Do you just accept or decline invitations from family or do you ask if you can bring someone or have a conversation about occasion?

[demesneDame]

I am genuinely interested in how families roll with this.

If your child/sibling invited you to their house, not necessarily for an occasion but a Bank Holiday or around Christmas or Easter do you just simply accept or decline?

Or would you say for example Granny will be with us.
Or can I bring my partner?
Or can my partner bring their child?
Or simply ring asking if they can help with something/bring something?

Remember this is your child/sibling so someone you are close to.

I'm very the more the merrier but if I'm cooking I need to know in advance , we had this recently with PIL they turned up with DHs aunt and adult cousin, lovely to see them, but what do you expect me to do when I've bought salmon fillets for dinner for those I was expecting, and on a Sunday afternoon when there was no chance of getting more. They just say oh it's fine they don't mind not eating, but that's so rude to me for us to sit down to a meal while they wait for us to finish. If you are inviting extras on the day and expect them to be fed YABU

It was just a suggestion tbh. And it depends on the exact ‘sibling or child’ relationship - OP wasn’t clear at that point and as it happens it was a SiL. I wasn’t being deadly literal.

I don’t have a sibling or child called Joanne either.

Anyway it’s the last minute nature of the requests that are the issue, not my made-up etiquette.

If its family and an informal/casual event of the type you mentioned in the OP do you not simply pick up the phone (or text if you are under 35) and say “sounds great, will have Gran staying is that OK?” or “DC1 at event but may join later is that ok?” or similar? On the receiving end (as someone who does a lot of these) that lets me ensure sufficient catering but they and I know that the odd unplanned extra is easy to accommodate.

If its a pageant of life event with a formal invite from family then I wouldn’t assume they have space so would check informally regarding visiting Gran or otherwise engaged child, the respond formally based on whatever worked for them. Even then, the only events where a minor change in numbers can be a problem is a formal wedding reception.

So was this a pageant of life event (a memorial) or a casual get together?

If I invited my in laws round for the day, and then they turned up at the door with MIL's sister, I'd be a bit put out. I'd be a bit put out if they rang in advance to ask if Aunty Jean could come to, but would be more accommodating.

Children are a bit different, but we invited MIL on a dog walk the other day and was a bit annoyed when she turned up with DNiece and her dog - but that was mostly because two dogs is a different dynamic.

It would be a bit annoying if you said your child wasn't coming then decided they were and then asked me to cater for them 3 hours after everyone else had lunch (when I'd be expecting people to be leaving, not more people to be arriving) - but I would assume your children and husband come with you when inviting you so the only actual annoying thing would be you asking for a sandwich.

But in summary, an invite to one person is not an open invite to every man and their dog in the extended family in my books. It is an invite to that person, their partner and children though.

The invitations are never to ‘you’, the invitations always say who is invited by name. Demesne, DemesneDH and Demesnes1,2,&3.

When they had a 1’o’clock lunch invitation we only accepted for us and kids 2&3.

I have to accept that some of you think I was a CF thinking that DH could collect our eldest 3 hours later and ask to make a sandwich for him in my own brother’s house. It would be a complete non event in my house for anyone let alone my nephew.

Someone said SiL can’t say no! She most certainly can and does!

Family consists of

Parents

DB1 two kids late secondary and early uni, partner of five years and her early teen daughter. He made the mistake of taking partner’s daughter to DB2’s eldest’s christening. Food on buffet was groaning and SiL’s mother came over and actually asked her who she was. DB2 told DB1 they weren’t expecting this child who was eight or nine at the time. DB1 tried to get his kids to leave early but they refused. Every time since when they have asked if she could come they have been refused.

Sister is a single parent by choice. Child mid-teen. Widowed partner with elder teen. They will never marry and if new legislation happens won’t even live together but they have been together for three years. Partner and child never invited and When asked always refused.

On the occasion when both of our grannies were with our parents they were included.

My mother obviously overheard a conversation but someone has said we shouldn’t make assumptions we should have a conversation.

We never make assumptions that is why we ask. The answer is always no. I imagine they would say there is no need for a conversation , you just accept or decline.

Not counting when my son was brought along after a lunch no extra guests are brought.

Anyone else struggling to understand what child/sibling means in this scenario? Is the OPs Mum’s child, and the OPs sibling? Strange way to put it.

Honestly I think everyone is a bit unreasonable in this.

I can’t imagine a young family member arriving later on during an event I’m hosting and not offering them something, even if it’s just a sandwich. He’ll have been shattered and probably starving coming from DofE.

Equally I can’t imagine replying to that invite and not explaining we’d have to pop out to pick up DS a bit later, and could he possibly have something when he arrives. In no way would that be an issue if I was the host. This is family remember.

Hangers on are are a different kettle of fish. Random new partners and their offspring I would absolutely expect to be asked about anyone who doesn’t normally live with the family being invited.

Hold the phone. One of the family members bought someone extra to a christening without checking? That’s only one step removed from bringing an uninvited guest to a wedding.

In my family bringing other people / making extras welcome/ organising food for late comers etc would be absolutely welcome. In my partners family not at all, if they’re honest they’d really prefer every occasion to just be the nuclear family plus grandchildren, and everyone else is made to feel like an annoyance. Then they whine that they don’t get invited anywhere… just different families I guess. Our house / hosting is very much the former and partner prefers it this way too

Re the DS after DofE, I'd probably have offered him a shower alongside a sandwich. In what universe is getting a kid a sandwich an issue?

Five years ago DB1, his two kids and his partner were invited to a post Christening buffet. DB1 brought his stepchild as well., it never occurred to any of us that permission would have to be asked from a sibling for this.

I would always ask. My family know they can say no and I won't mind.

In the circumstances you describe, we would function like you.
No way I’d say that a step child isn’t invited for example.
Or that it’s an issue to come and pick up another child involved in whatever activity.
The reaction would rather be: ‘oh great we’ll get to see <insert child’s name>’

Same with new partners etc….

Now I get that you might want to plan the number of people re food.
But youll find food fir an 7yo at a buffet.
You will find a sandwich for a hungry teenager.

The way your SIL ‘functions’ sounds bonkers to me,

Two weeks ago we were at a saddish/happyish occasion to remember a deceased elderly member of my dad’s family.

I wouldn't bring anyone who wasn't invited, to this kind of event. If the extra person was a knew the deceased relative well and was immediate family to the invite, a query on receiving the invitation would be okay IMO. But last minute or no notice would be inappropriate.

From what I gather brother and SiL don’t see any need for any asks or conversations. You accept, or decline completely rather than ask for a partner and their child to be included.

Yay but then would you

• refuse to feed an 8yo child?
• still hold a grudge that you never invite that child ever again - as if it was somehow their fault?

I agree we would mention it (oh dh will have his dd with him that weekend. Or dc1 will finish his DoE and will join us after 1.00pm. Dh will pick him up)
But no one would expect 1- written invitation, 2- named invitation, 3- excluding step children

People are getting confused. My mother found my SiL’s and presumably brother’s views, as she overheard a conversation at an extended family function to which we were all invited.

And guys, I mean they type out and print invitations, I don’t get angst about my saying word process, did people not get what I meant?

Okay, having read your update, the refusers are batshit.

In my previous post I was focusing on the type of event and the extra guests being last minute. But there's way more background to this. I don't cope well with last minute changes when I'm hosting* but that's not the situation here.

• I do recognise that that's a 'me' thing due to catering stress though. I'd be perfectly hospitable and pleasant to the unexpected guest.

It never, ever entered my head to leave with my husband and two kids in order to collect my eldest.

I can guarantee that if someone stated that their partner/stepchild/houseguest would be joining the they would reply that they couldn’t be accommodated.

My mother, sister and I are upset that we are thought of as fuckers and hard work by a family member.

A memorial is not typically a “the more the merrier” situation.

asking what you can bring should not be done in the day of the event. That is just rude in any scenario. The host is busy, plan ahead.

Word processor / computer program / application are all the same thing and people know it. People have being using “Word” for almost the entirely of the home computer revolution. The phrases surrounding it changing are all a bit silly.

This was an event in a hired venue and presumably the food all had to be prepared and bought in by either family or a caterer. In those circumstances it is very rude behaviour to mess the host around by asking for any extra people to be included or to turn up with an extra child who needs food. Why couldn’t you all have left together after lunch to collect your DS and feed him at home?

The memorial was the occasion we found out what SiL thought . We were all invited. It is irrelevant to my post which deals with etiquette and inclusion or lack of when Brother and SiL entertains.

It’s rude and disrespectful to call on the day of an event and ask to bring more people.

All this cannot be over one sandwich.

It’s the other late changes surely, and the frequency?

If they bother to print invites with names, then obviously the people on the invites are the ones invited, not anybody else. It can’t get any clearer than that.

Now that you know all this, it’s very clear that in the future you simply accept or decline their invitations. Hopefully, they won’t get offended if you decline.