AIBU to worry about my daughter's first serious relationship?

[Whattooooodooooo]

My DD17 is seeing an 18 year old boy who is looking likely to become her first proper boyfriend. He was 1 year above at her school (he has just left after taking his A Levels). I've not met him yet, as they have only been on 3 dates so far, however they message each other a lot when apart (they've both been on separate family holidays). I believe they consider themselves exclusive. When together, he listens to her attentively, appears to take a genuine interest in her, remembers what she's said in previous conversations, and treats her well when they're out together. I like what I'm hearing so far, especially about his family values. She's spoken to him about some of the MH issues troubles she's worked through over the last year, and although he was shocked, he was understanding and kind.

Here are my problems:

1. He's started offering to buy her shoes and items of clothing. She said she felt a bit uncomfortable about accepting, but that he persuaded her. She also said her best friend has said it's a common thing for boyfriends to do. I think it's too soon for all this. Although she agrees, she said that I make her anxious when I say this is too much. How would you speak to your DD about this sensitively?

2. She's entering Y13 next month. Y12 did not go fantastically due to her MH and lack of motivation. If she remains keen on this lad it will put pressure on her schedule. How shall I advise her on how to handle it?

3. I'm sensing that things will move quickly. We've previously spoken a few times about love, physical affection and sex, however during the heat of the moment those conversations may escape her mind! What should I say to her now about managing the physical side of their relationship? I'm bearing in mind she turns 18 in a few months, and don't want to be involved if I shouldn't be. (Note, I was in care in my teens, where nobody was bothered what I did, where I went, etc, so I find it difficult to judge these matters). TIA

YABU to be concerned. It's time to let her become an adult and make her own choices.

YANBU to have concerns. A 17 year old girl still needs guidance from her mum.

Are they clothes and shoes that she’s chosen/ mentioned she wants or is he trying to get her to dress a certain way?

I would find a bf surprising a gf with sandals he’d seen her admiring but said she couldn’t afford completely different to him buying her a manga cartoon esque school skirt and knee high socks that she’s never mentioned, for example.

Sorry but I wouldn't class 3 dates as a serious relationship.

Buying her expensive things after three dates is a bit odd. I think it sets up a bit of a power imbalance, you are right to advise her to be wary of that, especially as he is persuading her to accept them when she has told him she is uncomfortable about it.

I think that if you think this is going to turn physical that you should have a 2 point conversation first (a) has she thought about contraception, making sure they double up, will it be at your house? And so on. (b) How would she feel about getting over someone whilst in a really hard school year - yes he could be a support for her during this year, but he might also end up being a pile of heartache and drama, and she will be the one living it, so you can advise caution. Will she recognize and put an end to drama.

Sorry to hear about your teen years OP. Sounds like you're a fabulous mother ❤️.

The clothes thing is odd so soon and not for a birthday gift or similar. On that point I'd keep the tone light but agree that her first instinct was good and that no one should direct how she dresses. Chat through some ways to firmly say so no.. It might be a sweet gesture and attempt to treat her but could signal a controlling nature.

Well to be brutally honest if she ends up pregnant then what?

It is easy to say she is an adult but who will be having to sort all her problems if it all goes wrong

Just keep an eye on things and make sure she knows you’re there for her.
I don’t find buying clothes concerning per se, as long as his overall behaviour doesn’t seem controlling and he’s not buying very revealing things that your DD feels pressured to wear.

A chat around consent and feeling comfortable wouldn’t hurt, also about getting her sorted for contraception.

As for focusing on A level work, it is difficult in year 13 because they’re technically adults when they turn 18 but also you’re supporting her to be in full time education so I think it’s fine to still have school night curfews in place,
and if it gets to that stage you don’t have to allow sleepovers or you can limit to one weekend night only.

Yes, she mentioned she wanted flat shoes. He picked 3 options and offered to buy her the pair she likes best.

No, neither would I normally, but there's a feeling that things are heading that way too quickly for my liking. They're I constant contact when apart.

She finds the concept of the power inbalance difficult to grasp. I think it may be too abstract for her. She thinks he's being nice (and he is). I've probably not explained it to her at all well. I need to think and try again.

Well that's what I'm thinking. I'm just stuck at how to approach with the right tone.

They do seem to buy each other items of clothing these days so dont worry about that. Id just advise her not to accept any more "expensive" gifts. The odd bunch of flowers or bar of chocolate is fine. In terms of a levels. She will have to navigate. Again ,advise her to allocate certain days etc... in a week for studying/seeing her bf. Sex, again they are both over the age of consent. Get her to go to gp and get on the pill. Also be careful about being inflexible about him staying round. Its difficult. I was furious the first time it happened with one of my 3. My DH was more laid back. He said that at least she was safe. Under our roof and not having a shag in the car or down some alleyway.

She should concentrate on university now - and your worry about her bf should be viewed strictly through the prism of her future prospects - is he likely to sabotage her uni prospects or enhance her uni prospects? Is he supportive of her uni or going to add to this lack of motivation? Where is he going to uni? Would she want to follow him to his uni? Etc.etc.

At 17 I think you have to trust the work you've done so far means that you should be able to nudge. Enjoy them being happy and ask about her worries.

Technically adults? What utter bollocks! Adults pay for themselves and live in accommodation, which they bought for themselves. Adults, my arse. If she is under your roof, eating your food, using electricity you pay for, she is a child!

That sounds ok then as long as it’s not constant. I think phones and constant messaging makes young people think they’re more intimate with others than what they are. I’d actually rather they went on more dates than sat at home messaging where you’re missing a lot of the physical and visual cues that really helps you get to know someone.

I wouldn’t be allowing any sleep overs at that age and stage in life.

Id just let her know you're available to talk if she wishes, remind her about contraception, maybe get some leaflets, leave her to it..

Errr no, children become adults when they turn 18, yes most still need support at that age which is why I said “technically”, and also said the OP should still impose rules and curfews

Sorry, fuck that. My house, my money, my rules = child. Independent, own house, functioning normally - respect, equal relationship.

Does that make every stay at home mum/wife their husband's child?

My dd is 20, soon to be 21. She’s been seeing her boyfriend for 4.5yrs. After they’d been seeing each other for a few months, I asked her about contraception and offered to take her to a family planning clinic. I just said I wouldn’t encourage or discourage her, but for the purpose of contraception I’d be practical. I acknowledged she’d have emotions around it and that I’d leave her to bring those up if she felt she needed to and that I’d trust her to only do what she felt comfortable with and to stick to her own timeline. Her boyfriend is very astute academically so I didnt have those concerns as he encourages her to be the same, they’ve gone to the same university.

I really like this approach actually. I'd want to do similar. How awkward was it opening up that conversation?

When I saw that it was going to last and wasn’t just a passing thing, I just saw her in the kitchen one day and approached it casually, not making a big thing of it, she was very comfortable with it as we weren’t sitting down looking at each other. On the way to the clinic I reiterated the emotions bit, again not looking at each other so no need for her to be embarrassed. She was very mature about it. She went in to see the doctor on her own to discuss options and she has the implant. I do ask her about the relationship itself but her sex life is private which I respect.

You sound a very empathic and a great mum. You and she will be fine.

I had a boyfriend who liked buying me things. Who was attentive etc. I married him. Sometimes you get your "salmon" in your teens. I have friends who met in school, started dating in Y12 and have been together over thirty years now. I met DH when we were both 18. Kids can be very sensible about sex but accidents do happen. It would be mortifying for you to mention it though. When my Mum tried with me, sex wasn't even on the agenda yet!