That this a divorce-worthy holiday.

[OffWith]

Name changed because this is definitely going to be outing, and I know some of the relatives are on here, but I just don't fucking care anymore.

We are short of money at the moment so had to save all year for a week in the UK (two young dc, one with SEN) FIL passed away last year, so we invited MIL and my DM. We knew it may be one of the last group family holidays we may have.

From the start I had a feeling that I had made a mistake. MIL started insisting on a certain seaside location. Saying we would all love it and it would mean so much to her. It isn't what we would usually choose as we usually like walks and exploring moors, forest, beaches and caves, but she was so insistent that we gave in. It has lots of shops/pubs/restaurants but not much for children (we figured we could drive out and explore nearby places).

We go home in three days. The disasters that have occured so far:

1. BIL and awful wife SIL showed up as a 'surprise' when we arrived. I had a sinking feeling as MIL had dropped a few hints but I thought she couldn't be serious. That was fun to deal with, and by 'deal' with, I mean realise I have a spineless DH problem because I was not backed up. They expected the holiday to stop revolving around the dc and start being about sitting in cafes and pubs with them.

2. My dd had an emergency that required an a&e trip and a few hours in hospital. I feel guilty that the one hour drive there and back, and the a&e stay, felt so relaxing compared to the rest of the holiday.

3. MIL suddenly insisted she needed to be pushed about in a wheelchair and couldn't possibly go anywhere without one. She did mention having a 'poorly leg' so I offered to book her a scooter a month before the holiday. She insisted she didn't need one. Took days to hire one as they were all to be booked in advance.

4. Aforementioned shitty BIL started calling MIL and telling her that we were so rude (the one mercy is they were in different accomodation), that no one had made any special effort to welcome him or make a fuss of his birthday (that he had already recieved gifts for), invite him to our apartment, or involve him on day trips (I offered one, he refused as that was for just 'kids').

This caused an almighty row when I finally snapped at MIL when she was weeping over how we had ' not treated' her son.

MIL, BIL and DH are all friends again now. It is just me that is the problem for not getting in line apparently.

Even with all the effort I could muster dc have picked up on an atmosphere, and though they've tried, I can tell they have not enjoyed it and are disappointed.

I am apoplectic. Those immature, narcissistic bellends have ruined what may have been the last holiday I have with my DM and the children. And I know damn well that when we are back home, MIL will expect me to become her personal assistant without complaint again. And expect me to take her on holiday again, not sure she realises yet that hell will have to freeze over first.

And spineless DH will expect me to fall in line, forget they've completely ruined our ONE family holiday and roll over with my belly up like he does. In his eyes, he couldn't be annoyed his brother showed up unannounced, and his shit stirring mother making everything about her and the golden child is just a 'caring mum' getting involved and upset.

AIBU to be seriously, and I mean seriously considering divorce just to get away from having to deal with these people anymore? Written down I know it doesn't look like much, but the level of stress every single day this week is hard to get across!

You need to learn to say no or ignore other people's expectations. I bet you knew exactly what would happen, It started when you changed your plans to do something you didn't want to.

And MIL can expect anything she likes. I'd treat her as though she doesn't exist.

Sounds very difficult. Stop worrying about what you are "expected" to do. Do what you want. Let DH deal with the consequences

I would be seriously considering divorce too, tbh. People showing up to "surprise" you on your holiday is an absolute nightmare. Even if you like those people.

Take your DC and your DM off somewhere and leave everyone else to it every day until you go home. And never do this again. If your DH wants to holiday with his family, he can do it alone.

The holiday sounds awful, and I completely my understanding your rage. Your husband absolutely should have backed you, and it isn’t fair he hasn’t.

Whether or not you want to consider divorce depends entirely upon the rest of your relationship. If it is a loving one and you want to make it work, a discussion when you get home or even now may be the way forward.

There is however, nothing to stop you putting boundaries in place with your MIL is she expects you to be her assistant.

Sounds like hell on wheels tbhe. I would just holiday with your mum and DC next time. Let hubby holiday with his own family

it sounds like it was hell and yes awful and ridiculous but I never get people saying dh is the problem, I wouldn’t want to fall out with my entire family either so I’d probably play peacemaker- it’s not spineless, and I hate people calling people that anyway. it’s not wanting all relationships to implode in the most spectacular fashion! And if you’re thinking about divorce then what, he could have fought with his family, been alienated and then have you leave him too? Why would you divorce him over other people? If you don’t like him or love him it’s a different thing. Sorry but I think Yabu

I have a similar MIL and I get it’s not just about this holiday, you are dealing with their shitty behaviour all the time and this holiday has just magnified it.

Id be having a serious chat with H. Stating you will NOT be his mother’s PA, you will NOT be complicit in ensuring everything resolves around his brother and mother and you expect him to put you and your dc first.

It is very difficult though because your H has grown up thinking this is all normal. My DH is the same and despite him not actually likening his mum at all and knowing his mother manipulates him to the detriment of me and our marriage, it’s taking him a long time to have the confidence to refuse her every request. We had a very serious conversation a couple of weeks ago where I told him I was ready to separate rather than have his mother dominate our lives. It’s very difficult but you have to put your foot down and say “No that doesn’t fit in with us, we aren’t doing it”.

I agree DH should be backing you up, but I also agree with pp that you need to be setting your own boundaries too. If you are really acting like her personal assistant then that's on you to say no!

I'd try telling all of them, aside from your DH who is a separate issue, to fuck off first. Block your Mil, she's not your mum and it sounds like she has sons who will run round after her even if she thinks one needs a vagina to be her PA.

I’m sorry you had a shitty holiday, even if, gently, you could have seen it coming. Don’t go with them again, in fact I probably wouldn’t engage with them again, that’s your (spineless) husbands job and problem. Just say No, don’t do admin for her, if your husband wants to step in then fine. Go as close to NC as you can and give No Fucks.

I love DH, I really do. But I find his lack of a backbone around his family infuriating. They can do and say the most unhinged things, upset me, and he will shrug his shoulders and say 'well, what can I do about it'.

I love my family too, but if any of them ever behaved like this DH wouldn't even have to get involved. I would be the one asking what on earth they were playing at and putting boundaries in place to protect our family.

Obviously, there is a back story. MIL and BIL have been awful before (I won't go in to it but some disgusting things were said to me after a late miscarriage early in our relationship) but MIL genuinely seemed to have mellowed as she aged, and hadn't brought any drama to our door for a few years.

But no, I genuinely never thought she'd just invite people on holiday without telling us, or do anything to upset the dc (she has been an awful person in the past, but never an awful grandmother).

Never mind your DH. You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do. Stop doing the wife work. Stop being the 'good' DIL. Stop caring what your MIL thinks about you. Stop being so passive.

MIL wants something from you, say no. This is much easier and cheaper than divorce. Much less painful.

I’ll be honest, just why invite parents and in laws (MIL) to family holidays ? Why does it need to include them? I’m amazed people do it. Going away with your own nuclear family can have its stresses, let alone inviting the whole fucking extended family.

She wouldn't be considering divorce if he ever backed her up. Is that not blindingly obvious to you?

Don’t do anything for mil or bil once home.

Let dh deal with them completely. Also no future holidays with them. Book the beach forest holidays your children enjoy.

Absolutely!

OP, kindly meant but you have to take responsibility for your part in all of this.

You tolerate it.
You chose to go on holiday.
You run around after an awful MIL.
You tolerate a husband thaat cares far more about his birth family that you or his children.

You need to look at all you do and tolerate.
They clearly expect you to eat shit and put up with it, because you always do.

You cannot change your husband, or his awful family.

Stop focusing on them.
Focus on you.

Your tolerance has allowed this holiday with your mother to be spoiled for you, your mother and your children.

Yes I would think divorce is reasonable.
I would refuse any further contact with his family.
I would tell him that I no longer want to be married to a weak man who doesn't care about me or his children.

You change YOU and the rest will follow.
Take responsibility for you, and things can get better.

Every poster whom has ever written that they dropped the rope and stepped away from awful family or in laws, state clearly that life improved immeasurably.

As soon as I read that you had invited your mum AND MIL to what became an extended family holiday I knew you'd be in for trouble.
YABU

Thank you.

I know I should have known something like this could happen again. It was easier to go with the flow and hope everything would be ok (we did actually go away once with both sets of parents a few years ago and it was nice!).

It will not happen again.

I read a line once (it’s too late for this holiday) and you will need to prepare your prop.

For the next situation “dear dh. What we have here is a binary situation. On the one hand, here is the card for a divorce lawyer. For you. On the other hand, we together will do the other thing. What do you choose to do”.

for now, take your Mum and kids and go out every day for fun things for you. not the in laws.

I don't think it's cause for divorce, not if you love each other....if you didn't that would be a different matter.

However, going forwards, have as little to do with your in-laws as possible; it can be done...I did it.
Let your husband take the kids to see their GM, you don't have to go, and you certainly don't have to be at her beck and call when you get home.
Make it 100% clear that you will NEVER go on holiday with her again.

Oh dear, yes holidays do absolutely heighten any and all tensions, and I completely understand your rage.

BUT, you've got 3 days left, do the things you wanted to do with the children, a breezy open invitation to anyone who would like to join (we're off to walk 10 miles of the SW coastal path and taking a picnic, will be leaving at 9am if you'd like to join us), but then do what you wanted to do.

And they can do what they want to do. And that's ok. As long as they don't then bitch about it.

I go on many group and family holidays (although I wouldn't ever go with ILs 😂), the key is to have time by yourselves in the day (but by all means, if everyone wants to do the same activity, great, but it shouldn't HAVE to happen), and come together in the evening over dinner. And DH needs to be on the same page as you.

What's also really interesting is that your DH is completely absent from any decision making in this story. You agreed to this holiday, you realised that it might have been a mistake, you offered to hire a scooter. He's almost completely absent in your OP
If you're going to divorce your DH, you should do so because he's checked out, not a partner to you, not taking any share of responsibilities. It sounds like it's much more than just him not being assertive to his mother.

But you had a hell of a lot more control of the situation than you chose to take.

MIL insisted on the destination. You could have said, "That's lovely, but it isn't suitable for our family, so we're going somewhere else," instead you capitulated and then resented MIL for getting what she wanted.

MIL had dropped hints that BIL and SIL were coming. Why not be direct when she hinted? "I hope you're not suggesting that Bob and kath are coming? Our invite was to you, not them"

BIL/SIL arrive. But you're passive. You don't need to include them or dance to their tune.

BIL complained that nobody made enough fuss of him, invited him over, or included him. You don't need to defend or justify yourself for not pandering to him. You could laugh at him, roll your eyes, take the piss for him being a man baby. His dissapointment isn't your problem, why do you fall into MILs trap here?

MIL said she didn't want a scooter. Fine, her choice, not going places would be the consequence of that poor choice. Why did you choose to accept responsibility and source/push her wheelchair?

You've given a list of examples where you chose to be MIL personal assistant on holiday. If MIL routinely expects you to organise, book, transport, accommodate and generally manage things for her, you have apparently been doing enough of it for MIL to reasonably expect it to continue. The solution isn't for her to change, it's for you to stop doing the things she doesn't want to do.

You appear to have expected DH to enforce boundaries, when you have none. You haven't jointly established any with him. You call him "spineless," but so are you. Your in laws sound pretty awful, your DH sounds absent, but you have taken no responsibility for your own actions or in actions either

I'm getting everything ready for a big beach day tomorrow with dc and dm.