but people (even another parent) turning up and bringing sweets is a super annoying thing to do. It’s terrible for their teeth and it disrupts mealtimes and bedtimes.

Totally inappropriate of you! Bloody hell, get a grip!! He's asking kids to come to door to give them things, how on earth is this controlling, deceptive?!

It not even inconveniencing you in any way!