Financial help to wider family.

[GuiltyRich]

DH and I have worked really hard all our lives and have always lived quite sensibly, I wouldn't say frugally but more camping holidays in France than big trips to Disney.
We both grew up really poor. We are retired with the mortgage paid (our house is worth around £800k), we have a couple of hundred thousand in savings and a decent monthly allowance from defined contribution pensions (not much short of what we were earning when working).
Our kids are financially independent and also very sensible, no worries there.
The problem is our extended families on both sides are financially struggling. Over the years they have spent their cash on living well! eg; cars, amazing holidays and the latest tech. Their children have the same outlook and there are debts and CCJs in the mix.
My brother in law's family are really struggling to the point of being on the verge of losing their home. The thing is no one really knows our financial position at all.
Would you offer to help out or would you just remain quiet? We are fairly close to both sides of the family and it's killing a little bit of me not to offer to help. But if we help one side we'll have to help the others and then our little best egg that we worked so hard for will be gone.
Selfishly, I love the peace of mind that goes with financial security but I hate the guilt.

The value of your house is irrelevant unless you're going to sell it to give them money and your savings may sound a lot but they won't go far if either of you needs to go in a care home. Remember charity begins at home so keep quiet and enjoy your life.

Apols, not rtft so this may have been mentioned.
Are you expecting them to pay you back? If so, then lending them the money has the potential to ruin your relationships when they can't/won't pay it back.
If not, then there is the potential they will continually ask for help.

And, as others have said, they may spend any money on things you never would. That would leave a bad taste in my mouth - it could in yours.

The thing is no one really knows our financial position at all

Just as well

It's clear from your description that the financial mess is the result of their own choices, and they're unlikely to change if you give money ... as a PP said they'll just have more to waste, and waste it they almost certainly would

I'd certainly help out with links to budgeting/debt advice organisations if it comes to it, but strongly suspect this isn't what they'd want

So rather than help to stop them losing an unaffordable house which would be a stop gap and mean more help would be necessary next month but if they were struggling to find the money for a one off deposit or upfront rent for example I'd consider helping as a loan or a gift to help them get back on their feet but it would be case by case and not let on how comfortable it would be for make that payment.

@Superscientist I agree. If they're on the verge of losing their house, they must be in serious mortgage arrears and possibly other debt. Don't get drawn into that mess @GuiltyRich, but if you want to make a one-time gift or loan to help them start afresh, that's more manageable.

Did they share the good times either you? Pay for outings, holidays and other celebrations?

if they did then it’s fair enough to share your retirement savings. Otherwise … just don’t.

Once they realise they have you to bail them out of their bad decisions the hand outs will never, ever end. And bad feelings will grow when you start to say no. Don't do it. Be an ear to listen to their woes, sure. Don't give them money though and don't talk about your own financial position to them.

If you're worried about the futures of nieces and nephews, I'd be tempted to set up a fund to help them with uni fees or a house deposit. I wouldn't want to give my hard -earned money to siblings who have lived the high life and not been mature about finances.

Do not give them money. Do not talk about money. They’ll find their own way, don’t worry.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. They had the opportunity to build up a nest egg etc, but wasted their money on cars etc. The chances are that if you give them money, it will be spent on another holiday. How would you feel then?

If they’re anything like my family they’ve probably speculated about your financial situation. I made the mistake of helping my brother out and I’m still doing it. A combination of losing a business during Covid, no savings, and a disabled wife. I don’t think I would do it again.

When we were all much younger I did a lot of treating of relatives like weekends away and lunches out though I did buy some white goods and medicines.

We are known to be better off but no one really knows how much, it will be far more than they think, it’s more than we expected if honest. Keep quiet. DH sister is like that, she earns and spends and I expect her to have a retirement if she gets one where she is living on gruel. I have told DH I will divorce him if he assists her. She spent loads on drugs and partying, many thousands and she earned well.

You are not cash poor in the least but most of your money is tied up in your home, you live in it. It’s not money till liquidated if you move and you still need somewhere to rest your head then or in death. At that point all worries are over.

No. Stay out of it. You sound comfortably off but not rolling in it.