Husband going away vs me going away.

[WhereTheFuckAreMyWingsRoy]

Husband and I both work similar hours.
2 children still living at home, one in 20s, one 16. 2 dogs.

Husband has run through some dates with me when he wants to go away.
My response? “Yes that’s fine” (I suppose if those dates weren’t clear I would say no, not going to work).

I run through some dates with him.
His response?
”What about the dogs?”
”What about shopping?”
”What about Ds after school?” (The same Ds who lets himself in every day and occupies himself until we get home at around the same time?)
”I don’t want to have to take time off work so you can go away”
And so on and so on.

He’s an anxious sort, but honestly it takes the joy out of planning anything.

AIBU?

Your response

what about it?

I would just say to him "What do you think happens when you go away?" and then ignore him.

Exactly this.

CF! I’m annoyed for you.

Tell him that, I honestly think men need to hear it- sure you’re going away and I didn’t ask you all those questions?

or is it you do more? Because if it is that’s something that needs to be talked about but he also need to know how things are done- people say I went away and the house fell apart/ he couldn’t find where x or y was- men need to do these things to know where they are

Is he anxious or inept?

You just say 'you'll cope with them just as I do when you go away' and crack on with your planning. If he carries on wittering about it, go through the times when he is away asking all the same daft questions. He should grasp it after that!

This is the most pathetic thing I've heard in a while from a man - how can you bring yourself to have sex with this man child?

I go away usually once a year. My DH notes the dates in his calendar to make sure he's not travelling for work. And that's it. If there's anything special happening that he needs to remember I will tell him but there are no panicked questions with him pretending he can't handle his children and dog on his own.

Tell your DH that you can manage it when he goes away, why can't he manage it when you go away?

This exactly. He can go away without worrying, but you cannot? He needs to work on his anxiety. I would not very doing everything in advance before u go away to facilitate him being at home.

What was his response when you asked how he thought you’d cope when he went away?

Clamp down hard on this.

I used to travel for a week at a time for work, plenty of notice, all booked months in advance.

DH started that shit - "you didn't clean the house before you went away" was the one that finally sent me through the roof.

I asked him what the fuck he did for me before he deployed or went on training for work (military)?

He still doesn't fucking batch cook, pre-emptively clean, check I have toilet roll in the cupboard, top up the fridge or ask if I need anything to help me while he's away. He still doesn't organise dog care or arrange for anything else in that time. However he no longer thinks I'll do the same for him.

Lazy fucking men make me absolutely furious.

That's for you to sort, like I do when you go away.

Repeat as necessary.

How about 'not my problem, I won't be here' ?

You have had over 20 years to deal with this.

He isn’t going to change, and you have enabled his behaviour, by constantly answering these questions.

My response to DH if he asked anything like that “you are an Adult, I’m sure you can work it out”

Exactly this. Anxious my arse, he just doesn’t want to step up when you could be home doing it.

This screams “manchild” to me. Mummy’s going away, what shall I do?

I really hope you won’t get sucked into his ineptitude. It’ll be a great learning curve for him, just as you have had a learning curve over the years. You weren’t born knowing how to do stuff.

Make sure you Go Girl and turn your phone off whilst you’re away. Book it! Book it today! !

What do you say to him when he asks you those questions OP?

My dad would do this ALL the time... He wasn't anxious... Just lazy... And would make it as difficult as poss for my mum to be away

I'd say...

When you go away, I do it all.

When I go away, you need to do it all.

Fair is fair.

ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD in the future when he asks about going away I'd start saying, 'What about the kids, what about the dog, what about packed lunches?'. Hammer it home for him.

Do the same when tells you he's going away?

Can you clarify op if this happens over and over again? I’m not getting why, presuming you would use any of the phrases above the first time he said similar, why it would ever come up again?

“He’s an anxious sort…” sorry but that’s not anxiety when he states he doesn’t want to have to take time off so you can go away. I would have received a similar response with younger DC but at the time I didn’t work and there were circumstances that made our home set up what it was, but I was not blinded in anyway to the situation and have pushed back hard since those circumstances changed. This doesn’t just take the joy out of planning anything, I would be horrified & furious in your situation.

Also, a 16 year old in most situations (unless there’s additional needs involved) is more than capable of being home alone, including overnight and can also be responsible for a dog and shopping.

You're not his housekeeper. Present him with a fait accompli. Job done.

Anything of this kind gets a blank stare ‘ you’re a competent adult, I’m sure it’ll be fine’.