AIBU to be upset my OH resents doing childcare while I’m ill?

[Lollipop20]

Been bed bound for 4 days with the worst case of gastritis I’ve ever had and my OH is walking around acting like it’s such a big inconvenience for him as he has had to do all of the childcare. I’m so angry as I’m in so much pain and discomfort yet he’s walking around huffing and puffing like he’s got it bad 😡😡

Yes YABU for even expecting a man would behave any other way.

It's not childcare. It's just being a dad. Something he should already know how to do. If he doesn't, it's time for you to do more out of the house so he gets some practice.

Tell me he's not complaining at you...

Is he the father?
If so I'd be furious. But even if not, it would be nice to think a partner would be happy to help out in the circumstances so I'd still be quite disappointed in him I think.

How much of the childcare does he usually do?

But he’s obviously being unreasonable.

There are plenty of good dads out there. I had one.

The OPs partner being useless is not an indicator of all dads.

Being charitable here, when my DH became ill, I found it so very very hard to parent when someone else was there but unavailable.

I realise it was not his fault but I did find it so very difficult.

Maybe reword it to “my OH resents parenting”. Yes parenting is hard work but he probably chose to do it. Maybe he should get more practice and he will enjoy it more

Not to add to your woes but honestly if your husbands biggest worry is minding the kids and not how sick you are… I don’t think he’s that into your family at any level

not one to say LTB but I do think it’s times like these you sort of realise what he’s really like and if you can’t count on him when you’re moderately sick (sorry I know you’re terribly unwell but as in it’s not cancer etc) then I’d find it hard to be able to trust him to look after me or my children if anything really bad ever did happen and I’d find that very hard to forgive or get past in the person who’s supposed to love you more than anyone

@Lollipop20 first of all, I hope you feel much better very soon. YANBU. I hope he’s not being a knob to the kids.

@pointingitout why was that if you don’t mind me asking.

Hope you feel better soon

@BitOutOfPractice It’s quite hard to explain. I wish I could give you a clear answer to be honest as that might help the OP. I remember almost feeling as if I had been abandoned and walked out on but without walking out.

It is worth remembering parenting isn’t just parenting - it’s mental stuff as well. So getting up with the children, making sure stuff is in for breakfast, eating breakfast, cleaning up after breakfast, getting dressed, teeth brushing, same for lunch and dinner, plans for the day, bedtime routines. As time went on I found I got increasingly tired and resentful.

Four days sound like nothing but it isn’t.

I am sorry though OP - I hope you’re better soon.

Don’t be an absolute twit

Many of us can say our great grandads did lots of the childcare, even when their wives didn't work outside the home (it wasn't unusual for shipyard workers to do their very physically demanding jobs all week and do breakfast on Sundays for their wives and kids-sadly they're not here to post about it, but I could tell you about men who did that and absolutely would expect today's dads, whose wives are usually working too, like OP presumably-to do more than they did!

The only way you are being unreasonable is by maintaining a relationship with this little boy.

I’m assuming they are also his children? Then he’s the one being hugely unreasonable. Get well soon!

Respectfully, four days is nothing. Speaking as a single parent, it really is nothing.

That’s because you’re speaking as a single parent!

My ex husband was exactly the same if I was ever unwell. I always felt he would punish me for being 'out of action'. I hope you feel better soon x

YANBU. We have a rule that the ill person gets to rest, regardless of how difficult the kids are.

I’m down today with a bad chest infection and DH has been amazing.

Well quite. And I think it’s brave of you to admit it. But the OP’s husband is having his arse handed to him to him here for the same thing. I find it puzzling that anyone should struggle so badly to parent solo for 4 days

I find that a lot of men resent having to do more than say 30% of the work involved in family life i.e childcare/parenting & cooking/cleaning. But a lot of women accept this.

I can understand it (whilst also recognising it is unfair.) I can parent solo for weeks, months. When someone is there but unavailable - even if not their fault at all - it’s different.

To be fair - and probably not in the context of this situation- if you’re not usually the default parent it can be very hard to parent for 4 days - my husband works very long hours so I’m very much the default parent. He’s brilliant and does everything he can when he’s here, but the times he’s been with them solo (and again he’s always more than willing to do it if I’m away with the girls or work or whatever) I know it’s been really hard for him, because there’s so many tiny things that he couldn’t possibly know - that DS likes the pink spoon with yogurts but the blue one for cereal, that DD likes apples cut into strips not cubes, the exact bedtime routine - things that make the kids go out of kilter and all add up through the day - if it were me I’d be pulling my hair out

This is known as the broken appliance. You have a role to fulfill in his eyes and when you break down it is an inconvenience. You are the appliance and until you are well and fixed and able to be back to the role you perform they are pissy about it. Very sad but often really shows a person's true character when someone is ill.

@Lollipop20 I am really sorry you are ill and this is his response to it. Sadly a conversation needs to be had about his reaction. I hope he is making sure you have whatever you need to make you comfortable whilst you go through this. I also hope he isn't showing the children how hard he is finding this.

@Pistachiocake my Dad was a hands on parent, cooked all the meals in our house because my Mum wouldn't learn to cook. She worked a twilight shift when we were very young so my Dad came home from work and she went out to work. He fed us and put us to bed every night. My own Dh is also a hands on Dad, right from day one. Considering I have a disability he worked full time whilst looking after me, making sure I had meds, food, drink, anything else I wanted or needed. He did school runs, knew everything about the children's lives, I never had to leave him a list because he knew what they needed. There are great men out there, my BIL is also fab.

I’m on the fence here, not enough detail. How hands on and involved is he normally? How many kids and what ages? How ill are you? What happens when he is ill?

I think as a parent you have to manage illness in a different way to non-parents and the threshold for stepping away from parenting completely is high (obviously has to be treated the same for both parents). I’ve been unlucky enough to have gastroenteritis twice recently and of course DP did all childcare whilst I was running back and forth to the bathroom. Once I was over that stage I still felt horrendous for a couple of days but I could do things like supervise quiet play from the sofa, read books with them etc. I know solo parenting is tough and get that DP was glad of half an hour respite. He did similar when he hurt his back and had to lie flat most of the time. It has to be reciprocal though.

Also very much agree with the poster who said it’s actually more frustrating when the other parent is there but disengaged vs physically absent.