Financial help to wider family.

[GuiltyRich]

DH and I have worked really hard all our lives and have always lived quite sensibly, I wouldn't say frugally but more camping holidays in France than big trips to Disney.
We both grew up really poor. We are retired with the mortgage paid (our house is worth around £800k), we have a couple of hundred thousand in savings and a decent monthly allowance from defined contribution pensions (not much short of what we were earning when working).
Our kids are financially independent and also very sensible, no worries there.
The problem is our extended families on both sides are financially struggling. Over the years they have spent their cash on living well! eg; cars, amazing holidays and the latest tech. Their children have the same outlook and there are debts and CCJs in the mix.
My brother in law's family are really struggling to the point of being on the verge of losing their home. The thing is no one really knows our financial position at all.
Would you offer to help out or would you just remain quiet? We are fairly close to both sides of the family and it's killing a little bit of me not to offer to help. But if we help one side we'll have to help the others and then our little best egg that we worked so hard for will be gone.
Selfishly, I love the peace of mind that goes with financial security but I hate the guilt.

It’s up to you. But whatever you hand over….don't expect it to ever come back to you.

It wouldn’t be a loan, because it would never be repaid. So whatever you give would be a gift effectively.

Do you really want to hand over £££££s for it to be spent on fancy cars and holidays?

I'd stay quiet.

They sound irresponsible as a group.

If you help one once, then you become their safety net. They won't suddenly change their ways and start being responsible; they'll just see you as a resource.

Then the others find out you have disposable income and a kind disposition, and then you're Gather Christmas all year round.

And you'll end up on the receiving end of continual begging, and falling-outs if you don't keep the donations flowing.

For a peaceful life, and peace of mind, let them get on with it.

Don’t do it

Don’t give them money.

Good god no. Do not share. If you do, I can guarantee that it will change nothing for them. They will just spend the money on something that you have probably denied yourself as too expensive and not necessary. And then once they are back in same bad financial place they will be harassing you for more. Just no. Keep your well earned and saved for money and enjoy a worry free retirement. Keep quiet. Your business is none of theirs.

You'll be throwning good money after bad and you'll open the floodgates - everyone else will start asking too.

I get the impression that you are still going to do it so if you do, make sure you cap it. For example, you win £10k on a stratch card etc. and make it very clear, when it's gone, it's gone.

I would mostly stay quiet but maybe have think about situations where you might step in.

My partner and I earn have had a higher household income than our siblings as we were both in decent roles and they have a single or one decent earner/ one lower earning couples. We are also more frugal so we have a lot more savings.

I have loaned one sister money on a couple of occasions. Once a family member shafted her and booked something non refundable that she had told them she couldn't afford but would have liked to do. The second time was an ill timed vet bill and was short notice. I'd offered her the first time and she came to me the second. They were relatively small amounts and were repaid promptly. The 3rd time was more significant and it was to help her buy a house. She was a bit short on a deposit after the bank offered a different mortgage to the mortgage in principle. She had already committed money to the sale of the house, sold hers and broken the chain. She has terrible taste in men and the arseholes BF at the time offered her the money. I offered to loan her money instead and we agreed a repayment plan. It took her 2 years to pay me back and she paid me the interest I could have earned if I put it into a fixed account for 2 years. I couldn't afford for her to not pay me back but it was money that I didn't need in a 2-4 year time frame. I was optimistic that she could afford to repay in 2y and if not 3y would have been very doable. I couldn't 32stand by and have my sister be locked into a commitment with another controlling man having seen how hard it had been for her to extract herself from her abusive marriage. She hasn't asked for any money since, now about 6+ years ago.

I would offer support to allow my siblings to have a roof over their heads and food on the table. I'm not going to support and unsustainable lifestyle or permit abuse but if they find themselves needing support to restart a life I'm there. So rather than help to stop them losing an unaffordable house which would be a stop gap and mean more help would be necessary next month but if they were struggling to find the money for a one off deposit or upfront rent for example I'd consider helping as a loan or a gift to help them get back on their feet but it would be case by case and not let on how comfortable it would be for make that payment