DD wants to take a gap year due to her brother

[CrlmsonLeaf]

I have my ds (18) and dd (18)

So background-
My ds has struggled with his mental health ever since he was a teen. Things escalated after he was sexually assaulted by a boy from his college and nothing was done he was made out to be a liar. The police report went nowhere because no evidence. He has a diagnosis BPD also known as EUPD

He got sectioned May-August last year and he was sectioned again October-June this year and honestly they added much more trauma he isn't the same person he was, the 2nd section he developed pyschosis so he was on loads of meds. He was still self harming by hitting his head on a wall, he refused to let me visit him most of the time because he blamed me for everything. he was put on a 1:1 at all times. It was a nightmare. He was finally discharged in June and things were going well until he got unwell likely due to the heat and kept throwing up. When he got better he said he had been poisoned, he refused to eat and take his meds because they were poisoned in his head and that’s why he was unwell

He was sectioned again last month and he’s at a different hospital and he blames me and says it’s worse and I know how bad things where, at the start of the first section he was 16 so he was at a children’s inpatient hospital but this is an adult one now and they are treating him differently. He was being sick daily and they said it’s a behaviour but it turned out it was one of the tablets they were giving him making him sick

He was refusing me to visit him, when i tried he got super distressed and shouting at me etc so i stopped as it wasn’t worth it. DD visited him today and she has said she’s not seen him that bad, she’s visited him during his other sections but she said he’s usually a bit more himself by now but he wasn’t.

She said he was happy with her but there but he just seemed out of it and had his head down on the table and when DD went to tell them he didn’t feel very well they said they’d already checked him over and seemed really dismissive, he ended up throwing up again and she said they just seemed annoyed with him

She said he seemed a bit better after but he then got upset and begged her not to leave him when she had to go and he said “leave me then just like you always do”

DD is worried about him and has said she’s usually feels he’s safe when he’s in hospital but this time she doesn’t and she’s talking about taking a gap year She hasn't mentioned a gap year previously at all. She was excited last week after she got into her first choice uni. This is the first she's mentioned taking a year out after visiting him today.

Would you advise her against this? Or support?

What an emotional a difficult time for a young 18 year old woman to have to go through,your poor son too my heart absolutely goes out to him and you as well op.

Your son absolutely sounds very similar to me at that age,I was sectioned under the mental health act,first section 5 (2) which is and emergency holding section,then section 2,which is 28 days then they put me on section 3 for six months at the end of that they renewed it again.

It sounds like not much has changed in the mental health services,I completely understand they need to keep him safe and that has to be the number 1 priority but to just medicate people up and not have any therapeutic interventions and group therapy is not helpful to someone's recovery.

I was diagnosed with chronic post traumatic dress disorder, EUPD, anxiety and depression and adjustment disorder, like your son I was making absolutely no progress in the end op my family pulled me out of that hospital and literally had to pay thousands and thousands to send me to a private hospital where I was able to start therapy and attend groups I was making steady progress.

When I did make a lot of progress I was slowly given leave first a few hours at a time,they overnight leave and then weekends.on discharge,I was given a community psychiatric nurse,my one on one therapy was set up, sadly not many people can afford to go private but it still upsets me that thousands of people are sitting on pysch wards up and down the country not getting the care they deserve.

I hope he makes progress,please keep us informed my thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

Your son remains sectioned for a reason.
Can you obtain a second opinion on his treatment and a review of his medication? Does he need investigation/camera/ tests into common conditions that cause reflux - Helicobacter etc.

Your DD needs to fly away to uni. Staying visiting DB could bring on depression. She does not need the burden. Send DB uplifting letters and cards.

I would encourage her to go to uni. It sounds like the situation with her brother is desperately sad. It also sounds like there’s a chance that things would be in a similar situation next year (obviously hopefully not).

A gap year with a plan to work/travel etc then yes maybe, a gap year trying to help her brother with very serious mental illness, I’d be keen to discourage if I could. So sorry OP.

I would strongly advise you to make sure your dd goes to university and then while she's there try and shield her from any bad stuff happening with her brother.
Your dd needs havd her own life and to not feel she is responsible for her brothers happiness.
The situation with your ds sounds like a living nightmare OP x

You know your DD.

Is she the type of person to worry a lot? If so then that is no way to start uni.

She has got her first choice, it will still be there in a year.

She needs to go. She is not responsible for him. His health issues are not her fault. She can't fix him.

The comment about "leave me like you always do" is normal for mentally ill people. When he was well he wouldn't want her to miss uni for him, he's unwell, he doesn't blame her and he doesn't expect her to put her life on hold for him.

He will most likely be ill for a long time. There's no guarantee he'll be fine by this time next year. She could give up her whole life for her ill brother and it won't make a jot of difference.

She needs to go. And you need to reassure her that you are responsible for him and you will oversee his care.

As someone who had a sibling with severe mental health issues I would encourage your DD to go to UNI because he will always have mental health issues, he will need support his whole life if she doesn’t go now there will always be an excuse as to why she can’t because of her brother.

Op I would treat this as any other request for a gap year- fine if she has something useful lined up. Is she going to volunteer/ travel? If she just wants to work and be at home I would probably say no.