Does anyone else identify with changing so much by mid 50s?

[Realworld10]

Maybe it's menopause, too many losses, a natural stage of life?

I look back at the enthusiastic, lust for life, interactive woman I was until late 40s. It wasn't covid, that experience made me appreciate life, family and friends even more and the effort made for my birthday.

I was adventurous, always pushed out of my comfort zone to try new things.

Having lost a parent, best friend and several beloved family members, I just feel deflated, down, anxious 😟 I've changed completely in myself and completely limit myself to my social interactions because it's too much mental effort and I feel I'm being disingenuous when I'm at them.

Fortunately I can choose my hours at work now and I do as little as I need to. DH and one DC at home, I try my best, always there for DC taking out to sports and at home but not ao much for DH. He knows, sort of understands but isn't happy at my digression to wanting to be alone more.

This probably isn't 'normal' but I've never been that anyway with mental issues, all fine to deal with when younger but then wham hit me.

I tried counselling but, as lovely as it was to chat to someone, the sessions online could end after less than 30 minutes. I know I wasn't given the right counseller for my condition through private and need to change this. I did feel invigorated for a couple of days and took the advice but that was it.

Part of me just feels hopeless 😔 I'm on autopilot, have no desire or energy to do anything more, in fact I sometimes/often hate the noisy world around me, can't cope.

Sorry, I've rambled on, few drinks, reflecting and immersing. Thank you for reading and of you identify to being like me, now boring, insular, looking for a way to improve for my loved ones and myself. Xxx

I‘m sorry to hear this. Is there anything that piques your interest? A new hobby? Learning a language? A course trying to acquire a new skill?

How do you feel about trying HRT? That could well help with the low energy and anxiety. Have a read about it, generally it's best to ask for bioidentical ones, but there's lots of information out there.

OP I think we all change as we get older.
I can't be arsed with most people.
I've worked in London all my life but I now find it noisy, dirty and unsafe. I just don't want to take a job there.

I loved my work but I'd quite like to sit and watch countdown. I've earned it but sadly I can't for two years. Not enough cash yet and DH has 20 months.

I didn't have HRT but most of my friends take it.
Watch the booze though especially late at night. You won't process it well as you get older.

I'd be as happy as Larry if I had a bit more money. I'm older than you (60) but I actually don't care. I'm not interested in the male gaze or what some toxic boss thinks of me. I've lost my competitiveness and I'm going to happy with my garden and chickens (moving shortly).

Is there anything you've always wanted to do? Learn a new language, visit a particular country etc?
Make a plan. We're not supposed to stand still.

Fwiw I had therapy for nearly a year ( I was a heavy drinker). Best thing I ever spent my money on.

i hope you don’t mind me asking, are you depressed? You’ve lost several,key people recently, and it’s bound to have an affect on you. Maybe worth speaking to the gp for hrt , anti-depressants etc to help. I think you could still be grieving as well, and it’s affecting your everyday life.

I agree with PP you sound depressed. You have experienced a lot of loss, I am very sorry. Have you tried ADs? A different counsellor?

I became much less concerned about what random people think about me and I’m much more happy to be on my own and I have medical issues that restrict what I can do but I still have zest, I am still adventurous and like to try new things. It sounds like you may be a bit depressed OP.

I agree that you sound very low and possibly depressed. Not at all surprising after so much loss 💐 Have you seen a doctor at all?

I’ve lost five close family members including my husband, and several less close ones, plus some difficult deaths of friends, in a few years. I’m also indecently happy and do have plans that I’m excited about. I would still say things are different in this stage of life with different priorities, but that’s ok. I’ve been in therapy for three chunks of a couple of years at a time, which has been amazing. I also took Sertraline for six months at one point after one of the friends’ deaths and some dreadful times at work. I’ve now been on HRT for a few months which is helping across the board.

I guess what I would say is NO it is not inevitable that you have to live a life of grey isolation at this age. Maybe it’s a time when you are cocooning again, but there’s a new butterfly ready to emerge? I think that can happen several times across a lifespan.

All symptoms of the menopause sadly. It will get better BUT you need to fight to not let it become your comfort zone.

The biggest risk to your life as an older lady is anxiety. The only way to manage it is not to let defeat you. You have to combat it and push yourself to do the things your brain is telling you stick away from.

When you do 'win' the battle, you feel young and an amazing sense of pride.

Psychotherapy, years of it, has helped me. I found counselling very short term but therapy worked slowly at the roots of my issues.

Grief, depression and/or menopause?

If the counsellor wasn’t right for you and you can afford it would try someone different.

Depending on any menopause symptoms you could seek medical advice about that.

HRT my friend. That will sort you right out!

I was heading towards the way you are feeling, and for me, the answer is in your post. The alcohol, particularly alcohol during/after the menopause. I gave up drinking 10 months ago and life is so very much better. It doesn't have to be daily drinking for it to take it's toll, both mentally and physically.

Was always my mum's answer for everything when I was feeling down or jaded. Get a hobby. Go and learn a language was the one she always said.. If that was some kind of magic elixir.

I was useless at languages when I was at school and I hardly think people in language classes are going to be looking for more friends and most of its online anyway, now.

As if I didn't have enough hobbies already.

OP i get it, i'm not in my fifties yet and have a way to go, but still i'm getting to the point where I'm thinking, is this it.

Don't let people tell you its just the menopause or anything else I'm nowhere near that age yet there yet and it seems to be a blame for pretty much everything these days.

I don't know what the answer is other than I think life just gets a bit monotonous when you get to a certain age. I've also lost my mum and its have had a profound impact on me even though it was more than two years ago, now.

I know this feeling, am in the process of emerging from it now (touch wood!). HRT made it worse to start with and GP was no help so had to go private to try out various combinations to get the right levels but it still wasn’t the magic wand some people talk about. Then I did counselling too and had v similar experience to you, nice but not really shifting things.

What’s making the difference now for me is coaching, which takes a different approach to the counselling and is genuinely helping me to feel like my old self again but also to shift into seeing these changes as part of a bigger and more positive stage rather than loss and decline. It’s not as abstract and woo as that might sound. It’s v practical and applied, and takes ongoing effort ofc but at least I’m feeling capable of that now.

If it wasn’t helping, think my next step would’ve been a-D’s but was concerned they could make me more foggy. Exercise helps too. Keep trying and hopefully something will make the difference for you, and it will get better. Older friends have come through it and had a whole new lease of life. Just gotta hang in there. 💪

50’s can be really crap. I’ve heard it called sniper alley.

One minute you are a together and still young 40 something and the next thing you hit 50 and the universe says “let’s see how far I can push you before you break…ha ha ha”.

Let’s see; parents get ill or pass away, or they become your extra 2 DC to look after. You work, but no longer care really whilst your management treat you like you are past it. You go to sleep one night and wake up 2 stone heavier, and have aged 10 years. Your kids leave home. Your friends start to get ill and pass away and this leaves you shell shocked as 50 is nothing. You are crippled with anxiety in small situations like getting your hair cut or in a lift. You look at your DH and wonder if you are going to make it as all your friends are getting divorced. Bits starts falling off your body and you start to get stuff wrong with you.

Sound familiar?

I have not mastered the above, but had all of these situations. If I don’t exercise like my life depends on it I do get overwhelmed by anxiety. I mean seriously, who the hell gets anxiety in a Pilates class which means I spend the first 10-15 mins in an absolute panic?????

It’s not just the menopause OP, it’s that plus this, plus that, plus the other. It’s overwhelming. Like waves that keep coming at you till you can’t take it anymore and retreat and hide.

If you think of it like that, that it’s a number of things combined in one big fuckety fuck, then your answer is to strip it back, attack and defeat it with a number of actions.

@Kopfkino that's a really good perspective.
I lost a few people in my fifties and it made me very lonely. I then had a serious life threatening illness.
I'm coming out the other side but I don't feel the same. I don't want to work in my profession but I need a job. I'm hoping my move will open new doors.

It seems pretty normal then. I miss the old me too. I had not expected anxiety to worsen with age, but it has.

We are living longer than previous generations and need to find a purpose. Agree with pp that exercise certainly helps, as does having a dog!

It sounds like you’ve had a really tough time of it OP and it’s no wonder you’ve lost your mojo.

You’re certainly not alone in how you feel. I’m almost mid 50s and I feel very lost and struggling to reclaim me. I became very unwell just before my 50th, whilst we were still in lockdown and it has aged me hugely. I haven’t worked since then but now need to, and if I didn’t already have a loss of confidence, the rejection emails I get, or none at all, for the jobs I’m applying for certainly isn’t helping, but it’s one foot in front of the other and trying not to look too far ahead, but I try and make sure that I get out everyday, my walks do me the world of good, eat well, sleep well, you know the drill… and hope that things gradually improve 😊

I fell into the trap of taking on "worthy" extracurricular stuff like being a school governor. Then my hobbies just felt like work.

I binned them off (after many years), and reminded myself that there are no medals, no one is keeping score and nobody cares: but in a freeing way rather than a beating yourself up way. I have an anti bucket list of things I will never do. (Parachuting, ride a horse.

Life can give you a right kicking by the time you hit mid 50s

I disappeared before my own eyes, didn’t want to be.

Much better now 60 is beckoning.

Things that helped were

-HRT, especially once testosterone got added to the mix.
-Long enough on anti-depressants to let me do the kind of things that lift mood.
-Doing the things that lift mood (diet, sleep, exercise, daily gratitude practice)
-Coaching to release me from the clutches of long standing grief. Coaching not counselling because I really don’t want to be re-traumatised by talking over sad, bad stuff. And I wanted something practical, that I could do, and measure the success of. With a clear end point.
-Life pruning, bye bye to things that were done on the basis of “should/ought to” rather than what I wanted or needed from my life.

I can’t say I’m delighted about turning 60 in the not so distant future, but I’m in better shape on all levels than I was when I hit 50. And if it goes horribly wrong I at least have some practice at getting my mojo back, albeit in a new and different form.

Massive hug, it can be a really difficult period of life to navigate.

@Kopfkino

”Let’s see; parents get ill or pass away, or they become your extra 2 DC to look after. You work, but no longer care really whilst your management treat you like you are past it. You go to sleep one night and wake up 2 stone heavier, and have aged 10 years. Your kids leave home. Your friends start to get ill and pass away and this leaves you shell shocked as 50 is nothing. You are crippled with anxiety in small situations like getting your hair cut or in a lift. You look at your DH and wonder if you are going to make it as all your friends are getting divorced. Bits starts falling off your body and you start to get stuff wrong with you.
”

One of the best summaries of being in your fifties I have ever seen. So accurate.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind and helpful replies. I agree I'm depressed and need to be proactive to help myself. I really appreciate you all, from the bottom of my heart ❤️ xxx

Totally identify, apart from kids leaving home. As older parents DC are still at (ks3) secondary school.

I'm just too over sensitive about everything in life so I guess the extra pressures which aren't usual in mid 50s exacerbate this. DH is fantastic but not sympathetic or empathetic, he does try but doesn't get it. If I want to curl up in a ball and cry he sort of understands but I feel weak, pick myself up and put on a false mask.

Yes, time to seek help, just part of me feels I'm not worthy to take up medical time for things I should be able to do for myself.

Got to bite the bullet and do it I know, for my family and myself.

Fortunately I haven't self harmed in many years, so that's progress in self control. Xx

Thank you but unfortunately no, nothing interests me anymore.

@Realworld10Are you me? You’ve just summed up my life in a nutshell! I can’t see it getting any better - more funerals than weddings happening now.