DD wants to take a gap year due to her brother

[CrlmsonLeaf]

I have my ds (18) and dd (18)

So background-
My ds has struggled with his mental health ever since he was a teen. Things escalated after he was sexually assaulted by a boy from his college and nothing was done he was made out to be a liar. The police report went nowhere because no evidence. He has a diagnosis BPD also known as EUPD

He got sectioned May-August last year and he was sectioned again October-June this year and honestly they added much more trauma he isn't the same person he was, the 2nd section he developed pyschosis so he was on loads of meds. He was still self harming by hitting his head on a wall, he refused to let me visit him most of the time because he blamed me for everything. he was put on a 1:1 at all times. It was a nightmare. He was finally discharged in June and things were going well until he got unwell likely due to the heat and kept throwing up. When he got better he said he had been poisoned, he refused to eat and take his meds because they were poisoned in his head and that’s why he was unwell

He was sectioned again last month and he’s at a different hospital and he blames me and says it’s worse and I know how bad things where, at the start of the first section he was 16 so he was at a children’s inpatient hospital but this is an adult one now and they are treating him differently. He was being sick daily and they said it’s a behaviour but it turned out it was one of the tablets they were giving him making him sick

He was refusing me to visit him, when i tried he got super distressed and shouting at me etc so i stopped as it wasn’t worth it. DD visited him today and she has said she’s not seen him that bad, she’s visited him during his other sections but she said he’s usually a bit more himself by now but he wasn’t.

She said he was happy with her but there but he just seemed out of it and had his head down on the table and when DD went to tell them he didn’t feel very well they said they’d already checked him over and seemed really dismissive, he ended up throwing up again and she said they just seemed annoyed with him

She said he seemed a bit better after but he then got upset and begged her not to leave him when she had to go and he said “leave me then just like you always do”

DD is worried about him and has said she’s usually feels he’s safe when he’s in hospital but this time she doesn’t and she’s talking about taking a gap year She hasn't mentioned a gap year previously at all. She was excited last week after she got into her first choice uni. This is the first she's mentioned taking a year out after visiting him today.

Would you advise her against this? Or support?

I’d do everything in power to get my son back home with me

So her brother is really really struggling and she wants to take time out and your questioning it. I get that

She's going to go into a different place, a different situation. And her brother is in a really dark place at the moment

So she thrive at uni? Will she settle?

A year is a long time when you are 18. It may be for the best if she can explain her situation and defer for a year and go from a stable position where she feels happy to go

I would think that given the situation with her brother, she's not in the best frame of mind to be able to go to Uni, concentrate on studying and making new friends and socialising. If she wants to defer then I would trust her judgement. Going away to Uni is hard enough at 18 and many young people struggle with their mental health anyway. If she's so worried about her brother, she's not going to be enjoying Uni life.

I hope your son turns a corner soon and starts to feel better. If you're worried about aspects of his treatment, you could contact Mind for some advice and support.
www.mind.org.uk/

She may struggle to adapt to uni if she’s worried about her brother.

it sounds like a horrible situation for you all :(

Can you speak with someone at the hospital. Doesn’t sound like they are dealing with the situation well.

Different perspective - is she now perhaps feeling guilty (her life is progressing, his isn't) and she's looking to you for 'permission' to go?

This could be conscious or subconsciously.

ETA- sounds incredibly awful for your son, I hope someone has some good advice for you.

This will have affected her much more than you realise - can she do something else for a year that means she's closer to home and can visit? You'd all benefit from some family support; does your son have an IMHA, do you have carers' support? Some areas have support groups for siblings of people with mental health issues or mental illness. Do you feel able to say which county you are in? (Edited to add being sectioned can trigger psychotic symptoms)

I feel so much for all of you. What a heartbreaking thing to be going through. As twins, they obviously have a strong bond and what’s happening must be devastating for both of them. I wouldn’t necessarily discourage your daughter from taking a gap year, particularly if what is happening is taking a toll on her and might affect her ability to focus on her studies. But the main thing is that I think she needs therapy of her own to help her process any feelings of guilt or responsibility towards her brother so she can move forward with her life.

Your son is still very young and early in the process of understanding his condition. He has a loving family and in time, with the right medication and treatment plan, he will have the opportunity to build a life for himself.

The bar for being sectioned is very high. I’m going to assume he’s in hospital because otherwise he’d be dead or could have caused harm to others.

Ridiculous comment. The poor young man is very unwell and needs to be in hospital He wouldn't be safe at home and chances are neither would his family.

Your poor daughter, she must feel so torn. But her brother is not her responsibility and she needs to make provisions for her life and future. Well done to her for getting into uni!

I’m in 2 minds OP.

If she does have a gap year I’d worry it would be a year of moping about and trying to pick up the pieces for her brother. But his situation sounds incredibly complex and unlikely to improve dramatically. Atleast it doesn’t seem like your DD being around more is likely to make a big difference to his overall situation.

Shes probably better off getting away to uni and having some fun away from all this.

She’ll worry about him and I’m sure what to be there for him either way. But it doesn’t seem fair for it to take over her life too.

OP you're in AIBU; I have two young adult DDs and one has a serious mental illness, I've seen the toll it has taken on her sister. I'm also involved in a number of parent carers' groups where their young adult DC have psychosis and are on section. Most people want a person who has been sectioned to remain so, and most will want to say your daughter should be discouraged from her plan, and most will say these things without any idea of what either situation involves, so please do get advice from Mind about both your DCs' situations.

...and he said “leave me then just like you always do”...

This is not OK.

Your daughter needs to be encouraged to carry on with her life, go to Uni, progress, and do what she wants to do, not be worrying about her brother to the extent that she feels she needs to take a gap year.

I think it could be a bit of guilt as she celebrated both their 17th and 18th birthdays without him and he’s been sectioned for a year in total whilst dd has been seeing friends/studying for her exams/driving lessons etc and just been a teen and as she should and she shouldn’t feel guilty about it

But she hadnt mentioned anything about a gap year until she saw him today so I don’t know if it’s just a reaction from seeing him but she was worried about him when usually she knows that being there is the safest place for him but she said she doesnt feel he is safe especially after they brushed her off and then seemed annoyed that he was sick and they’ve previously said to me it was a behaviour as in he was purposely doing it but dd said that today wasn’t the case and he’s never done it before. They said after to me it was likely a reaction/side effect to some of the medication but it’s still happening so they must still be giving it to him 3 weeks later. I’ll have to call them but im struggling with that because they say they’ll pass it on and get back to me but rarely do

I do have a meeting next week though for his care as it’s almost the end of his section 2 but it’s highly likely he’ll be given a section 3 and I already dread him finding out. He hates me already which he’s made clear because I lied to him before his appointment and said he wouldn’t be sectioned again because it was the only way to get him to go

I just feel torn between wanting to do what’s best for both of them which is difficult when they both need very different things, I’d take the baby stage any day

I'd encourage her to go. What if it happens again next summer? There's a good possibility, I have 2 family members with serious MH issues and they have been sectioned several times. I really don't think your DD can do anything for him either, I've bent over backwards trying to help people but I've realised when it's that severe only the right medication is going to get them stable and then psychology. We seem to hold this responsibility for managing someone's mental illness in a way we wouldn't for a physical health problem. Probably because we think when we've felt a bit low friends and family have helped cheer us up, but serious mental illness isn't like that, it requires medical intervention.

You will also know yourself how heartbreaking and draining it is to care for someone who is mentally ill. I'd want to shield my DC from that as much as possible. Your DD needs to go and live her own life.

As advice goes, that's about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

OP, I'd be encouraging her to go. Her brother is likely going to be a responsibility for her throughout her life. She needs to understand she can be selfish, that she can put herself first.

It sounds like your son is very unwell and this is unlikely to be resolved quickly. Your daughter needs to live her life. Could you talk to her about it, try and find out her reasoning? Reiterate that he is in the safest place for him currently.

Do you think she might benefit from therapy- it must be exceptionally hard to have a sibling so close in age (twins?) who is struggling so much and must have taken over a lot of family life. Would therapy help her make sense of the situation and how
to deal with any guilt?

I’d do everything I could to help your daughter succeed in the world and not have two people’s lives ruined by your son’s mental illness. It’s not her responsibility. Her responsibility is to live as best she can

So right!!!!!

This

Yes, this 100%!

OP ignore comments from the lucky people that have not experienced a child with severe MH illness

What happened to the previous thread?

Your DD will be experiencing something that many young adults won’t understand, it can be extremely isolating, destabilising and scary. Let her stay home, but only for a year and in that time encourage her to go to counselling or join a Rethink siblings group so she’s got time to process all of this and understand how she’s going to cope once she’s away from home.

I was in your DD’s situation but went to uni and had no support or even acknowledgment from my parents about the worry and anxiety it caused me, to the point I ended up with my own mental health problems.

It sounds like you’re all going through a lot, it won’t hurt just to pause for a year.

We went through all of this with my brother who has schizoid affective disorder. The poisoning, the suspicion that you are against him, the blame are all symptoms of his paranoia. He perceives he is being badly treated but in all honesty he probably isn't and you are seeing it all from his warped perspective because you have no other.
Please arrange a meeting with his psychiatrist for you and your daughter, preferably without your son there so you can both talk openly about your concerns. This helped our family enormously.
It's so very very hard. Your daughter must do what she feels is right for her and she may see things differently if she can talk to the hospital.
Please inbox me if you need any support from someone who has been exactly in your family's shoes and actually still is.
Much love to you all

OP if he's going to get a section 3 you need advice immediately, are you his designated Nearest Relative? Does he have access to an IMHA? Are your DC twins, in which case this will be even harder for DD?

Have you had any advice and support from any charity or agency at all?