Does anyone else identify with changing so much by mid 50s?

[Realworld10]

Maybe it's menopause, too many losses, a natural stage of life?

I look back at the enthusiastic, lust for life, interactive woman I was until late 40s. It wasn't covid, that experience made me appreciate life, family and friends even more and the effort made for my birthday.

I was adventurous, always pushed out of my comfort zone to try new things.

Having lost a parent, best friend and several beloved family members, I just feel deflated, down, anxious 😟 I've changed completely in myself and completely limit myself to my social interactions because it's too much mental effort and I feel I'm being disingenuous when I'm at them.

Fortunately I can choose my hours at work now and I do as little as I need to. DH and one DC at home, I try my best, always there for DC taking out to sports and at home but not ao much for DH. He knows, sort of understands but isn't happy at my digression to wanting to be alone more.

This probably isn't 'normal' but I've never been that anyway with mental issues, all fine to deal with when younger but then wham hit me.

I tried counselling but, as lovely as it was to chat to someone, the sessions online could end after less than 30 minutes. I know I wasn't given the right counseller for my condition through private and need to change this. I did feel invigorated for a couple of days and took the advice but that was it.

Part of me just feels hopeless 😔 I'm on autopilot, have no desire or energy to do anything more, in fact I sometimes/often hate the noisy world around me, can't cope.

Sorry, I've rambled on, few drinks, reflecting and immersing. Thank you for reading and of you identify to being like me, now boring, insular, looking for a way to improve for my loved ones and myself. Xxx

Yes I feel exactly like this. I put it down to menopause and the shitty world we live in.

Menopause strips you of serotonin as side effect of declining estrogen, as well as so much else, and low serotonin can very definitely physiologically affect you.

Serotonin is a neurotransmitter and you need it for physical activity and normal brain activity, it's not just about mood.

For a few years I was on a supplement called 5HTP (doctors are generally clueless about this supplement but all were interested when I would talk about it to them) It has an actual, physical effect (nope I don't sell it not paid for talking about it and am no longer on it as I no longer need it).

5 HTP (5 hydroxytryptophan) is a direct precursor to serotonin, meaning the body converts it into the neurotransmitter serotonin, this helps your body to function, sleep, regulate mood etc.

Not saying this is what you need and be very careful about serotonin syndrome, don't take it if you are on serotonin reputake inhibitors already.

But for the four years I needed it, it changed my life. It worked really fast too, like within 3 days I felt like a different person, more energy, calmer, more stable, just more like the old me.

Anyway, don't rule out the physical. And don't trust doctors to help you as if you're on the "normal" level for blood tests etc they'll pretty much ignore you, even if your normal is absolutely at the bottom of the baseline for "normal".

I think peri and menopause are foundation shaking for many but I also think it's like a mid life reckoning, something to do with moving from youth to older age and recognising our own and our loved ones mortality. Someone once said to me that when you get to your 40s your start to see things in 3D and your 50s 4D. Not sure what happens in the decades after but it feels very true. I feel very much like I just see things so differently now. Peri hit me like a ton of bricks pretty much overnight. I tried HRT for two years but came off due to progesterone intolerance. I feel like a completely different person now and touch wood am managing ok. It took a massive adjustment though and a difficult few years. Good luck OP.

HRT, Sertraline, less alcohol, things that make you laugh (comedy on tv), an exercise you actually like not endure.
But the first two biggest help for me in order to be able to do the rest

I am 55 and feel a bit like you. Bereavement after caring for a loved one, I find family overwhelming, I feel unsociable, need rather than want, time on my own or I feel overwhelmed. My GP said I am experiencing burnout and I agree. I changed my job last year and I like it but don’t have the old enthusiasm to get on and make my mark. However what I have done is turned to childhood hobbies, which unfortunately are expensive as they involve animals. I got a puppy and trained it to do dog sports which we enjoy together. I got a horse, and on Sunday we galloped down a beach. These are the things that give me a zest for life now, rather than parties, work and socialising. My first grand child is due soon and I hope that will also be a new chapter for me. However a substantial amount of my time is taken up by fantasizing about and planning my retirement and a quieter life in the country. I do wish I could just enjoy the here and now a bit more.

Any particular brand you would recommend?

Another thing is that I think menopause is a substantial life change for women, in a par with puberty in terms of the personality and bodily changes that take place. I feel like a different person now compared to 30s and 40s, just like me at 11 was totally different to me at 17 both in appearance and behaviour. It sounds obvious but for me it helps to acknowledge this and realise that we do change over time. I feel the problem is that other people (partners and children) often don’t get this and we don’t communicate it, we just get on with things so expectations of us don’t match reality.

This may be controversial but I honestly think that a lot of women would be happier alone or living with other women while having a boyfriend/companion.

Once the child-bearing years are done, there's no point staying with somebody who gets on your wick.
It's just pointless.

Locally to,us a ladies friemdship,group was started because someone recognise that women over forty felt a little lost. They no longer had that daily chat on the school playground, went back to work full time, kids became more independentbetc.

Can you look on Facebook to see if there’s something similar? With ours, people put up coffee met up, theatr trips, Bookclubs, and you attend if you want, but there’s no pressure.

Similar to @MostlyGhostly we got a dog a few years ago and a year ago, I started doing agility with him. It’s been the best thing and I think this is partly because I’m using my brain, and I can see progression. Can you find a new pastime that gets you out? Netball,? Bookclub?archeology club? Dungeons and dragons?

You're right about needing to be more proactive, but don't force it. Your depression can be helped clinically by Setraline. That will then give you a new lease of life and the impetus to do enjoyable things again. I'm mid 50s and I got really depressed about menopausal monthly or bi monthly bloats. I felt pregnant and old. Unfortunately, it can be when you reminisce about your 30s, or younger. It sounds like you really need to offload to somebody. It will get better. You've just got to find the right solution for you ❤️ you're certainly not alone.

I agree. I keep thinking about that Kafka book Metamorphosis where he wakes up one day and is a huge insect. I feel like I've been through a huge puberty like change and am nothing like I was before.

I think giving up alcohol and antidepressants could make a huge difference.

I also think that it’s harder to bounce back from life’s vicissitudes, especially when you have a series of hammer blows such as bereavement (quite often multiple), maybe having caring responsibilities for older people in the family at the same time as still being in the parent-trenches, the challenges of peri and menopause and sometimes other health-issues. It takes it out of you fighting battles on several different fronts and it gets harder to keep getting back on the horse.

However, there is something very freeing about this age too, imo. A lot of the things that concerned me when I was younger around appearance and other people’s opinions of me etc seem laughable. I think OP has a lot on her plate, particularly having younger children. Like others, I’d recommend seeing if any physical causes can be addressed because lots of women I know have discovered that the right regimen of HRT or having autoimmune issues diagnosed and properly treated made sense if/ resolved things they’d been struggling with for years. Also, alcohol seems to be much more difficult to handle physically during this decade so a different approach to that might help.
Hang in there. X

In my 50s my priorities shifted and I place huge importance on looking after myself. My vintage body and mind has gone through a great deal and its time to treat both with the care they deserve if I'm going to be well for the next 30 years.
I treat myself gently. Making a conscious effort to balance work rest and enjoyment and doing only those things that I have to or genuinely want to.
I eat cleanly, don't drink, do the exercise I need to stay healthy, do the things that relax me and are good for my soul. Time with people I Iove, nature, music, books, travel. I rest without guilt.
I've found a peace and wellbeing I never had when younger and I'm happy. It's a different sort of happy, but its good. I hope you find yours.

@Realworld10 Thank you for posting. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I’m yet to reach 50, but feeling at a very low ebb. I was full of despair this morning, but knowing I’m not alone, and reading all the lovely responses on here has given me hope.
💐

56 & wasn't able to pick myself up after being attacked then my brother dying. Experienced exactly the same, I was sick of people & just wanted to be at home. I'm also in a talking job, & it felt like daily torture having to sit & listen to people & interact with them.

Sertrailne has been my saviour. It's the first time I've reached for anything chemical & now I feel a bit of a twit for not accepting them sooner. I'm also in CBT which my brain appears to love. I still don't want to go out as much as I used to, but what's the issue? My home is lovely, it's all mine & if I want to enjoy it I will as long as I'm not isolating myself. Work is also bearable again, but I'm really looking forward to retiring.

I'm not sure there is a normal. I seem to be fine at early 60s, very active and fit, travel a lot, feel like these are the best years. That's me, not you, but it does mean that it's not necessarily a natural part of ageing. Could you try exercise for a couple of months and see how that works? I find that essential. You may have to take it till you make it, I personally don't live doing exercise but I do love the benefits it brings in terms of energy