Feel like I'm walking on egg shells in my own home

[CuddlyBears]

Some context

When my DD was 13 she got pregnant, she didn't really show at all and she was they thought 28/29 weeks gone. I still wonder how no one knew, not me, not her school, not anyone. DD’s behaviour had changed from the beginning of year 8, she was more snappy and moodier and honestly off the rails. I begged for help from school but nothing happened, she was excluded from school and we didn't have mum and daughter days anymore or anything

I wasn't even angry I was more shocked than anything. She was too far gone for an abortion. Prior to this nothing changed in her life to cause this she just fell into a trap after meeting her bf. He was the year above but only months older so nothing was done as they were both underage having sex and dd made it clear she wasn't coerced

She gave birth about 8 weeks after she found out and he was tiny but healthy and I've raised him since then, I got a guardianship order (i think that’s the name forgive me if not im exhausted).

I don’t want to make this thread long and unreadable so will reply to questions but his behaviour is awful tbh, he vapes and smokes weed often, steals alcohol, selfharms, is rude and disrespectful to me, he spends almost all of his time gaming on his PC and doesnt really go out. His room is disgusting the one time he did go out (the other week) I went in his room and found 2 bottles of his wee and when i confronted him later on and told him how disgusting it was he was just like “oh well you shouldn’t have gone in my room then”.

He got his gcse results this week and he already was in a terrible mood because i had woken him up to go get them. He came back and threw them at me unopened and went back to bed. He’s failed everything. He mostly got 1s and 2s but he also got a U it says he got 3 marks across 3 papers on that one.

He doesnt care, hes applied to a college but i dont know if he wants to do it or if he did it to shut me up. its also a level 2 which is going to be an issue. I tried calling school Friday and Thursday but nothing. Would college help? I feel at a loss.

He's been mostly ignoring me since but he asked me to help him tidy his room which I did but he had loads of clothes and I told him I'm not washing them all today (it was ALOT of clothes he hasn't brought down for weeks so I have left them as he didn't put them in his basket either and I wasn't picking them up off his floor) he shouted at me over it and said it's my job so I said I wasn’t helping him tidy up and he then threw a book at me (he says it wasn’t at me) because he’d taken everything off of his shelf and he was annoyed. He went for a “walk” and while he was out I did help him by finishing tidying putting everything back but it’s probably not organised how he would but I hoovered for him and changed his bedding etc. I found another bottle of his wee and when he got back he didn’t care at all he said he couldn’t bothered to go to the toilet when he was playing his game.

He stinks of weed but he swears blind he’s not smoked anything which he has.

• yes this is a repost and i’ve added extra my previous thread got hidden from active and MNHQ aren’t answering my emails

on my other thread people suggested asking social services for help but he’s 17 in a week i don’t know if they’ll do much. he’s not violent but i feel like im walking on egg shells around him sometimes

I commented on this on the last post and got my arse handed to me. But surely the time for getting him help and intervention was YEARS ago, not just because he failed his exams.

He's not been diagnosed with anything but sometimes I do wonder if he could be autistic but I don't know and I have mentioned it to him but he just gets defensive

Children’s services have a responsibility to support him, and by extension you, until he is 18 if there’s a safeguarding risk. Definitely make the call and while it’s unlikely he will remain open to them from a safeguarding point of view, they can give you advice and guidance and signpost you to support that is going to help him. If you think there’s a risk you might ask him to leave you can also tell them that and it might increase support for you. Ultimately though even with support, the change needs to come from you. What boundaries and consequences does he have now to motivate him to behave more respectfully?

he’s got significant abandonment issues. That’s bound to cause behaviour issues. What kind of behaviour and consequences did he have as a younger child? I feel like you’ve skipped 17 years of information here. How has it reached this point

Poor boy needs counselling. Urgently

Hi, I was on your earlier thread. I feel for both of you, you’ve both been through such a traumatic time.

I think you should self refer to social services tomorrow. Don’t allow them to fob you off with early help. Try to get him on a Child protection plan or child in need at minimum. You’re going to have to be super pushy, explain about the self harming. Labour the point. He needs help. The first stage is getting the right help quickly, the 2nd is getting he to take it.
There could be some negotiation between pc time and engagement.

if social service cant help with counselling then I’d start looking at private.

Can you get him involved with a gym or similar?

???

This is so sad. For all of you. Is he 16? I would ask social services for an assessment of his needs or of you as a family , see gp, find out if you can get him any counselling or any kind of support before he hits 18, this is too much but he clearly has issues. Maybe because of his estranged mum, maybe he’s inherited something she has, who knows, but you need professional support

This is such a tragic story. In my experience things don’t just magically improve when they go to college either. He needs professional intervention, it’s not too late but you will have to push

There is at least two children in this sorry tale who should have been taken into care a long time ago.

Hi @CuddlyBears I have raised a child in similar circumstances. The Local Authority have a duty of care towards this child, they would have to supply housing and support if you were not able.. Also, it’s little known( my local authority didn’t know), but children raised by Special Guardians are eligible for help from the Adoption Support Fund, specifically if the family relationships may break down. His behaviour is out of control and frightening. You do not have to put up with it. Please seek help.

I raised my ds and he isn't like this and never has been. Yes he had some typical moodiness as a teen but he was generally great and now has his own business and is living abroad in his gfs home country so it's not every child I raise.

I have tired to get him help in the past but there's nothing. He was referred to camhs probably a year ago maybe longer but we haven't had an appointment yet and the gp aren't very helpful I phoned today and they asked if I think he's a danger to himself right now and do take him to a&e if he is and said someone will phone me back but I don't feel too hopeful tbh.

When he was younger he was mostly well behaved but he did have consequences and I tried everything, giving him plenty of love, tough love, talking to him, turning the wifi is an issue as I wfh but I did at night and it just caused more issues and he was even more argumentative because he acted as if I did it to make him unhappy and not because I care about his sleep and he just talked to me even less

Good you deserved it.

You and the other poster would do well to show some compassion instead of your sneering judgment which does not help the OP, but I guess you don't care as long as you can kick the OP whilst she is down.

Sounds awful OP. You're doing your best. It sounds like he needs a stable adult male in his life.

Key sentence after “he was tiny but healthy” (notice the simple past tense?)

’Ove raised him since then’ - key sentence.

it’s obvious the surly teen and the previously tiny and healthy baby are the same person. HTH

So sorry OP - this sounds really hard and it is disappointing to read some of the unhelpful comments.
My first thought was CAMHS - and I can see you have possibly been referred. See if you can find their website and call one of the numbers - even if it is the wrong one for what you need - you need to be able to explain all this to someone as I do think he should be regarded as a priority. These kinds of MH struggles can often be seen in children in care - and they get a lot of support. Unfortunately children under an SGO can slip through the net as they may have equivalent trauma ( which is what this sounds like and is definitely not your fault) but the assumption is that as they are in the care of family, everything is fine - which it is clearly not for you.
You have done an amazing job and are clearly well
intentioned - and are unsurprisingly struggling with what to do next.
CAMHs is up to 18 in most areas.

Pester CAMHS until they provide help or specific advice about who can support your GSon - he needs support and so do you.
I also agree that you should make social services aware that you are struggling and ask what support they can offer.

My son has tried with him and still does when he visits but grandson isn't interested because they have nothing in common and his (grandson) opinion Is just because theyre family they don't have to talk for the sake of it
He was the same in school too he moved schools and made no new friends