Should I go through with leaving DH?

[ChasingRainbows8]

I am stuck in a loop of ruminating thoughts over this decision and really need to gain some clarity. I have posted about this before, so please forgive that.

The previous posts covered my DH's emotional unavailability, my affair and my diagnosis of breast cancer.

In March we separated, much to DH's disappointment and although he didn't say much he did say he hoped we could make it work again. Since then I have been slowly renovating my grandma's old house for me to move into with the hope of moving in mid September.

Now, the thoughts are that I am making a mistake, messing up my DC's life and I still live DH. I have tried to talk to him since March, he stares away, watches YouTube while I speak, or looks out of the window. He seems unable to formulate any responses and lacks emotions. It's just me talking and long silences, I don't know whether he is processing or ignoring me but the silence could go on for 10 minutes and he will then switch back to what he was doing.

We took our DC away for a night, he chose to sit inside while we were all on the balcony. No real effort made for reconnecting. He hasn't made any plans or any effort to speak to me. He still can't say 'I love you' or give any praise or validation. I don't need much but he can quickly identify negatives.

He states he is the primary care giver as he works 16 hours to be around the DC. However, my job is flexible and I am home until 10am and finish when my eldest returns home from school, so I am often at home. I would be able to be flexible to ensure we can do 50/50.

I am desperately sad. I have increased my medication and go to therapy yet I have intrusive thoughts of hurting myself everyday. I just want to feel love and be happy. My therapist described it as emotional starvation.

Incomes the OM. He is still in the background, we aren't seeing each other but he made it very clear that is what he would like in the future and that he can give me as much space as I need. I guess that part confused things more. I wish that had never started but in all honesty, I was in a deep hole. That period seems like a blur, a bit like when I had PPD.

Should I stay with a good, practical man, who is there for me physically but has no emotional depth. He won't change. He said I am the sole reason the relationship is ending. He can't communicate and we get no where. He would happily never speak about this and plod along. I don't know how to be brave. My family think I've gone mad for thinking about leaving.

Moments of good co-parenting sounds like a great reason to pull the trigger on it to me, if you can separate and co-parent well that would be perfect.

Also, you talk of your DC, this non emotional relationship is not a good model, this is what you are currently teaching them.

If you stay the emotional starvation will get worse over time. He sounds incapable of emotional attachment and you will feel worse as time goes on. Your husband is incapable of meeting your needs in this relationship - move on and enjoy yourself, enjoy your new man, and put your needs to the forefront.

Yes I think you should do you both a favour and leave. You both sound absolutely miserable in this. Just think if your child was in this situation and they asked you what you thought they should do, how would you answer?

It's so helpful to read everyone's thoughts. It has helped reassure me, I guess having a wobble is par for the course when so much is about to change.

I asked that he turned YouTube off and he sat twiddling with his leg hairs instead of looking at me and made no input into the conversation.

I was always quite independent, so before children I was able to fill my cup more. I liked his calmness, after leaving quite a fiery relationship, loyalty and reliability.

I guess he has always been difficult to communicate with, we used to have what we called cake meetings where we would chat but that stopped a long time ago. I noticed when we met that he would look else other than his mum when she was around, now he does the same to me.

He once agreed to go to my therapist with me but I got the sense that was to try to change the perception and direction of the sessions. He won't agree to see a different therapist.

His relationship with his mum is difficult. She is loud and difficult, she makes negative remarks and then laughs them off. She once told me that he rejected her as a baby and never needed her. Quite strange actually and she dotes on her other son.

It sounds like you aren't 100% sure, which is natural because it's a big change.

I'd recommend a book like Neurodiverse Relationships (as it very much sounds like your husband is neurodiverse, and the book gives great insights into relationships both from the POV of the neurodiverse husbands and neurotypical wives). I say this because you mention feeling emotionally starved and unloved, and the book specifically addresses this - Cassandra Syndrome. It might give you some insights into why your husband is the way he is and give you some fresh eyes on your relationship, for better or for worse. It helped me understand my own neurodivergent partner better, but he is also very aware that his brain and my brain are different, and we actively work together to make sure both of us are communicating well and getting our needs met.

For things to improve in your relationship, ultimately both of you would have to be on board with addressing the issues in your relationship and it sounds like your husband may not be capable of owning his part in what's going on and working with you on a solution. In which case, there's not much you can do no matter what insights you may have.

Only you can make the call, but if you feel like leaving is the right thing for you to do, you deserve to be happy and to be the best mother you can be for your child.

Life is short, move on

"For things to improve in your relationship, ultimately both of you would have to be on board with addressing the issues in your relationship and it sounds like your husband may not be capable of owning his part in what's going on and working with you on a solution. In which case, there's not much you can do no matter what insights you may have."
This nails it I think. If you feel like you're talking to a brick wall. You can't live like that.

I wouldn't stay. Who wants to be in an emotionless marriage?

I wouldn't settle for the other man either. He probably will not fully trust you.

Ill have a look. Thank you x

he chose to sit inside while we were all on the balcony. No real effort made for reconnecting. He hasn't made any plans or any effort to speak to me.

even before the affair it would be the same scenario, blank stares, no speaking, just silence.

he sat twiddling with his leg hairs instead of looking at me and made no input into the conversation.

We do get on so well,
^
You need to stop lying to yourself. How can you get on with someone who doesn't talk to you? It's time to leave, for your sake, his sake, but more importantly for the children. They are having to live with a man who refuses to talk and a woman who is clinically depressed because they live together.

Op you can’t change a person and I know what everyone is saying but it’s also unfair to him to be saying if he would only change. He hadn’t said that to you. I’m sorry s as ll the crap you’ve both gone through x

I honestly feel for him, I have adapted around him for so long because he is kind in a practical sort of way and a good guy. But when life got harder, he pulled away more.

It would take a serious amount of work to unpick his upbringing and I know that's not something he wants to do. As time goes on the lack of emotional intimacy means I can't adapt anymore. It's really sad.

He sounds horrendous. What a horrific relationship example for your DC! Run away and don’t look back. Your new life is going to be great without the emotional boat anchor.

God op, I think ive married his twin. 0 reaction to me saying ive looked at a mortgage for me and the kids

Ah sorry you are dealing with something similar. What's insane is I think if I never mentioned any of this again, he would just go along living this life like none of it happened just to avoid talking.

Sorry OP he sounds completely dead emotionally. He just doesn't care if you're there or not. You make no difference to him. Zero effort. If you take no further action he will erode your self confidence.

But when life got harder, he pulled away more. yes because he knows you're the solid one, keeping life on course, dealing with your DC, doing the practical things while he has the luxury of opting out of his responsibilities. Dont kid yourself he isn't a nice guy, he's utterly useless, selfish and a millstone round your neck weighing you down. Why waste your time, it's flogging a dead horse.

It's tough to admit it's over, but better to finally let him go. You aren't wrecking your DCs life, he is!