Do you just accept or decline invitations from family or do you ask if you can bring someone or have a conversation about occasion?

[demesneDame]

I am genuinely interested in how families roll with this.

If your child/sibling invited you to their house, not necessarily for an occasion but a Bank Holiday or around Christmas or Easter do you just simply accept or decline?

Or would you say for example Granny will be with us.
Or can I bring my partner?
Or can my partner bring their child?
Or simply ring asking if they can help with something/bring something?

Remember this is your child/sibling so someone you are close to.

On Sil's side here.

It's one thing a couple of weeks before saying, as someone did upthread, "bil is staying that week, do you mind if they come too, otherwise dp will stay at home with them" compared to phoning on the morning and asking to bring more people.
I suspect they're doing written invites to try and hint that it should be just the people invited.

Your dh fetching his child and then asking for a sandwich is definitely cheeky unless you'd okayed that before. They've done lunch for you all, relaxing then there you are asking to make food for someone who wasn't meant to be there?
You should have either all popped off at 4 with a cheerful "must go now - we have to pick up dc" or let them know beforehand "we've got to pick dc up at 4, but dh will do that and then be back". And if they needed food you should have picked up a meal deal on the way.

It sounds like that sort of thing happens regularly so not just a one off where you might roll your eyes and assume arrangements got mixed up.

Im pretty laid back but it sounds like its not a one off situation that you're bringing extra randoms with you

So if they invite you say “sorry we have granny over that day” or “sdc is here is that a problem to bring home” ringing and asking if you can bring anything is totally normal

Agree with your SIL. If you are doing the hosting @demesneDame you can have all the open doors for anyone to come without an invite, when someone else is inviting you don't add to their guest list for them. Decline if you don't want to go without the newish partner and their kid.

Our family has an open door for some things such as some snacks are provided at a party everyone brings their own drinks or strict invite only for others such as lunch or dinner.

I would assume partner was invited.
I would ask about partner’s child but expect the invitation to be extended.
Similarly, I would let them know if I had Granny staying with me, but expect the invitation to be extended.
I would not normally feel the need for a conversation about it otherwise.

I would assume my husband and kids were invited to things like Christmas/Easter/BBQ/ birthday. They’re my family and my sisters brother in law and nephews/nieces. But we are family - if it was my mums new boyfriend I’d expect her to check if he was invited.

Who on earth uses a word processor in this day and age. They went out with the last century surely?

anyway no,you don’t just invite lots of people, or bring people uninvited on the day. If you wish to bring others phone or text well in advance, and say I can’t make it, I will bf with x and y. If you wish to invite them just say if not, maybe next time. Or you go alone. But you don’t ask to bring lots of extras each time

Perfect. X

No, ‘she said something like then on the day when you’re cooking, the phone calls start’ according to you.

That is pretty annoying tbf.

They are applications not processors

Team SIL

I’m wondering if the word processed invitations with names on are an attempt to try and stop unexpected guests, due to prior experiences

In my family there wouldn't need to be a question about partners or children coming, they'd automatically be included in the invite so it would just be accept or decline.

Just decline in future. It's not nice to be thought of as 'flipping hard work' by anyone. So don't go, then you're no work at all.

It's a classic mismatch of assumptions. Doesn't anyone just talk to one another, you know rather than making assumptions just ask.

Mind you I never made it invites sent to my parents despite living alone for 13 years at that point. And my family are weird a close relative married abroad and had a party on return I had to ask to meet the spouse just before I left the party. But I'm still classed as the weird one.

It sounds like a difference in expectations; either SIL has been treating the family's (many) requests as demands and not saying a very reasonable "no" whenever appropriate or your brother has been accommodating family requests without checking with SIL. Either way, her annoyance at individual instances has snowballed into major frustration. And if she's accurate that these extra people are being added at the last minute rather than as part of the conversation when accepting or declining the invitation, she has a point.

For me personally, I'd not ask to bring an uninvited guest as a matter of course BUT I might explain why I couldn't go if it were purely logistical (Granny is staying with me that week and I can't leave her alone). That is not intended to force an invite for Granny, just to explain why I declined although it also gives the host a chance to say "oh, bring Granny!" if they'd like to see her/don't mind. I'd do this as soon as possible after receiving the invitation. If plans change last minute and Granny's with me on the day due to an emergency, I'd tell the host this and again if the host said bring her then great, if not no problem but at least they know why I changed plans last minute. These would be rare exceptions, though, not every time I was invited somewhere!!

I think that is a bit crazy but now you know this about your SIL you can decide when she invites you places she just means you and you can either say yes for just you, or no if you are with others/ “sorry SIL I have partner and kid here today so won’t be able to make it”. then she can say “oh bring them too” or “that’s too bad see you next time”

It would generally be obvious if the invitation was for us as a family or me as an individual. If it’s at Christmas or Easter or my birthday, yes, it would always be for us as a family. Generally, we don’t really see family except as a unit (none of us like each other that much 😂). If it was, say, friends though, we do make it clear if we want to get together with the kids or we want to just have adult time to chat. It’s fine to clarify who is invited. It’s rude to ask to bring extra people or turn up with them last minute.

My family is like yours - big family and all very casual. We'll get a text invite generally and a couple of days before it tends to be the host confirms numbers with a casual 'how many do you reckon from your side?' .e.g. we are a family of 4 but 2 adults 2 teens so work shift patterns etc means this often changes. I may sometimes respond with 'think it will be 3 of us but if DS shift finishes early he may pop in for a bit'. That would be absolutely fine. If he turned up at 4pm after the 1pm lunch as in your example, then generally he would be offered a plate from what was leftover. No issues. It would also be a case of 'host, can I bring anything on Saturday' - 'yes please, sibling 1 could you bring a pudding, sibling 2 can you bring a salad etc etc'. This is really normal for us, I didn't realise this was considered strange!

I think it’s the late notice.

‘she said something like then on the day when you’re cooking, the phone calls start’

From the OP ^^

Word processor! I haven't seen that term since the late 80's. Anyway, I would always ask the host if I could bring another "fucker" with me, but prepared to accept that this might be impractical.

If I am hosting I need to know how many people Im feeding, additional people at short notice is a pain. However my mother will feed anyone who comes in the door and there is never an issue. So its all in personal hosting styles really.

in My family it would be a very unusual event that required a typed invitation. - A big party or a wedding might have a fancy invitation but otherwise it would be on a group chat. I would definitely ask if I could bring my partner/step child/dessert/salads etc. Most of our gatherings are informal, everyone is welcome type events.

if SIL is in the habit of inviting specific people, then you phone and want to add others, that irritates her so don't do it now you know.

tbh i would be annoyed too if you said "yes me, DH and one DS are coming" then half way through you go "just off to get the other DS, pls make a sandwich"

It's a pity your mum overheard, but that's what happens sometimes.

It all sounds a bit formal tbh. We have a family group WhatsApp chat that has my parents, siblings, a few of the partners and now adult children. Invites will normally go out on there and collect a bunch of ‘sorry we can’t make it’ or ‘cool, see you there!’ replies. Smaller catch ups are normally arranged over text or in person