Should I go through with leaving DH?

[ChasingRainbows8]

I am stuck in a loop of ruminating thoughts over this decision and really need to gain some clarity. I have posted about this before, so please forgive that.

The previous posts covered my DH's emotional unavailability, my affair and my diagnosis of breast cancer.

In March we separated, much to DH's disappointment and although he didn't say much he did say he hoped we could make it work again. Since then I have been slowly renovating my grandma's old house for me to move into with the hope of moving in mid September.

Now, the thoughts are that I am making a mistake, messing up my DC's life and I still live DH. I have tried to talk to him since March, he stares away, watches YouTube while I speak, or looks out of the window. He seems unable to formulate any responses and lacks emotions. It's just me talking and long silences, I don't know whether he is processing or ignoring me but the silence could go on for 10 minutes and he will then switch back to what he was doing.

We took our DC away for a night, he chose to sit inside while we were all on the balcony. No real effort made for reconnecting. He hasn't made any plans or any effort to speak to me. He still can't say 'I love you' or give any praise or validation. I don't need much but he can quickly identify negatives.

He states he is the primary care giver as he works 16 hours to be around the DC. However, my job is flexible and I am home until 10am and finish when my eldest returns home from school, so I am often at home. I would be able to be flexible to ensure we can do 50/50.

I am desperately sad. I have increased my medication and go to therapy yet I have intrusive thoughts of hurting myself everyday. I just want to feel love and be happy. My therapist described it as emotional starvation.

Incomes the OM. He is still in the background, we aren't seeing each other but he made it very clear that is what he would like in the future and that he can give me as much space as I need. I guess that part confused things more. I wish that had never started but in all honesty, I was in a deep hole. That period seems like a blur, a bit like when I had PPD.

Should I stay with a good, practical man, who is there for me physically but has no emotional depth. He won't change. He said I am the sole reason the relationship is ending. He can't communicate and we get no where. He would happily never speak about this and plod along. I don't know how to be brave. My family think I've gone mad for thinking about leaving.

I’m not sure why you wouldn’t leave ?

it sounds better for everyone all round, and you deserve to be happy (and so does your husband)

Your husband sounds awful and it would depress the fuck out of me to be married to him. I feel depressed from here, it’s so empty. You don’t have to choose between the two of them, you can choose yourself.

I voted you'd be unreasonable to stay.

Ultimately the person who has an affair is the one to blame for the relationship ending. It doesn’t matter how shitty your relationship is, it’s not an excuse for an affair. Ending a relationship is always possible.

He doesn’t come across as wanting to reconnect at all, has he stated that he wanted to? I can’t imagine the person cheated on would ever be the one going out of their way to reconnect, saying I love you.

We do get on so well, I enjoy his company when we are co-parenting. I just get nothing emotionally. I so wish he would put the work in to trying to help learn about himself and to improve but 14 years on and it seems to be worse.

have you tried having phone text conversations over actual conversations?? Your husband sounds autistic.. mine has shades of it.. avoids socialising.. likes lots of his own space to process things.. text ing worked well for us when we could not communicate face to face..Anyway who says you can’t you stay married and live in separate houses… maybe try that for a while.. and ye could then start dating again and see…

I don’t think your husband even wants you stay from the sounds of it?
You are considering whether to stay when on both sides it sounds like your marriage is already dead and you want your husband to engage but presumably he is aware of the OM.

Why does he only work 16 hours to be flexible for your kids? That’s hardly anything at all especially if you only work 10am - 3.30pm. Is this economy how to households get by with both parents working so little?!!!

Also something that works for us is a weekly sex appointment.. I get to boss him around about my affection needs.. win win for both of us..

He has never said 'I love you' well a few times when drunk. I understand where you are coming from regarding blame, I know I was at fault. I have tried to communicate over the years, even before the affair it would be the same scenario, blank stares, no speaking, just silence. I said to him before the OM after the cancer, I need more love from you and he said I can't give more. Later he said he doesn't respond well to demands.

Oh and as for other man, I’d say avoid as it’s only adding complications to the matter.. One man at a time and all that..

At Christmas we did a lot of text communication but that stopped. I agree with possible ND or with experience of his family, possible avoidant attachment.

Emotional starvation is exactly what you’ve been going through. Your husband sounds like my ex, I went through the same pattern for about ten years, trying to get something out of him and failing. It took about 6 months after we broke up for him to realise what had happening, but the damage was done and I’d mentally checked out years beforehand. At the end of the day he knows you’ve made plans to leave, nothings changed. It’s worse for your kids growing up in a home with a desperately unhappy mother. I learnt that the hard way.

He doesn't make you happy or feel cared for. Just cut the rope. Life is short.

There’s support group on Meetup for spouses of autistic partners.. that was eye opening for me..

You have told your husband you want to leave because he doesn't emotionally engage. He still doesn't emotionally engage. At all. So go through with it and leave him. Make your own sanctuary in your new home and don't rush into living with the other bloke.

What happens if you say, "Can you put your phone away and give this conversation your full attention please? I'm trying to connect here." ?

Was he always like this? If so, what made you pursue the relationship at all, because it sounds unbearable? Or if he changed, when?

What is his family background? (Although it hardly matters if he can't get motivated to work to change).

Would he go to counselling with you?

Christ! You really need to work hard in therapy to grasp that you are worth MORE THAN THIS. You are “splitting” him in two but its all the same (bad) husband.

This is navel-gazing nonsense.

He doesn’t make you happy. You have met someone else.

It’s not supposed to be this difficult. It’s really not.

You are sending very mixed messages here. I enjoy his company when we are co- parenting. WTH does that mean exactly??

You've had an affair. You've been separated for six months. You're doing up a different house to move in to. At the same time you're nevertheless trying to connect with someone who has been, is, and always will be unable to provide the kind of emotional connection that you feel you need.

The horse you're flogging isn't just dead, it's crumbled to dust and blown away on the wind. The relationship is over. It's done. It's time to stop chasing after unsuitable men, spend some serious time by yourself working out who you are and what you want. Meanwhile concentrate on forging a new life as a single woman and co-parent for at least a year before you even start thinking about dating again.

I agree, this is why I am finding it so hard. I enjoy his company and we parent well together. Should that be enough to keep the family together? But I am unbelievably sad most of the time. I have stopped talking to him about serious things as it leaves me deflated.

Thanks I appreciate your comment. I definitely don't have any desire to move straight into another relationship and would certainly hold off a couple of years before thinking about my children meeting another man let alone living with another man. It's not something I could fathom them having to deal with for a long time. OM has been made well aware of this and how important stability is for me and my DC.

Having moments of good coparenting doesn’t sound like a reason to stay. His disengagement and indifference are clearly upsetting, and are unlikely to change. Any of the practical and coparenting points are fixable as you’re a reasonable and competent human. The emotional side isn’t fixable. I think you owe it to yourself to pursue your own happiness on your own terms. Make sure you’re happy in yourself first without considering any OM.

So you enjoy his company but there is nothing emotional about it. He's just 'there'. He knows you are going to leave him so I'd guess he's cut off what little emotion he did have to offer in order to protect himself and that's made things worse.

I think this marriage is dead in the water and this isn't really you rethinking your separation, it's your fear of stepping out into the unknown. Nothing has changed and he's not suddenly going to become husband of the year.

It sounds like the marriage is dead in the water. He isn't willing to make any effort to improve the relationship so stop wasting your time. You need to leave. Don't jump straight into a relationship with another man, it's very likely to fail. Give yourself some time being single and finding the strength to be ok on your own.