That this a divorce-worthy holiday.

[OffWith]

Name changed because this is definitely going to be outing, and I know some of the relatives are on here, but I just don't fucking care anymore.

We are short of money at the moment so had to save all year for a week in the UK (two young dc, one with SEN) FIL passed away last year, so we invited MIL and my DM. We knew it may be one of the last group family holidays we may have.

From the start I had a feeling that I had made a mistake. MIL started insisting on a certain seaside location. Saying we would all love it and it would mean so much to her. It isn't what we would usually choose as we usually like walks and exploring moors, forest, beaches and caves, but she was so insistent that we gave in. It has lots of shops/pubs/restaurants but not much for children (we figured we could drive out and explore nearby places).

We go home in three days. The disasters that have occured so far:

1. BIL and awful wife SIL showed up as a 'surprise' when we arrived. I had a sinking feeling as MIL had dropped a few hints but I thought she couldn't be serious. That was fun to deal with, and by 'deal' with, I mean realise I have a spineless DH problem because I was not backed up. They expected the holiday to stop revolving around the dc and start being about sitting in cafes and pubs with them.

2. My dd had an emergency that required an a&e trip and a few hours in hospital. I feel guilty that the one hour drive there and back, and the a&e stay, felt so relaxing compared to the rest of the holiday.

3. MIL suddenly insisted she needed to be pushed about in a wheelchair and couldn't possibly go anywhere without one. She did mention having a 'poorly leg' so I offered to book her a scooter a month before the holiday. She insisted she didn't need one. Took days to hire one as they were all to be booked in advance.

4. Aforementioned shitty BIL started calling MIL and telling her that we were so rude (the one mercy is they were in different accomodation), that no one had made any special effort to welcome him or make a fuss of his birthday (that he had already recieved gifts for), invite him to our apartment, or involve him on day trips (I offered one, he refused as that was for just 'kids').

This caused an almighty row when I finally snapped at MIL when she was weeping over how we had ' not treated' her son.

MIL, BIL and DH are all friends again now. It is just me that is the problem for not getting in line apparently.

Even with all the effort I could muster dc have picked up on an atmosphere, and though they've tried, I can tell they have not enjoyed it and are disappointed.

I am apoplectic. Those immature, narcissistic bellends have ruined what may have been the last holiday I have with my DM and the children. And I know damn well that when we are back home, MIL will expect me to become her personal assistant without complaint again. And expect me to take her on holiday again, not sure she realises yet that hell will have to freeze over first.

And spineless DH will expect me to fall in line, forget they've completely ruined our ONE family holiday and roll over with my belly up like he does. In his eyes, he couldn't be annoyed his brother showed up unannounced, and his shit stirring mother making everything about her and the golden child is just a 'caring mum' getting involved and upset.

AIBU to be seriously, and I mean seriously considering divorce just to get away from having to deal with these people anymore? Written down I know it doesn't look like much, but the level of stress every single day this week is hard to get across!

Your first mistake was going on your main holiday with any extended family member. Long weekend yes. Main holiday hell no.

This is precisely why I refuse to go on holidays with any family other than those that live with me, whether mine or in-laws.

Start now
"The children could do with some fresh air / exercise / are very keen to go to the beach / forest etc, so I'm packing a picnic and taking them' and off you go with your Mum and your DH should he wish to come

"How lovely that BIL came along so that MIL can have a nice day with him while we take the kids to the cave"

Just politely but firmly lay down your OWN boundaries for yours and your DC's holidays.

Much better than going along with their nonsense while you seethe. And you owe it to your kids, really, because you messed with their holiday when you a) invited MIL and b) capitulated to her location

People pleasing affects other people. You (rightly) accuse your DH of being spineless in the face of his mother but unless you grow your own backbone and protect your Dc's holiday for the next 3 days you are as bad to them as he is to you.

When you get home have a calm de-brief with your DH. Tell him how it makes you feel - in a calm and direct manner.

It is absolutely understandable that you are furious with him right now - but in the long run it would be better to communicate how it makes you feel and ask him how it can be fixed - and you putting up with the ILs trampling every boundary is not the solution!!

Stop trying to 'make it nice' and going along with it all. Your MIL in particular has shown that trust and respect are not mutual.

After the big row this morning I am definitely done with 'playing nice'.

I do wish I had stood my ground sooner. I do feel 100% responsible for ruining the dc's one holiday. For the first few days I was half convinced I was being unreasonable, and really just hoping for no drama.

But I can see now that 'keeping the peace' is just not an option anymore. I really am done bending for his family. He can deal with them now.

I'm too old for this playground bull!

Yup, you can’t change dh’s reactions but you can change your own. Set boundaries, do your own thing.

They sound an absolute nightmare. Completely ignore them, set off early and have a lovely day with your kids tomorrow. It’s not too late to salvage what’s left and make some lovely memories with your mum and the kids!

Oh dear! Don't blame yourself. Make the most of the rest of the holiday and don't go on hols with MIL again. Your husband sounds very spineless and must take some of the blame for the awful time you've had? Your BIL sounds like a real drama llama too, why on earth were you supposed to make everything about him when he wasn't even expected to be there? What a load of unnecessary stress.

OP, "when we know better, we do better".

Well done on taking honest responsibility for your fxxk up.
You did fxxk up.
We all do at times!

You thought your awful in laws and husband would behave better, you were wrong and now you know.

Many of us have had variations in life where we hoped for better, were shat on AGAIN, and said no more. Ever.

This is where you are at.

Great advice above to absent yourself with your children and mother, and leave the waster husband to HIS family.

Don't ask any questions about them and their plans.
Just crack on with yours.
Be clear on making your plans and being out.

Get food out too if you can and bring back the makings of a sandwich later for yourselves.

Leave them to sort themselves out.
When you get home, mute your MIL or forward any texts/requests from her going forward to your husband.
Not your problem.

Years ago at a wedding my friend overheard her MIL critique her, her kind mother, her cooking, all to her sister.
She was very hurt.

She told her MIL the following morning what she had heard, how hurt she was.
Her MIL blustered and told her she was over reacting, misheard etc.
She wouldn't engage futher.
She was particularly hurt to hear her kind mother spoken about so bitchily.

She told her husband briefly what had happened and that going forward she would no longer be in any way involved.
His family, his business.

She remained pleasant and polite but she never visited, cooked or entertained her again.
Her husband visited his mother after that.
She apologised after about two years at another wedding and my friend accepted it.
But she didn't want to be around someone so two faced again.

Her husband was very very pissed off with his mother, particularly as it made his life more difficult, unsurprisingly 🙄.

But my friend never moved an inch.
She invested in her own family and was actually happy she knew where she stood, rather than deluding herself that her kindness was actually appreciated.

Please don't consider divorce

A LOT of sympathy to you OP.

If it makes you feel better I sometimes think about separation after a family holiday. It's always intense, stressful and when MIL is involved it's like I have double of my DH at his most testing.

But then we get home and life goes back to it's pleasant normal & it's forgotten quickly enough.

I agree his family are being unreasonable.and because there's been a communication breakdown there are good grounds for not having a shared holiday again.

Get through it, don't divorce over a holiday but keep in laws and his family at a minimum in general.

Really hope you can enjoy these last few days with your DC and DM. Maybe you'll feel better about the whole thing if you've taken charge of your holiday just a bit here at the end and your dc have had some nice days.

It's laughable he way the first response of so many MN posters is to shout DIVORCE...🙄
This is a family, kids love their dad, they love their gran, and most of all OP loves her husband.
The holiday sounds like a bloody nightmare, but as some have said, it can be salvaged, and lovely memories between the OP, her mum and the kids can still be made.

OP has every right to be annoyed at the way things have gone, and she knows she won't make the same mistake again. Trying to make other people happy can often backfire.

YABU - for tolerating this. But I think you’ve come to this realisation yourself 💐

You fucked up trying to be nice.
Now you know!

@OffWith
Explain to the kids for the back half.of the holiday they are having "yes" days amd can pick whatever nice thing they want to do..
have everything packed the night before - get out and stay out until 6/7 with your mum and the kids...
if the kids ask - you are having quality time woth your mum and dh is doing it with his family. Their activities are more for grownups and less fun...
If inlaws ask dh said he wanted quality time with you. Walk off and let him deal with it.

Say FA to in laws or your dh. Think "never complain, never explain".

When you get home do not do a thing for any of them.
Just obnoxious behaviour

divorce wouldnt be my first port of call but there would be "serious change"
I'd be insisting on couples therapy / therapy for him to gind a spine and I'd be 100% non contact with them for a good while.

You now know beyond all reasonable doubt that your DH's family can't be trusted and will take advantage of your good nature to get exactly what they want.

When you said this

'And I know damn well that when we are back home, MIL will expect me to become her personal assistant without complaint again.'

You know that this was the old you who thought that your MIL had changed for the better. You now know that it was all a lie so you are free to refuse to help her in any way, shape or form. Your BIL and his awful wife SIL can be her personal assistants.

All the time that you save by not helping your MIL will mean that you will have so much more time to devote to your mum.

I’m with you op. Never holiday or do anything with these vile people again

DH has booked a table for just us later (without BIL tagging along I hope) and DM has agreed to watch the dc for a couple of hours.

He has apologised, but I have also made it clear that just because I am no longer shouting does not mean I'm shoving it under the rug. I also did apologise for losing my temper, as being honest this was clearly a build up of issues.

He has to deal with his family from now on. I am not their personal assistant and they are no longer my problem.

Managing to be civil to MIL by just generally avoiding her and keeping conversations brief. It seems she is starting to realise she may have bitten off her own nose to spite her face.

Everything is packed and ready for DM and DC's trip to the beach.

That's how you do it.
Stop being nice or polite.
Stop behaving like what they think of you actually matters.
Your husband would love if you would STFU and brush his and his family's awful behaviour under the rug.

Far better to bring it up again and tell him they are not people you are prepared to be around, and increasingly it is changing how you view him too.
Nothing quite like a man being told you no longer see him in a great light.

My bff of 50 years is married 38 years, and her FIL was a difficult rude prick.
She is too kind and tolerant, particularly pre menopause.
Not so much any more!
Every Christmas she tolerated his bombastic superiority, bragging about his wealth and ignorant views.

One year she knew she was done and she told her husband after the holidays, never again.
She didn't like his father, and increasingly after every visit all she could see when she looked at him, was his father.
She said I honestly don't know if we will see retirement together, as I'm not sure about how I feel about you and us.

He had spent 20 years apologising and explaining away his father's behaviour, but when it looked like it was going to bite HIM on the arse, it focused his mind.

The following autumn he told his father that he would, after 20 years of coming to his home, go to one of his other two brothers familys for the Christmas holidays.

He told his brothers exactly the same.
Both the brothers did exactly one Christmas each, and their wives told them it was NEVER to be repeated.

My lovely friend realised she had been a doormat.

Harold never crossed her door again and her husband organised with his brothers a rota of Christmas dinners to be dropped to him until he too loudly broadcast that only one of his DIL could actually cook and the other two needed lessons.
Dinners then ceased too.

He's in a nursing home now, mind gone, healthy as a horse at 95, eating 3 full meals a day, spouting his increasingly extremist views.

Make it clear to your husband, his mother is his issue going forward and you are done.
Don't be used any more.
Focus on your mum.

The firmer you are, the more you make clear YOUR non negotiables, that YOU are done.
The better your chance of your weak excuse of a husband copping himself on, through pure self interest.

I voted you are being unreasonable simply because divorce is an overreaction and there are steps you can take first. You can’t change anyone else but you can change YOU.
I agree with others, see out the rest of the holiday doing your own thing with DM and DC. BiL and MiL not invited and DH optional.
Then, no more help for MiL. You are not her PA. Anything she needs, tell her to ask DH or BiL. Tell DH to take the DC to see her without you and have a rest. If DH is so happy to be spineless with his family, he can reap the consequences.
If you have a similar situation in the future about MiL suddenly changing her mind about walking - she or DH can sort it. You can do a breezy ‘oh what a shame you won’t be able to join us’ type response. Her issues are no longer yours to fix. Before you speak ask yourself ‘how can I approach this to ensure it does not become my problem’. Lots of non-proactivity please. It will take practice.
Never go on holiday with them again (obvs). Take your DM again by all means. If DH complains, tell him not to come with you then but arrange his own trip with DC and MiL instead.
You are understandably righteously angry. Let that fuel you to leave them all to it from now on. Not. Your. Problem. His family, his issue.

Honestly as soon as I read you invited your DM and your MIL on the same holiday, I thought you had lost the plot.

I mean I love my DM, I think she's amazing but we can do a long weekend max. My DH likes her too but he would be going slightly insane by the end of the weekend.

Taking both DM and MIL on the same holiday is madness. They have different interests, personalities, abilities and aren't even friends.

It sounds like you have a massive issue with people pleasing and putting your own feelings last to try to make everyone else happy. As a result you get yourself in situations which are intolerable and lead to divorce-worthy arguments.

You don't have to go on holiday with your whole extended family.
You don't have to change your holiday destination at the whim of your MIL.
If your MIL hasn't organized a scooter, it isn't your responsibility to find one for her.
When you BIL turns up and moans you haven't fussed over his birthday, it is entirely socially acceptable to laugh in his face for being a grown man having a tantrum about his birthday
When you go back home, you don't have to be MIL's PA either - you have yourself, your DCs and your DM, that's more than enough!

I genuinely did think it would probably be ok in the beginning.

When we all went away a few years ago (with both sets of parents) it was fun and relaxing. Everyone got on, there was no drama and the dc had a great time.

I really miss sane FIL.

YADNBU

I once went on a group holiday with a partner’s DM, DF, and two lots of my partner’s siblings, spouses and kids. All in the same villa.

That holiday was when I decided I never wanted to marry into the family. Amongst many other things, my partner’s DM got blind drunk, ranted her Daily Fail right wing venom everywhere every single night at dinner, and attacked my job. Scathingly ranted how she thought it was so easy (she was thick and uneducated herself), and everyone in my profession did nothing but complain. She was a vindictive, insecure, angry person and I was so happy to leave that family behind when we split up. I remember watching her rant and get pissed out of her head thinking - there’s no way I’m ever having a kid of mine have her as a grandparent.

Oh your poor DM. What does she think upper in laws?

I really feel for you. I had in-laws “surprise “ us by arriving at our holiday accommodation some years ago, and I still get annoyed thinking about it. The entitlement!

Your kids will probably look back on this holiday as a funny story or family legend when they’re a bit older, so don’t worry. Sounds like you’ll have a lovely day tomorrow.

I'm not sure how much to judge your husband. Sounds like he has had a lifetime of bending himself to suit an unfair family dynamic. Perhaps this will lead him to reflect on that and make some changes?

But just make sure you are very clear on what you are prepared to put up with. If he can’t get on board with that, you may have to part ways.