AIBU to not want my son around his mum’s boyfriend?

[jamievar]

Hope it’s ok for me to post here, I don’t know where else to get advice.

i have a little boy aged 3 who lives with me and my partner half the time, and half the time with his mum and her boyfriend.

her Boyfriend calls my son stuff like whiny baby to his face in a joking way, but I don’t think it’s funny.

he also tried to take his own life on my son’s last day of nursery when he was excited to be going to big school. his mum left my son with me for 4 weeks as she said it was too much for her boyfriend to be around him.

today he told me in conversation that her boyfriend tells him to shut up and it made him cry.

his mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship, we split before we even knew she was pregnant. I know if I mention something it’ll be turned against me, or made out I’m jealous or whatever. I just don’t want my son around him. Social services were involved after his suicide attempt and they said no unsupervised contact but I don’t want him around my son at all

You need to seek legal advice about going for full custody..

No you can't dictate who your baby's mother has a relationship with. The person would need to be a serious safeguarding risk for you to have any say about them spending time with your child while they're in their mother's custody.

Would you expect your ex to be able to control your relationships?

That's not to say he sounds nice but you don't have to like him or even speak to him.

I’d question how his mum can truely be supervising boyfriend if he lives there - and if she chooses to remain in a relationship with a man who can’t have unsupervised contact with her child, how she can be considered able to recognise the risks he poses.

In your shoes I’d be considering a court application to change the arrangements based on the recommendations from social care and that mum can’t prioritise his safety if she maintains this relationship.

Social care have assessed he isn’t allowed unsupervised contact with OP’s son - how is that not demonstrating he poses a safeguarding risk?

I would go to court and get custody. She doesn't give a shit shes putting her partner before your child. I would refuse to hand him back if theres no court order at the moment and change his doctors etc to your address.

Yabu at all. She sent her child to you for 4 weeks, so she didn't see her own son for 4 weeks to prioritise her boyfriend? Terrible.

They do sound like a safeguarding risk and just the sort of scenario which has frequently ended in tragedy. Not sure I would trust that a mother with such bad judgement may not leave her toddler alone with this man who nay lash out.

Go to court for full residency as your sons mother can’t be trusted to prioritise her child over her boyfriend.

If someone was insulting and upsetting my kid, I not only have the right, but the duty, to keep them away. So should OP.

Speak to a solicitor and apply for full custody. Also speak to social services again and tell them that this man has been verbally abusive to your son. It's your job to protect your little boy so be robust and don't back down.

My mum has told me to be cautious about what I believe of what he says, but I truely believe he is telling the truth.

do I approach his mum? Or straight to social service?

OP can dictate who is allowed to be around their son, if this person is verbally abusive towards him - he's 3 years old! If his own mother won't protect him from verbal abuse, and possibly worse, then it's absolutely the OPs responsibility to do so.

Do you want full custody? Or do you not want the boyfriend around? Two quite separate considerations.

I just don't see how they can? Unless they can prove they're a danger. Or want to try and go down the legal route.
I can't blame them for not being happy with her choice of partner but they have little influence over that side of things.

Neither. You can make an application to court for a child arrangements order so that he lives with you full time, they will decide what level of contact his mother can have. You need to get some legal advice

It's not custody in this country. It would be an application to vary the child arrangements order if there is one. If not, a straight application for one if it doesn't. Cafcass would usually do a report if there are safeguarding concerns.

I think there is a serious question about the no unsupervised contact. Is there a court order or is that just a recommendation from as? I've not had involvement with them so I don't know how that works. It would indicate to me that he should not be living at the property? She can't supervise 24/7. What about when she's in the toilet or bath or asleep? Or does it just mean she is in the house?

Get legal advice and speak to ss.

I would put your concerns in an email. Start a papertrail and get a response from the mother.

You could ask MN to move this to legal perhaps for better advice?

I really feel for you OP. Can you get some expert advice from somewhere

This.

• Go for a Child Arrangements Order.
• Be sure to have your reasons and evidence/proof in order.
• Also have evidence of how involved you already are in your sons life and how his mother also sees you as a safe place for your child..the 4 weeks she left him with you as one case in point.

100% go to court and get full custody.
your child’s mother is prioritising herself and her boyfriend over her own child!
boyfriend is already verbally abusing and bullying your son.

Go to court and seek full custody

⬆️

Yes, we’d all love dads who step up to the mark and protect your children, like you’re doing. Absolutely raise your concerns as he sounds awful. The very least that can happen is no change but at least you will have tried and had it recorded. Best wishes with it. My partner got full custody of his 3 children due to the feckless behaviour of a useless mother and she didn’t improve.

Thanks everyone. My partner has found some details of a family solicitor so we will make an appointment to go. I have been keeping a logg of all incidents since his birth.. missed pick ups, nappy rash and full nappies, etc

ive spoken to my son but don’t want to push him. I’ve asked why did he shout at you and he told me it’s cuz he was playing with his Lorries. I asked does daddy tell you to shout up, my partner, my mum ect. And he said no to everyone except his mums partner

You need a solicitor.

is the boyfriend living in the house during her parenting time? She can’t be supervising every second as it’s just not physically possible for one person to do for hours on end.

Do all you can to keep the boyfriend from your child. Good that you are seeking legal advice. Stay so vigilant. Trust your instincts, sadly we know all too well how this can end.