AIBU to consider leaving my husband despite fears about finances and care?

[Cheesetoastie93]

I’m thinking of leaving my dh, married for 8 years, 3 kids. But I’m terrified of the financial impact. He works full time (we do still get help from Universal Credit), but I’m a carer as my children are autistic. My oldest is starting a special college soon which is great, my middle has mental health issues which creates burnout and sleep issues aswell as multiple appointments, and my youngest has just started specialist school and needs a lot of prompting to attend. There’s no after school facilities and they’re unable to be left alone after school if I was working, and I have no family to rely on. I’m honestly terrified of getting judged for being another single parent just living on benefits.

I’m thinking of leaving due to him having no involvement in family life, outings, housework, cooking etc yet expecting sex, grabbing my body at inappropriate times, telling me he’s the ‘leader of the pack’. The thought of having sex with him actually destroys me. When he’s not at work he’s lying on the sofa watching shorts or playing video games.

Do you own or rent?

Is he their father?

He sounds vile. Lbt and claim cms and benefits (UC, dla etc).

@BillHadersLeftEye we rent.
@cestlavielife sorry should have mentioned father to youngest

I mean he’s working a just above minimum wage job I’d actually be better off on benefits?

What?

Register with your council. Single UC claim. Its very doable -left a similar man myself

It’s the judgement though isn’t it. I feel like just a scrounger but I’d love to work for my own mental health. I feel like I owe it to everyone to keep working at it just so I don’t have to ‘leech off the government ‘

find a job which fits in with school hours.

@Budgiedrama I have been looking at domestic and lunchtime supervision jobs but at the end of the day I’ll still be struggling money wise.

Please don't worry about what anyone else thinks you aren't a scrounger you are a carer which is one of the hardest most thankless jobs in the world, do not stay in an unhappy marriage because you're worried about that, you will be able to receive benefits and child maintenance from the father.

Are you getting any money or support from the father of the older two?

You cannot control what other people think whether you stay in your marriage or leave, and you shouldn't even try.

Yes, there may be some people who think you are a scrounger, but so what?
Equally, there may be others who think you're daft for staying in a marriage where you are not happy.

You cannot please everyone. So do what is right for you!
Dont live your one precious life being controlled by what other people think or what you imagine they think.

Please don't worry about the judgement of others. Nobody knows what it's like to walk in your shoes. Claiming benefits as a single mother of disabled children isn't something to be ashamed of. You can look for term time work - when my children were younger, I did a course in youth work and worked in a PRU which fitted in well. I wasn't single but my DH worked away all week so all the childcare was down to me. You could also look into being a Learning Support Assistant - your knowledge of autism would be useful in this role.

So long as you’re renting, with disabled children you will probably be much better off with more help than you get now. You can also earn quite a bit before you have any deductions. Have a look at entitled.to to see what you’d get.

Helping people get out of a difficult situation and back on their feet seems a pretty great use of benefits to me.

You are not ‘leeching off the government’, you are someone with high caring demands and if you weren’t there the government would be paying a hell of a lot more money to care for those children.

You cannot ‘work on it’ with a man like this. He clearly has no interest in making the bare minimum effort in the day to day, he’s hardly capable of the deep and involved work of counselling and repairing the relationship.

Get out and you might retain enough confidence and sense of self to eventually be able to go back to work once your kids are older. Stay and you’ll just become increasingly demoralised.

Yes, look at this silly woman who thinks raising three kids costs money. All you need is love, ya know.

He sounds awful, I wouldn't care what others think, you're doing a much harder job than many who work full time in being a carer. Honestly financially you should be fine. I've got a friend who is a part time TA earning a minimal amount (her oldest is AhDhd) and just left her abusive partner. I helped her do her budget and with UC and CMS from him she's ok, not rolling in it but she can afford uniform and birthday/Christmas presents and a cheap UK holiday once a year. She's also infinitely happier......

Ive read many threads on here where its all about money.

You both might be happier. When you split, he will only have to support one child, and on minimum wage, that will be minimal.

A couple of stinking misogynists on this thread I see.

The misogynists don’t bother me in the slightest. I would say DH isn’t much better.

Money to survive? Feed the children and to provide safety?

She’s a carer, I’m sure that you read the op? Of course she’s worried about how she would cope financially! Anyone would!

Poor men, having women expecting them to commit to their marriage and children! To be the good husbands that they said they would be on their wedding day! Bless them!