Feel like I'm walking on egg shells in my own home

[CuddlyBears]

Some context

When my DD was 13 she got pregnant, she didn't really show at all and she was they thought 28/29 weeks gone. I still wonder how no one knew, not me, not her school, not anyone. DD’s behaviour had changed from the beginning of year 8, she was more snappy and moodier and honestly off the rails. I begged for help from school but nothing happened, she was excluded from school and we didn't have mum and daughter days anymore or anything

I wasn't even angry I was more shocked than anything. She was too far gone for an abortion. Prior to this nothing changed in her life to cause this she just fell into a trap after meeting her bf. He was the year above but only months older so nothing was done as they were both underage having sex and dd made it clear she wasn't coerced

She gave birth about 8 weeks after she found out and he was tiny but healthy and I've raised him since then, I got a guardianship order (i think that’s the name forgive me if not im exhausted).

I don’t want to make this thread long and unreadable so will reply to questions but his behaviour is awful tbh, he vapes and smokes weed often, steals alcohol, selfharms, is rude and disrespectful to me, he spends almost all of his time gaming on his PC and doesnt really go out. His room is disgusting the one time he did go out (the other week) I went in his room and found 2 bottles of his wee and when i confronted him later on and told him how disgusting it was he was just like “oh well you shouldn’t have gone in my room then”.

He got his gcse results this week and he already was in a terrible mood because i had woken him up to go get them. He came back and threw them at me unopened and went back to bed. He’s failed everything. He mostly got 1s and 2s but he also got a U it says he got 3 marks across 3 papers on that one.

He doesnt care, hes applied to a college but i dont know if he wants to do it or if he did it to shut me up. its also a level 2 which is going to be an issue. I tried calling school Friday and Thursday but nothing. Would college help? I feel at a loss.

He's been mostly ignoring me since but he asked me to help him tidy his room which I did but he had loads of clothes and I told him I'm not washing them all today (it was ALOT of clothes he hasn't brought down for weeks so I have left them as he didn't put them in his basket either and I wasn't picking them up off his floor) he shouted at me over it and said it's my job so I said I wasn’t helping him tidy up and he then threw a book at me (he says it wasn’t at me) because he’d taken everything off of his shelf and he was annoyed. He went for a “walk” and while he was out I did help him by finishing tidying putting everything back but it’s probably not organised how he would but I hoovered for him and changed his bedding etc. I found another bottle of his wee and when he got back he didn’t care at all he said he couldn’t bothered to go to the toilet when he was playing his game.

He stinks of weed but he swears blind he’s not smoked anything which he has.

• yes this is a repost and i’ve added extra my previous thread got hidden from active and MNHQ aren’t answering my emails

on my other thread people suggested asking social services for help but he’s 17 in a week i don’t know if they’ll do much. he’s not violent but i feel like im walking on egg shells around him sometimes

Where is his mum? Dad? did they just give up on him ? Maybe he feels that rejection? A lot to unpack here...

His Mum is 30?
Where is she in this scenario?
He sounds depressed. Any SEN?
I’m so sorry you’ve got all this on your plate.

As PP has said there is a lot more to this. What contact has he had with his parents, how involved are they in his life? Has he had counselling to help him understand these family relationships and dynamics?

He doesnt see his mum or siblings, maybe occasionally at christmas but tbh my relationship with dd isn’t the best because she doesn’t like the truth that her relationship with his dad is toxic (still on/off even now) He hates when they come here and earlier this year our dog had to be put to sleep and he got very protective over the ashes and said that his siblings didn’t deserve to be upset because she was his dog not theirs. He doesn’t have any sen

He started seeing his dad when he was about 13 (first time they met) and his behaviour started slightly changing after but i don’t know if it was down to his dad or the start of puberty. He saw him sporadically then after an argument with me he decided he was living with his dad not me. He stayed with his dad for a few days until his dad brought him back saying he couldnt live with him but they could do things together but now grandson hates him. Hasnt seen him in a while but he did give him money in about april. But his dad attempted suicide and when grandson found out he didn’t care he just said he should try harder next time.

It’s hard i feel i’m the only person in his life but im really struggling especially the older he gets i just feel i’ve failed him and keep wondering if i shouldve done more

Bump

Gosh, I feel for you, but I think you have created a trap for yourself. You are under no obligation to house this underage youth. You have enough on your plate with your dd and new baby. I would talk to social services about him getting in a group home or similar.

So his mum gave birth to him at 13 and then what happened? You’ve skipped 17 years. Did she look after him or did you raise him as her sibling? Does she see him much?

I got the impression the 8week old is the 17yr old? X

Please don't blame yourself, it sounds like you are the only person in his life who has given him any stability. You've fed and clothed him and kept a roof over his head. And you've loved him, even when he is behaving in ways which are unloveable. You have done more than most people would.

I think you can't underestimate the effect of feeling rejected by his parents has had on him. It sounds like he has very significant mental health issues, which is not surprising. Even though he's 17, I would still speak to social services and ask them for support. I would speak to your GP too and ask for an urgent referral to your community mental health team. You need support. He may not have been violent towards you yet, but the fact that you feel like you're walking on eggshells means you fear he might if he lost his temper. That is no way for you to live.

Please reach out for some support and be prepared to push for it.

Are his siblings his full siblings ( mum and same dad?)
Even though you did your absolute sterling best for this young man when his own parents were children, you took him into your life full time and took responsibility and raised him.........the fact his mother kept the siblings with her, his young teenage brain is going to feel rejected and kicked in the teeth that " why didn't she keep me?"

He's obviously very hurt by his father and the death of the dog .
Exams and what he views as invasion of his privacy ( though he sounds like a manky little blighter)! were the last straw.

Loads of people are going to say " loose the WiFi". Is that doable?

You're in a tough place . Apparently mens brains don't mature till 30 ( my DS showed me a Mens Health article , so you have a bumpy ride!
What's his plans now ?

The daughter is 30, OP raised the kid after both parents discarded him entirely.

He's been badly traumatized by his birth parents, it's hard to come back from that. Has he had trauma based therapy throughout his life?

Who are you talking about OP, the baby who’s now grown or the father of the baby ?

It’s not that difficult to work out 🙄

His got to get a job. And pay rent. Is there any positive male figure in his life?

Well one sentence she says the baby is tiny but heathy the next she’s talking about someone smoking weed so yes it’s confusing .

I'm not surprised he's struggling.

His parents both sound absolutely shit, have completely abandoned him and his siblings have been raised totally different. (By the sounds of it, he's had the better option but it won't feel like it to him).

Has he ever had counselling because there's a hell of a lot of unprocessed emotions he hasn't dealt with.

You're the safe space and that's why you get the brunt of it. Unfairly but it's generally what happens.

Counsellung might also benefit you.

Sorry its not clear who is who. Can you clarify please OP?

^
💯
💐 for OP xx

There are Kinship Care and Special Guardian groups on Facebook which may be of help to you. 💐

After he was born dd did bits, she named him and when he got older (as in not a newborn and able to sit) she would play with him and feed him in his highchair, take him to the Park just them I did the most the day to day stuff because she went back to school eventually and she did calm down a bit until grandson was 2, and just after she turned 16 she got pregnant again (by his dad) she had an abortion but a few months later got pregnant again and moved out and i’ve pretty much raise grandson since. She doesn’t see him much and she’s said to me in the past she doesn’t see him as her child but she doesn’t try and get to know him in any way but I do think it’s too late because if she tried he wouldn’t be interested just how he is towards people now

His siblings are his full siblings which I know doesn’t help how he feels because i know he just resent them and feel more abandoned but he won’t talk to anyone how he feels. He was offered counselling at school but didnt really engage. i’m going to try the GP tomorrowbecause I am concerned about the self harm, when I was tidying his room I found tissues with blood on them and he said that he hadnt self harmed for ages but I don’t know how true it is because he’s always getting defensive

I have no idea what he’s going to be doing education wise in september either

The 17 yr old who is smoking weed etc is the OP's grandson, who her DD gave birth to 17 years ago and who the OP has raised. I think.

Sounds like you have an SGO. Did you have any support from school eg Early Help. What about SEND? He’s got low grades so any diagnosis or access arrangements? Finding bottle of urine isn’t unusual, and if he’s playing games and doing that could indicate some gaming addiction issues or even ADHD / neurodivergence.

DD got pregnant at 13 yo by her same age boyfriend.
OP takes the baby boy by way of a guardian ship into her life to raise.
Boy (Grandson)is now 17 yo and having many issues .
He seems to have sporadic contact with his mother, lived with his father when he was 13 but came back.
Mother has the grandsons younger siblings and an on/off relationship with the father.

Poor kid. No wonder he feels abandoned with his mum not seeing him as her own child. I understand she was so young when she had him but it’ll feel like such abandonment to him, especially when she kept his siblings. Like a pp has said you are his safe space and so he is taking it out on you. It sounds very hard. He sounds very traumatised by his mum and dad’s actions. He needs a lot of support and therapy really. The self harm is not good- you’re doing the right thing taking him to the GP. Would he be better getting a job instead of education in September? Maybe education is not for him.

Why are all kids in your life, that you're responsible for, ending up struggling so much? A 13 year old daughter getting pregnant and nobody notices, and a grandson who smokes weed, is disrespectful, unhygienic, fails school and is aggressive. What's going on in their life that they turn out like this? Where are their fathers?

It's a bit too late to try disciplining a 17 year old, but you do need to set firm boundaries. Maybe it's time for him to go stay with his actual parents?