Hello all,
I won’t go into the decades of abuse here that I suffered at the hands of both parents, but I will give you a brief overview.
I am an only child to parents who have been physically abusive to each other during my childhood. The divorced each other, then remarried each other two years later, all between the ages of 6-8. To say I seen a lot of things that children shouldn’t see is an understatement.
The abuse towards me was very much emotional and coercive; I had to be tip top all the time, could never be sad or have emotions, had to be respectful regardless of what names they called me, had to agree with them and praise them, keep up appearances etc. There was never any emotional room for me at home, it was always about them.
This continued into my adulthood, I was never allowed to say ‘no’, or express an opinion about anything. My mother is very self involved and would be very jealous if anyone ever paid me a compliment. She would cause arguments between myself and my dad, not that he took much encouragement. I would be told to F off and be called a C U N T, if I ever voiced an opinion or valid point.
My dad graduated a little later in life, I was 13 when he achieved his masters degree, but only my mum was allowed to attend the graduation. They refused to allow me to attend. I was sent to my grandparents house, who actually more or less raised me a lot of the time. I was told how I’d never experience what it felt like, as I wasn’t smart enough.
Moving on, by the time I was 24, I graduated myself and had my own partner and young child. My mum insisted on being there, to the point she refused to babysit so my partner could attend, my dad didn’t even congratulate me. I actually graduated with a higher grade and that never went down well. During the day she was front and centre of everything and actually made me feel embarrassed.
I’ve now not spoken to them in 7 years. A lot more has happened over the years and the abuse never subsided, even into my 30’s. I’d built a lovely life for myself and my children, worked hard and provided well both physically and emotionally.
My eldest seen how they were with me for years, and I was so conditioned and afraid to stand up for myself, after being run into the ground my entire life. Never allowed to make a noise, accept praise, compliments, stand out. We eventually would only see them every couple of months, but that would lead to complaints of me being a bad daughter and preventing them seeing their grandchildren.
I eventually stopped speaking to them after they both physically assaulted me about 6 years ago, as id finally started standing up for myself. I have had the most horrible lies told about me and have been bullied by other family members, to which I have stood my ground. I have been threatened with solicitors if I speak out against them. Myself and my children are happy and have a good life, with my confidence never being so high.
My eldest child is due to graduate next year. I am so incredibly proud of them and it will be the proudest moment of my life. Myself and my other child will be attending, as my ex husband now lives abroad and doesn’t have a strong bond with our children.
We are all really looking forward to the day. The issue is, my mother has now begun emotionally blackmailing my eldest, who doesn’t think too highly of her anyway. They are always polite and respectful, as they know more lies will be told if not.
They have never visited them in uni, despite them being an hour away. They no longer send a birthday card or call to check up. They had a savings account for them when they reached 18 but then refused to allow them access, saying they’d have to ask for any amount they wished to receive from it, with a reason as to why they wanted it. Luckily I’ve been able to always help out, so they’ve never needed to ask. We frequently get torn down for this also!
It is now to the point they wish to block her but are afraid of what will be said next. I have encouraged them to block her but I also understand why they are worried, as she is genuinely a nasty, twisted woman. Has anyone had any experience of something similar and used a solicitor to prevent them contacting them, or spreading vicious lies and false information?
Over the years it’s gone from me deserving my ex husband having an affair and leaving me with two young children, to me being an abusive mother. They have made claims about my ability to cope, stated they used to have to support me financially because I was unstable, which actually wasn’t true and I used to buy them a lot of things in their home, as well as paying for new furniture for them. My dad isn’t interested which quite a wealthy man and my mother has never worked.
I really don’t want her to cast a shadow over the graduation, or any other happy big days that will come our way. Naturally my dad isn’t interested which I’m actually glad of. I’m so worried that they will show up or cause problems closer to the time. Any advice would be appreciated.