AIBU for being in a relationship at the moment?

[Amianarse]

NC but might keep it tbh.

Bit if backstory, I know I am hyper-independent always have been, childhood stuff, had a baby in my teens (my only now 16), worked my arse off, degree etc now in a very good job.

anyway, met a guy 4 yrs ok lovely, very homely, own business but not much ambition with it so earns ok money ticks along, likes to stay home watch tv etc. we now live together and he is grating on me.

he wants to do things with me all the time, lay on the sofa and watch a film, go back to bed and have a nap? Just be around me all the time, he arranges his work around my work, and recently I have taken on more work as I am saving for DD’s driving and uni and he is moping and moaning all the time about how I am always at work. And tbh, I don’t care, I feel suffocated by him. He goes on about sex etc which is ok to a point but then gets the hump if I don’t reciprocate. Have tried to explain I am at work, not horny, you are laying on the bed after a shower and ANOTHER early finish at work so might be horny.

He see’s it as a rejection.

We do have nice times, go away together etc but tbh i don’t have much more time for more than that. My focus is work, making money and spending time with DD at the moment (about to embark on a PhD hopefully).

I am also aware that in a few years DD will go to uni and I will have more time for a relationship.

He is a nice guy, but just pissed off with his neediness tbh but then I also think he has every right to want a ‘proper’ relationship.

what should I do?

you don’t sound like you want to be with him, it sounds like you’re staying out of habit. If you don’t want to be with him, just end things.

He sounds a bit boring and a drag on your energy. You have every right to a 'proper' fulfilling relationship too. You could investigate what this is and more with therapy if you haven't already. Sounds like you have done fantastically well for yourself though, congrats

I just feel bad, he is a good guy, but clearly wants to ‘settle down’ whereas my life is 100mph at this time.

Equally, I don’t want to throw away a good relationship now when in a couple of years I will have a bit more time

He absolutely doesn’t have the same drive or work ethic as me, didn’t realise that could be so important in a relationship tbh

That amount of neediness would drive me insane !

He sounds like a right pain in the arse.

Did he move into your house? Life is too short to share a house and a bed with someone who is irritating you and making you feel suffocated.

The thing is, once your DD is off your hands, you will probably have more time and energy to go out and do things and make the most of life, but he will still want to stay home and have all your attention (and sex). You don't really sound compatible, so I would end it now rather than letting it drag on.

I was in a very similar position a few years ago and did end the relationship, and the feeling of relief was indescribable. I am now a very happy empty-nester in a long-distance relationship and the space and freedom to be myself, without a clingy bloke wanting all my attention.

Omg, your life now sounds like my dream!

DP did actually say to me the other day, I don’t know why I moved in you preferred just meeting up once a week - and it’s true!

I have made it clear that when DD goes to uni, I want holidays, trips away, get back in the gym etc he agrees but I do worry that he would be happy without that tbh and just ‘chilling’ - never thought I’d get the ick for that word 🤣

I don't think his expectations of a live in relationship sound particularly exceptional, it's just that they don't align with yours op.

You don't sound compatible, he clearly likes a quiet life and you're much more go getting, no one is wrong, just not right for each other.

In a couple of more years you will still want to be doing stuff... Sounds like your personality.... He doesn't sound like it's his...
Think you're just not v compatible... And that's unlikely to change! I would finush now to maximise time with your dd and focus now..

Although invest in yourself and friends/social networks too as you will need that once she's moving on...
Have really seen people i know struggle once the DC move on if their focus has just been work+dc..

I don't think you're compatible. A man like that would grate on me, he'd be great for one of my friends who is a homebody, but I like someone with a lot of get up and go, not someone who just wants to laze around.

You don't sound compatible and it doesn't sound like you make each other happy. How you feel isn't going to change, you'll just resent him more and more.

Eurgh, neediness/clingyness in a man is so off putting! An ex of mine was like that and the relationship didn’t last long

Think your expectations ar not matched with his and it will get worse when you give up work. Can he afford to do things as it sounds like he is always cutting off work?

No - he sounds really clingy to me.

Wanting to go back to bed and nap, arranging his work life around OP's so he's with her as much as possible - eurgh. It makes me feel claustrophobic and it's not even my relationship!

I agree with the majority on here. You don’t seem to be at the same place in your lives at all. I had dc relatively young (early 20s) and also went back to uni and got a good degree etc, I imagine you’re still only early to mid 30s and I remember when I was that age and I’d finished studying, was enjoying life etc, even tho my dc was still a bit younger than yours, and I loved living my life and a suffocating relationship would’ve been awful at that stage. I did have a couple of mid-length relationships in my 30s but they were fun and it was pretty much all I wanted tbh. I’ve now been in a ltr for 15+ years and life has changed for me, unfortunately (nothing to do with relationship!), but I still like my independence to a degree.
I think you’re at a stage where you need to make this decision, because how you feel now will on,y intensify when your daughter goes off to uni/leaves home. You’re not suddenly going to change and you will want to do even more things with your time that you enjoy. It’s a whole new stage of life when your children become independent adults, and especially having a child young you’ll still be young! I honestly think you have nothing to lose by having a very honest conversation with your partner. It’ll be really difficult, and he may be avoidant and not want to talk about things like this, but I think you know in your heart that this isn’t right for you. Not right now, anyway. If you still want to have a relationship in a few years then you can look to find one then, but ultimately it just sounds like you’re too different and, to be blunt, once your daughter moves out his suffocation will on,y get worse. Instead of moaning that you spend too much time at work/with daughter, he’ll be wanting even more of your time and he just won’t “get” why you’re not spending even more time with him. It’s not an easy thing to do, but don’t settle because this will only get worse.

Oh I feel for you. My DH is retired and I work 45 hours a week, look after my parents and have one DS with health issues. He expects every bit of my free time to be “us time” when I want to sleep or have a long shower (on my own)!!!

Does he have his own hobbies and interests he goes off to do? Sounds like you have different energy levels and aren’t compatible. It also sounds like he’s not your cheerleader for all the amazing things you have done and are doing. You could find someone who values your independence and drive and loves that about you. Where you can both go off and do your stuff then enjoy coming together and talking about it.

I have second hand annoyance that he thinks that he gets to decide how you should spend your time. If he wanted to spend time with you so much, he would be talking about things that you also enjoy. But no, ‘spending time together’ has steadily translated to having a shag and a nap, and somehow he’s made you the bad guy for this not necessarily being your preference.

I got my arse handed to me for this a while ago but I know what you mean.

My partner who I don't live with is like that. He has very little drive or ambition or career plan. I'm disappointed that he's quite recently left a very good job and taken one, which is such a downgrade in terms of skill it's a fall off Mount Everest.

I'm worried that he'll lose his skills working in such a basic job in his field and it isn't even much more money.

One thing I would never do is leave a job for a lower skilled one. I would always want it to be an improvement or at least a sideways move.

I also have strong reason to believe this job has no longevity.And also, it's a newly created role. So it's untested. The company is doing just well without his role.Existing so I won't go into how I know this because it's outing.

Anyway, I got my arse handed to me both on here.And by my partner.So i've said nil about it, and i'm just waiting for it to go wrong.

I do find it difficult to accept that he has no drive or ambition and is just happy to take whatever job even if it isn't as good as the one he's got. He just slides by doesn't put much effort into his life. Finds everything difficult when he's a single guy with no children and fully supportive parents still very much alive and in good health.

I feel bad for saying it, but I can't help the way I feel.

Well you are living together. Sounds like you shouldnt be.

Thank you for your detailed reply.

I do like spending time with him, we go away, go to gigs, have lunch etc we share similar hobbies playing musical instruments etc but it’s very draining to have every second of my month mapped out!

He genuinely thinks I should WANT to spend all my free time with him because that’s what he wants.

we spend most evenings together watching tv, playing music but apparently this doesn’t count as its ’standard’ To spend time with your partner of an evening.!!

I think we are at different stages of life. He is 42 and basically retired. I am still climbing the career ladder, full time parenting, trying to se friends, and having experiences (some of which I have missed out on since having a baby so young)

he does have hobbies, he loves fishing and does do over nights…but only the nights I am on call for work 🥲

You like dating!

Why did he move in?

I suppose natural progression of the relationship, plus he seemed busier when we were not living together, he did more by himself, now he wants me there to do things, like he won’t get his hobbies out unless I am there to play with him too as he ‘doesn’t see the point’