That ex can't just drop by to see the dc even if he doesn't come in?

[Timmydoesstuff]

Oldest dc is nearly 12 and has her own phone. Ex has started texting her when dc are with me asking if he can 'pop by' to drop off snacks, toys, etc when we are all home.

Today we are lounging around the house and he sends her a text saying he has some sweets and he'll be round in a minute and she and her brother should get dressed and come outside to get them. I called him and said its not ok to do this and that I'm not comfortable with it. He has now kicked off saying he wasn't trying to come in and that he shouldn't need permission to drop things off to dc at the front of the house.

I know ianbu but I'm struggling to articulate why. Background is ex is extremely reactive, controlling and constantly pushing boundaries. Dc don't particularly like seeing him as his mood can change so suddenly.

It's inconveniencing all of them. He does it in the evening when they're all winding down for bed and in their pjs. They would have to change and go outside because with the history, he shouldn't be let into OP's home. Who calls their 12 year old to tell them they're dropping by? Who gives their kids sweets at bedtime?

Someone who's being tricky and manipulative and disruptive at near bedtime to check up on their ex and find a way into her home, that's who.

And the kids don't enjoy time with him so it upsets them before bed. What a great dad. NOT.

Agree that sweets may be a tad bit inappropriate, but you're making huge leaps.

lol..they can come to door in pajamas!

Is your visitation schedule ordered by the court?

If so, then he can't swing by for physical contact with the kids whenever the fancy strikes him. (Equally, you can't do that when they're with him).

YANBU.

If the schedule isn't court ordered then you need to get that done.

No, if contact with the kids is subject to a court order and there are specific days when he has the kids, then that's what he gets by way of contact, and nothing more, except by mutual agreement.

He's interfering with the OP's parenting time and if that time is court ordered then he is completely out of order.

May you never know the joys of coparenting with a very difficult man.

I also don’t see the issue sorry,

Our custody schedule isn't court ordered. We have done mediation and agreed a schedule but its been a bit all over the place over the 6 week holidays.

To those saying its no big deal, consider yourselves lucky you've never had to deal with someone like this. Years ago I would come home to find him sat outside my home to 'use the internet' or asking to to use the toilet. I once caught him about to step in the front door as he was carrying dds school bag and tried to use that as an excuse to come in. Its exhausting, relentless, and I've developed an autoimmune disorder in my 40s that I suspect may be down to the stress of the last 14 years.

Please get yourself a solicitor, and I strongly urge you to call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

You need a lot of support dealing with this man.

You need a solicitor who is really good at cases involving emotionally abusive men. The exact days and times when this man can see the children need to be hammered out and set forth in an order. The length of time he can spend phoning or texting the children needs to be hammered out too. He needs to be explicitly forbidden from entering your property (i.e. going beyond the garden gate) but that is only possible if the property is in your name only (rented or owner-occupied).

Once you have the court ordered schedule, you can take him back to family court with motions of contempt every single time he breaches the agreement.

Get the support of Women's Aid.
Get a really good solicitor. You need a bulldog.

Don't hesitate to be hard nosed and to fight back. I guarantee this man has no interest whatsoever in the children as a bona fide parent. He is just using them as an opportunity to be a thorn in your flesh.

Sorry that you're going through this, OP. Agree with previous comments about getting things in place so that he can't just swing by, which seems so innocent but is absolutely not. And how pathetic that he uses his anger to essentially attempt to keep you doing what he wants.

You can really tell the people on here who have never had to deal with a man like this.

It it breaks into family time. Its not harmless.

My mother used to say about people like this "give them an inch and they will take a mile".

With school holidays over it may be easier to stick with the "no, this disrupts things before bed/during dinner/while doing homework".

The key is to remember that any boundaries you put in place aren't there with any expectation he will comply, but rather with a clear understanding of what you will do when he crosses them. And, crucially, acceptance from you that enforcing those boundaries will lead to him being angry or pushing harder but you should be assured in your own mind that its completely ok to have those boundaries.

It is the thebpeople on this thread who may be well meaning but who have never experienced this that give him power. Because you know that if he complains to other people, lots will take what he is doing at face value and think you are being harsh. You are not.

(And yes, people will wonder why he cant come in to use the toilet, or the Internet if he needs it. But its my mums axiom again - an inch and a mile. And the next thing hes not leaving, hes rifling through your post and demanding to know who you are texting...)

Those with experience spot his behaviour for exactly what it is.

OP, tell him you want clear boundaries for everyone’s sake- there is to be no “stopping by” your place just as you won’t be stopping by his place.

Your time with them is yours and vice versa.

You might want to insist on a handover in a neutral location as well, instead of having him come to your house.

Frame it as being better for everyone.

Oh sweet summer child

My ex tried to do this but he soon got fed up and got another girl he woukd then content himself with driving past my house and seeing my car wasnt there question the kids where I was its fucking exhausting

I wouldn't let him have the kids number tbh they are too young for this

Another one here going through the same @Timmydoesstuff . It's horrible and the fear of the reaction makes us doubt ourselves. Ignore posters saying it is harmless, we know it isn't. My DC are much older (one is an adult!) and ex still turns up unannounced and my stress levels spike, the dog goes crazy and it take forever to calm things down.

I have an email ready to go for weeks and I haven't been able to send it yet. Every time I am about to I think, no wait, he will hold back his maintenance, or wait, he won't give me my share of money from selling the car - there is always something he can hold over me.

But I am going to send it because it is all about control and I need to break free from it. Same goes for you OP

I would suggest thinking about it like a kids friend who can be a bit much. Would you rule out them ever coming over? No but would you set very firm boundaries about how it is done.

Tell him any coming to the house even stopping by on the street needs to be agreed with you and not raised with the children first. Say dropping in sweets and toys is not a legitimate reason to come by. If it is essential he can suggest something to you and you can decide.

I would also be more restrictive with the phone so the option to message is not so easy.

Given the history, it could be that he is checking up on you. If that was me I would give him reason to suspect there was someone else in my life clear that he will not know anything about it. It could also be that he is bored and missing the kids, in which case he needs to get a social life.

Perhaps comment things like, “shouldn’t you be out doing things when the kids are not with you?” push him to stop seeing them as the only way he gets socialisation on the evenings.

Get the time agreed in court if he can’t handle following the rules. Remember he has no right to even walk to your front do if you have told him not to.

YANBU. If he has time with the children on his own, then he uses that time to give them stuff. 'Just' dropping off sweets or whatever isn't essential or an emergency.

My ex used to send my youngest home with cash to give to the eldest, except he was an hour away at uni. Am I a bank all of a sudden?

Worse still, he'd randomly drive past my house, even though he absolutely no reason to, other than to be controlling.

Put your foot down with a firm hand.

Non essential items, repeatedly.

I actually have experience of a healthy co parenting relationship and that behaviour is not acceptable. It is controlling and subtly intrusive.