AIBU to not want my son around his mum’s boyfriend?

[jamievar]

Hope it’s ok for me to post here, I don’t know where else to get advice.

i have a little boy aged 3 who lives with me and my partner half the time, and half the time with his mum and her boyfriend.

her Boyfriend calls my son stuff like whiny baby to his face in a joking way, but I don’t think it’s funny.

he also tried to take his own life on my son’s last day of nursery when he was excited to be going to big school. his mum left my son with me for 4 weeks as she said it was too much for her boyfriend to be around him.

today he told me in conversation that her boyfriend tells him to shut up and it made him cry.

his mum is difficult and we never had a good relationship, we split before we even knew she was pregnant. I know if I mention something it’ll be turned against me, or made out I’m jealous or whatever. I just don’t want my son around him. Social services were involved after his suicide attempt and they said no unsupervised contact but I don’t want him around my son at all

I’m so glad you will step up for your son and protect him. I don’t want to alarm you, but having a non biological parent in the home is a big risk factor for physical harm for kids, so you are right to jump on this now. Don’t let yourself get ground down by the process your ex - just quietly get on with getting custody.

Your poor wee guy. I also wanted to say if you are worried that there might be more worries he has or he hadn’t told you everything, play therapy can be great for kids in these situations. To them they are just having fun with lots of toys, but the therapist will help draw out if them their worries or concerns. I’m not in the UK so can’t recommend anyone im
sorry but wanted to mention it.

It's a massive red flag that you have been keeping a log of so called incidents since your son's birth. My ex used to do that to bully and harass me and tell me what a bad mother I was and how he was going to go to court to get custody.

Things like nappy rash and full nappies are just what happen when you are caring for a baby.

You know, my husband’s stepfather was horrible to him, chiding him for normal child behaviour, making him feel small and miserable and generally disapproved of and his mum did not protect him. My husband still thinks back to this time frequently and it has had a profound impact on his life. My husband is now in his mid sixties. Luckily (and very unusual for the time) his dad got full custody of him in court and took him away from that horrible man. Do what you can for your child.

You need to see a solicitor for real advice on this. You cannot control who she has in her life. You can ask for full custody legally and present your case.

" Social services were involved after his suicide attempt and they said no unsupervised contact but I don’t want him around my son at all"

Unless this is a lie, I would report to social services. If they really said this, they already have serious misgivings about this man's conduct around children. They might well want to control the contact this man has with children further in the light of what he had said to your son.

You need full custody and you need to let school know

Oh behave. There’s clearly background here where the ops felt the need to record any incidents with his son, that’s what you’re supposed to do. And it’s funny that completely independent of anything the op has done, social services is now involved with his ex and her exes partner and deemed him a safeguarding risk to the child. Why the fuck is the mum allowing her child to be bullied and verbally abused by this man? Plus the abandoning her son for a month to take care of her new fuck buddy. 0-5 is a crucial time of a child’s development that will affect his entire life, and he’s being screwed up by his mum and her fucked up partner

He’s not trying to control who she has a relationship with, what a weird answer, he’s trying to control who is round his son to ensure his safety

@BillieWiperdid you even read the OP ffs? Safeguarding risk - tick!!

nappy rash with overnight nappies isn’t what happens to 3 year olds. And being dropped off with a nappy full of poo at 3pm isn’t normal.

Why would I lie. He attempted suicide by trying to hang himself in the living room when my child was on his way to their house. No unsupervised contact was ordered by social services and she said he wouldn’t be alone with him.

Sorry I wrote that as I was thinking about some of the very strange threads on Mumsnet recently... what I mean is that I think that this man is already on no unsupervised contact and now is trying to say mean things to a child even with supervised contact, I reckon they might order no contact fairly easily!

It really doesn’t come across from the op that they’re trying to dictate and control her relationships, it sounds like he has a genuine safe guarding concern for his child,

I think if it's a safeguarding risk he should've reported it already. The fact he hasn't made me think there wasn't enough evidence.

Are you seeking full custody?

I think if OP’s son is telling that the mother’s new and clearly unstable boyfriend is being unkind to him and making him cry he has every right to try to protect his small son from that. Who else has the boy got to protect him.

YANBU OP and in your shoes I’d be trying for full custody.

Yeah I agree on that. It's more I felt there wasn't much he could do.

I would be extremely concerned about a 3yr old being around a man who has attempted suicide and was verbally abusing him. Full nappies when he's dropped off to you is a red flag for general neglect too.
YANBU. Poor baby.

You’ve had good advice here.

you need to call social services again and do a child arrangement order.

A verbally abusive jealous stepfather with suicidal ideation is a pretty terrifying prospect. Take legal advice and involve social work

this man sound unstable and if you think their is a risk to your son, i would contact social services again. all be it under a false name so you do not get agg from the mother and just say they have contacted you as well. personally if he has attempted suicide and he talks to him in this way i do not think he should be around your son. i would go for full custody but i dont know your circumstances

If you don’t currently have a CAO and you don’t feel he’s safe there - he’s clearly not - can’t you just keep him and leave it up to his mum to make the legal effort to get him back? It sounds like there’s a good chance she might not bother if she’s so distracted by the arsehole man she’s dating.

Is there a health visitor you could speak to for advice?
You're doing a great job looking out for him

It is much much easier to change a custody agreement if you’re already doing the new custody pattern and the court is just formalising it.

So, given that mum was happy to leave him with you for 4 weeks before, I’d start by saying something like:

How’s DP getting on with his stress? Just so you know my work hours have changed a bit, so I could have DS a bit more for a while if that helped DP’s recovery?

She might say “Yes please, have him 2 extra nights a week” in which case take it and get him into a routine of it before you think about court…

Rubbish. The boyfriend is clearly vile and potentially dangerous.

My DS1 had a bout of nappy rash when he was a baby. No three year old should have nappy rash. OP is right to be documenting this because his child is at risk.