Age appropriate chores

[Goonie1]

As a single working mum of 2, I do absolutely everything and after 10 years, I’m physically shattered 😩

My children get spends every week but I’m thinking of asking them to do some age appropriate chores to help me out for their spends.

What do you think are age appropriate chores for a 12 and 10 year old, both very mature for their ages. And how do you think I actually get them to do these chores? Just asking doesn’t really seem to work without causing them to huff and puff around the house 😩

my AIBU is

YABU to ask kids if this age to do stuff
YANBU - give them some daily and weekly chores

at 12 and 10 they should be able to wash up run the hoover round put their washing away clean their rooms. Tell them they don’t get the pocket money until the jobs are done.

Better late than never!
They can keep their rooms clean, bring down their dirty clothes, bring clean clothes back to their rooms, load and empty dishwasher, hoover floors..

It’s very, very late to start introducing chores now. You should have introduced them ten years ago. Of course you’re going to get a huff and a puff because they’re not used to it.

Chores can and should be given as early as 18 months - 2 years old, and they shouldn’t be rewarded for it either. It’s just part and parcel of living in a family. As they get older the chores they can do change and increase.

We’re a family, we’re a team. We all work together to keep a nice tidy house because we all live in it and use it. We don’t dump all the work on one person - that isn’t fair.

When I’m tidying I’ve now started asking everyone to pick up 5/10 things and put them where they should go, they also unload the dishwasher and I might get them
ti sweep the sitting room/ kitchen. When I’m washing sheets I’ll ask them to take their off their sheets. Saying that I’m awful for assuming I’ll do things better myself so I tidy their room make their beds and if they don’t open their curtains I just do it. And we’re a messy family, I forget to leave a clothes basket in their rooms so their clothes are just dumped🙈

It’s not like they’ve never been asked to do anything ever. It’s been on a more fluid ad hoc basis….please could you do this or please could you do that. Please put those toys away etc. I’m just wanting them to have their own chores that they know are theirs to do without me asking. At their ages now, I’m running about a lot for their hobbies after work/school so have less time to do more or less everything so would like them to help out.

They should be both keeping their room(s) respectable (tidy might be a stretch) and stripping their beds on bed laundry day, also putting all other laundry in the basket. Setting and clearing the table including condiments. Setting clothes out for school and packing bags (you’ll still need to check at first) and the eldest can be sent to a local shop/post office/to fetch the younger locally. I also had mine making their own lunch and breakfast most days and helping with food prep and cooking

Same as a PP - they're expected to take part in looking after the home because we're a team and we all live here. Also similar age to your children.

I don't reward them with pocket money for this, it's an expectation that they take part in family life.

Not "set" jobs but noticing what needs doing - is there an empty mug? It needs to go back to the kitchen. Is their laundry basket full? They need to bring it downstairs. Emptying lunch boxes and cleaning them. Helping refill them. Getting yourself a drink? Then you need to offer to get one for others. Etc etc.

I think doing it this way is easier as well - plus it means more gets done. The problem with set chores is that it doesn't encourage them to help out with wider household jobs.

Ignore the huffing! They'll get used to it.

ETA - they needed a lot of me working alongside them initially to get this bedded in, but once they'd got it they're pretty good.

We'd survey a room and talk about what needed fixing - encouraged them to notice the jobs. Then step back and talk about how much better it was now it had had a good clear up.

They still need encouragement and support occasionally but it makes the house run a lot smoother.

Same.

Now in your current situation I'd take the approach of timing the ask, OP. Ask them to do something an hour before they are due to get a lift from you. Frame it like "can you do the washing up before I take you to meet X this afternoon."

Then it's as simple as waiting for them to be ready to go and saying "you know were not going til you've done the washing up".

Dock a quid for every huff if you like, but remember teen attitude and picking your battles.

Mine are 6 and 9. They get £5 per week only if they keep their rooms tidy all week. Put dirty clothes in washing basket (youngest isn’t so gd at this lol annd often has to be reminded) Eldest I ask her to put away her clean clothes, hang them up etc. Youngest can’t reach to put things away so I ask her to help me when the food shop gets delivered. She empties the crisps into the big bag and puts some things away for me. She actually loves helping around the house she often asks for a cloth or wipe when she sees me cleaning lol. Her big sister wld never entertain that 😆

I would think as they are a bit older they should be able to empty dishwasher or put the dishes away. Run a hoover around. Maybe even take out the recycling to the bins.

Sure, but I’m saying they should have had their own chores from a young age as well as having it instilled in them to tidy up after themselves.

I would frame it as you are growing up and becoming more capable. And as the sole adult it's the job of everyone in the household to pull their weight.

I think you absolutely should learn at this age you work for money. Your 12 YO is 4 years off her NI number where she presumably will be out working at 16?

Who pays you to do the laundry? Wash the dishes? Tidy up? Hoover?

Pardon? I do them things because I want to / have to.
my children will be helping out around the house in return for reddies £.

They can’t wait to do chores ( so they say! )

At 12, I had 2 jobs, one was peel potatoes for dinner vertually every day, then Sundays I had to clean the bathroom.

Ironing as soon as they start Secondary School. Put everyone's dirty coloured clothes in washing machine, put on wash and peg outside (both DCs). All washing up/stacking dishwasher and putting away. Laying the table with all required sauces etc. Tidying and cleaning room (including stripping bed). Dusting communal areas to their head height. Preparing vegetables for dinner, doing their own lunches for school and breakfasts.

Obviously not all tasks daily, but certainly their ironing, lunches and breakfasts.

I think sitting down when not rushing/annoyed and talking about the many things that have to happen to make the house function is a good idea. I was dished out chores that always felt like a punishment and it took until I was mid teens or older before I really understood that housework was all of our responsibility and it was fair that I took a part in it. I could have done with that spelling out when I was 10 or younger tbh. Yes it’s obvious in retrospect 🤪

And then if you all brainstorm a list of household chores you may find there are some they’d prefer to do. Eg emptying the dishwasher, hoovering, clearing and wiping surfaces etc. I’d assign that task for the week and swap each week.

They’re old enough to be taking on some more adult jobs too so maybe each one is your sous chef one night a week working up to them cooking a whole meal each week by the time they’re 13 or so.

On top of having a regular task for that week I’d make sure each kid does stuff that’s just for them too eg puts away clean laundry, clears out lunchbox, puts away coats and shoes etc. I’m a big fan of a housework BLAST say on a Sat morning where loud music goes on for an hour and everyone is busy and then it’s done and you can relax or go out, watch tV or whatever.

At this age we would all do chores for 20 or 30 minutes at the same time. They had a choice, vacuum or dust. One did down stairs, the other did up stairs. I would clean the bathroom.

Most rooms were than tidy with all all mucking in together. Then sit down with a coffee and a biscuit to chill

In addition they made their bed every day, put dirty clothes in wash basket and put clean clothes away. I would help the younger one They would set the dinner table, clear away, load and unload the dishwasher. Again I would help the younger one.

By year 9 DC were doing DofE at school and for their 'skill' would cook dinner once a week for all of us. That might I would set table and do.the dishwasher.

It learning independence for them and then pulling their weight when we work full.time too and spend spare time driving them to clubs.

So you don’t value the importance of intrinsic motivation?

OP I can hear the frazzledness in your post - the last 12 years must have been exhausting especially being a single mum. 💐 It sounds like you really are doing more or less everything to keep the show on the road.

Our boys are 12, 10 and 10. There are three main blocks of responsibilities in our house that they deal with.

1. Catcare - remove ordure from the trays several times a day and take to the bin. Feed cats. Brush cats every now and again.
2. Dishwasher & dishes - clear table after meals, wipe down table •properly• with hot cloth and spray. Load and unload dishwasher.
3. Bins. Empty food bin, general waste bin, plastic / tin bin, paper bin, cardboard bin as needed and remove loose glass.

One of these three is allocated to each boy and it rotates each month. They know that 1, 2 or 3 is solely their responsibility for that month, so this stops them saying, ‘But I did the cat tray LAST time’. (They know the reply would be ‘It’s your time for a whole month matey, get cracking’)

They don’t get paid for doing it - both DH and I feel so strongly about this. We’ve always got an eye in the future and are trying to raise good MEN. What happens when they’re older and maybe living with a girlfriend or boyfriend? Nobody is going to be paying them to look after their own environment. This idea that there has to be some financial reward for simply playing your part in keeping the home running is anathema to me.

Five of us live in the house and running it includes tasks that we need to shoulder collectively, in the interests of fairness and generally being a fully-functioning member of society. If you want to live in a nice environment, you need to contribute to creating that nice environment.

Which brings me to my next point - we want the boys to develop a sense of responsibility, so they are not called chores here, but responsibilities. The character development aspect of it means they are being encouraged to think more widely than just being consumers.

Agree with posters that have said it is going to be a challenge starting a proper tasking arrangement now with your kids, OP. Our boys have been expected to pitch in and help since age 3, and they are aware resistance is futile. But it’s not impossible to get to a better place with it all.

I reckon fully 60% of parenting is saying the same thing over and over again. So in your position I would be reiterating what they need to do, and if they complain, the reason behind it - I’m not here to be your friend, I’m here to raise you to being a decent adult, so get on with X please. And if you meet absolute refusal, you outline the consequences - there will be no telly / WiFi / whatever until such time as these responsibilities are met.

I should add that this isn’t a perfect system and often feels like pushing a boulder up a hill. Our boys DO need reminding - they aren’t oppressed robots - we don’t abandon them to these tasks and will help them on occasion.

For context, DH and I work 5 days and 6 days a week respectively and do all the other stuff around the house, in case it sounds like we are kicking back peeling grapes for each other while our exploited babies toil 😏

Then why are they waiting? If they're old enough to say they can't wait to do chores, they're old enough to be helping?

Absolutely you work for money as an adult . Just not for keeping your own environment clean and tidy. That comes on top of the work you do for money. More’s the pity.

They should have had chores to do from about age 6 - you've left it very late.

I wouldn't link it to their pocket money either - they have to contribute because it's their home and that's life.

So there are two types of chores
-things you do as you go along such as tidy up the lounge if you leave it in a mess, take your used cutlery crockers to the dishwasher/sink etc

-"weekly" jobs such as hoovering, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen etc.

The first type you'll have to work hard to instill since you've left it so late, but basically remind them every single time.

The second type, I would simply allocate jobs. We used to have time on a Sunday morning where everyone did jobs, but you could also say "I expect you to do x; it needs to be done before you go to bed on Sunday" so you are not enforcing a time the job is done.

Yes, they will moan at first. But they live in this house (I wouldn't link it to money; these are basic expecations of living there) and if they want to get "nice things" whether that's lifts or trips out, or extras that aren't part of the basics you would provide anyway as their parent, then they need to pull their weight.