Women who are assertive, and disliked for it

[bjorni9]

Have you ever come across a woman who is really assertive, and disliked for it? My son is part of a sports club run by volunteers. One of the women is incredibly assertive and people seem to severely dislike her for it. Anyone trying to bend rules thay other staff members let go don't slide with her, if she feels that something hasn't been handled correctly she will say it and provide a solution, sje has no favourites, she will pull people up when their kids are not behaving appropriately. Every single time I have seen her do this she has been entirely reasonable. Interestingly people seem to dislike her for it, and I seem to be the only one that is actually quite inspired by her. Has anyone come across this before? Or maybe you are this person?

Yes this would probably describe me too. Although I try to ensure that I’m fair and kind with it. There are ways to set clear boundaries and give messages that are easier to hear, although some people have an issue with any feedback, however well delivered.
I find that as a senior female leader the people I annoy the most are more junior male colleagues who need reminding of rules and policies which are there to keep them safe. Oh and misogynistic men who just don’t like me because I’m female. I particularly enjoy setting boundaries there, with a smile, knowing they’re seething.
Outside of work I’m always the one sent to complain or ask for things when I’m out with friends. I always do it respectfully but assertively. Some people literally can’t bring themselves to tell anyone if they’ve been served the wrong meal or drink and I can’t understand that.

I’m quite assertive, it’s innate and I didn’t even realise it. I have no doubt my last boss hated it but mostly I don’t seem to be hated for it. I’m naturally very direct and I work hard to temper that, particularly at work.

Now I’m “of a certain age” I’m less of a people pleaser too.

All the women I know who are considered assertive, it's code for rude.

I like the cut of her jib. I admire it in anyone, and aspire to it myself. People (for the historical reasons we are probably all aware of) don't always expect it in a woman, and thus I admire it all the more, and hence why they take against her. Golf clubs must be a tough gig too.

I think for both men and women, the assertiveness often crosses the boundary into inflexibility and confidence that they are always right and shouldn't be questioned - which can be arrogant.

Person I'm thinking about will tell you that she is loved because people love her organisation and know that she stand up for what is right.
The sort of person that joins the village committee, tells them on her first meeting they've been doing things wrong for 30 years, and is pleased when they resign as she thinks that they have just been waiting for someone who knows what they're doing to come along before they resign.
She's sort of surprised that no one else steps up to join her, but figures that people think she doesn't need help. Then is annoyed at the villagers because the annual Christmas tree get together, which started in WWII falls through due to lack of volunteers for the first time ever.
She doesn't see that the lack of volunteers is actually because she is a nightmare to work for because she will loudly say if it's "wrong" aka done differently to how she would do it, and have no flexibility to allow for people having lives to live elsewhere.

She would say that's just her assertiveness. Because she knows what is right, she can't let things lie that are wrong. I would say that's arrogance and a lack of people skills.

I think i am assertive, I don't think being assertive means you have to be in control all the time. Which some people think assertive people want to be.

I'm pretty assertive too, and entitled people probably don't like me either. But I take the view that that is THEIR problem. I wish more people would play fair instead of playing favourites or bowing to those entitled pratts. I'm sure life would be much nicer for the rest of us.

I think that probably means that when you know what you are doing or that you are needed, you step up to lead with confidence.
But there are times when you know that you don't feel it's right, for various reasons, then you know how to stay in the background.

That's a true leader, rather than someone whose personality trait is "assertive".

I am generally quiet, I don't like leading in all honesty. I'd always choose not to lead, and wouldn't volunteer in advance to lead.
However I have realised that when I know what I am doing, and there is a need, then I do naturally step up. You wouldn't see that I am quaking inside though. 😀

For me, my assertiveness was "in-bred" because I come from Yorkshire families, who are well known for "telling it how it is" and taking no prisoners. You know where you are when people are upfront rather than those who faff around being artificially nice and friendly to you in person but stabbing you in the back or not doing what they say will. Yorkshire folk are generally also fair and consistent, i.e. tend not to have favorites and treat everyone the same.

Or perhaps some people are just uncomfortable with women being confident and direct, and ‘rude’ is the label they reach for when they don’t like it.

I have a couple of Yorkshire friends and this is exactly what they are like.

This just about sums it up for me, and certainly the lady sounded very fair in the examples OP gave

It also depends on how it's done and whether the person accepts that they too will sometimes make mistakes, but sadly there are also those who - perhaps not having been told no often enough - will always strop if they don't get their own way

Yes I notice at work some people really dislike it if someone new comes along and questions anything or if they just crack on and are confident in dealing with something but might perhaps dare to do so differently even where it's not a problem at all.

There are ways to set clear boundaries and give messages that are easier to hear

Yes, this too @Brightbluesomething - so for example, instead of telling someone bluntly that they're wrong we might say "Have you considered that ...

I guess it also comes down to having manners and empathy for how the other person might feel about whatever-it-is, and even if someone's being utterly unreasonable I find politeness gets better results than an outright row

I’ve had some of this directed at me at work. It’s old fashioned sexism. I can say exactly the same thing as the man next to me and he will be ‘commanding’ and ‘in control’ and I will be difficult and bossy. I challenge the person who called me the names, ask exactly what they disagree with (it’s always ‘tone’, never content) then call out a similar situation a male colleague handled and ask if Bob too was bossy when he said ‘x’. Never is funnily enough. So I say ‘so my crime is managing whilst female?’ They pretty much slink off. They don’t come back but then I hear they are ‘afraid of me’. Fucks sake!

I really like people who are direct and straightforward, it’s not rude at all. You know where you stand with them. I think people just don’t like it when women don’t behave like they are your mum. She sounds like she patiently explains things to people instead of just saying no, not rude.

Yes women are criticised for the same behaviour men are congratulated for.
Dd is very assertive she has ADHD. She manages a team of men in a male dominated environment. One time an older man repeatedly talked over her in a meeting. She said ‘Roger! You wouldn’t speak over Tim like this so do not do this to me, understand!’ From then she gained the respect of the team.
She takes no prisoners and is very good at her job.
Double standards exist everywhere.

I’ve also experienced this from customers at work. The way I deal with it is to be very direct and matter of fact. Don’t appease the customer, tell them straight. Don't elaborate tell them in a way which isn’t rude but states that they have already been told the information, now you will repeat it once again , and make it clear that this is the end of the conversation.

I didn't think I was particularly assertive, but when I know I'm right I'm prepared to say so and argue the point.

I was a bit taken aback to discover that the men in my friends group at university were agreed that I was scary. (I remember once firmly stating "I am NOT SCARY! I am sweet!" - yes we were mostly pissed at the time)

35 years later when my colleagues are complaining about a particular manager and I'm feeling a bit left out through not having any similar stories... turns out said manager has admitted to being scared of me😂and this despite the fact that I have cried in front of her at least twice

Sadly yes , assertive women are disliked and it's unfair
Women are expected to me "nice ", to nod and smile.
To gently suggest
To pussy foot so not to hurt feelings
You can see it on MNs
The woman who wrote in who was frustrated with the neighbour with a young baby spending hours at her house and still coming around and had to be firm with the CFer
People were in the comments saying she was rude and people were suggesting that she should find mother and baby groups for her
Why?
Women's labour is not respected
Or the woman who posted about man who goaded her after she made a driving error
People were saying she wasn't "nice"
Women don't owe the world nice
Or the women who posted about her bad experience when having her baby and one posted advised she should go to the ward with chocolates and a card to show her appreciation
Women need to stand up and stop accepting bad treatment because society expects them to "be nice".

I get this afraid of me nonsense. I’m a teacher and there’s a certain group of men in their 30s who claim to find me scary. The pupils don’t find me scary at all - I asked them why and they basically just said I seemed forthright and sure of myself. I’ve been teaching for 30 years and been at my current school for 20 so yes- I am confident and will assert boundaries and not put up with bullshit.

Well obviously it's sexist! I was using interesting as a euphemism.

From one opinionated, bossy woman to another I hope 😁

Men are applauded for being assertive and forthright. Women, on the other hand, are roundly criticised for it. They are told they are shrill and bossy, and disliked.

Not fair, is it?

I admire anyone who can assert themselves clearly and honestly without fear of being disliked, as long as they're not unnecessarily rude or overbearing. I wonder where the dislike of this woman stems from.

Men are assertive, strong and good leaders.

Women are bossy, rude and the latest "Karens".

Its all misogny.