Uncle has a brain tumour

[OneBlueFinch]

My uncle who is in his early 80’s has a brain tumour. He’s had it for around 6 months, only diagnosed with an actual tumour 2 weeks ago. He lives with my Aunt (my late Dads sister) and their adult daughter. (My cousin )
Unfortunately he’s had this lump on the side of his head for at least 6 months. I’d had no idea how large it was until my cousin sent me a photo.
I was so shocked that they let this lump grow for months without them taking him to the doctors. When I asked my cousins why (the elder one lives with her husband ) they said my uncle refused to go to the GP.
This lump now is the size of a large grapefruit I’d say.
He’s now on the 14 day pathway (not surprisingly) to determine whether it’s benign or malignant .
I just feel totally shocked that both my cousins didn’t see fit to call the doctors to tell them about the speed of growth of this.
Now my cousins acting odd when I text her to check on the wellbeing of my uncle.
AIBU for wanting to intervene with the hospital /GP to push for a more urgent appointment?

To add more context, my Aunt struggles with memory loss and also her hearing .

I guess the important question is does he have capacity? If he does, your cousins cant make him do anything! They can urge or advise but can’t force him. Even if he didn’t have capacity, trying to make a grown man do something he doesn’t want to is no easy feat.

Apparently they’ve said he’s ’not totally sure what’s going on ‘ and that they’ve not really given him the reason behind his upcoming appointment at Southampton hospital. So IMHO that would imply no, he doesn’t have full capacity .

Unless they have medical power of attorney they can’t make decisions for him. So if he refused to see his GP there’s not a lot the cousins could have done other than encouraging him.

What do you want to happen @OneBlueFinch
What treatment/surgery would you like an 80 Yr old to go through

I wouldn’t take “not totally sure what’s going on” as lacking capacity. I’d take it as “I know exactly what’s going on, I’m just not telling you”

I’m not surprised she’s acting odd, you’re basically accusing her of neglect. I got this a lot with my Dad who had signs of dementia, people telling me he should see a doctor. He wouldn’t go. He was 6”4 and weighed significantly more than I did. Not sure what I was meant to do tbh as I clearly couldn’t drag him there.

Erm I’ve never accused her of neglect. I’ve never told them that I think they’re being neglectful . I’ve been nothing but supportive towards them.

I’m not sure tbh. I’m just a bit upset that maybe if it had been seen to sooner, the outcome may have been better . I don’t know . It may turn out to be benign, so…

That’s a good point .

What outcome?
You don't know what it is, so you don't know the outcome.....
Have you thought your Uncle might not want any intervention?

I understand your upset completely but he is a decent age and there is a chance he will not live for many more years. Do you think you might focus on helping him and your other family enjoy the next few months as much as possible. Extra time sometimes needs to be weighed against quality of time.

Decisions are being made by people who are actually closer relatives, and indeed the person going through this - but somehow you think that you have the right to be telling people what they should do - why?

Sounds like it's simply to make you feel better.

It is entirely up to him what he chooses to do, what treatment he accepts or not - it's his life.

Butt out.

A lump that is visible on the head sounds like it is outside the skull so it is not a brain tumour. It could easily be a benign lump, and if uncle is on a 14 day pathway then he will get answers soon.

Brain tumours grow inside the skull and crush the brain - you can’t see them from the outside but they can cause headaches and seizures.

Wow. You sound really unpleasant . I haven’t told my relatives at all what they should do. And it’s certainly not to make myself feel any better. But thanks for your input .

I’m on my going on what my cousin said to me, and she said they’d told them he has a brain tumour….

You can't see brain tumours on people's skulls @OneBlueFinch
They grow underneath.

as I said in the previous post, i Am only going on what my cousin said. She said the consultant told them it was a brain tumour. He’ll know whether it’s benign or malignant after he sees the neurologist …

I think you're getting very mixed messages.

Not sure a neurologist would be involved. Neuro surgeon maybe.

Either way it really isn't anything to do with you.

Brain tumours don't create lesions outside of the skull, it's impossible. If he's seeing a neurologist then, yes, it sounds brain function related, but that description of a brain tumour is absolutely incorrect from what you've said. If he has capacity then as an adult no one can make him do anything. You sound really critical of your cousins and that's probably why they are disengaging from you. It's very easy to flap about from the sidelines - but it's their dad and surely they are doing everything they can to do the best for him, while navigating his wishes and advancing age. Have you offered to help at all? Presumably yes, but you don't mention this at all, hence why I ask. When my aunt was diagnosed with incurable spine cancer I asked my cousin what I could do - not why he hadn't spotted it/made her go to the doctor sooner.

What’s the 14-day pathway he’s on? It sounded like the urgent referral one from the GP to the hospital, but then you said he’s already seen a consultant, so that makes no sense. My dad had a brain tumour in his 80s. There was nothing visible on his skull at all. It was operated on successfully and he’s fine now, aged 90.

Sounds like they mentioned a skin cancer tumour not a brain tumour. Thats why a neurologist would be involved as it may affect the nerves surrounding the skull.

Your cousins couldn't have possibly made him go to the doctor as he is an adult with decision making capacity.

Kindly, I think you’re just in shock.

The lump you see may be a tumour but it isn’t a brain tumour as it isn’t inside his skull. Unless he has had a brain scan and has been told there is also a brain tumour?

No hospital or GP will talk to you or listen to you as you are neither the patient nor the patient’s next of kin. You obviously aren’t close as you haven’t seen him in the 6 months this lump has been growing.

If you suspect neglect of a vulnerable elderly person then you can and should report it to social services where he lives. Otherwise try to support your cousins who appear to have a dad with a tumour and a mum with dementia - that’s a lot that they are going through. But your cousin calling it a brain tumour makes me think she is either confused or has over dramatic tendencies. And your reactions sound a little bit over involved. These are your cousins’ parents not yours.

This. Sounds nothing like a brain tumour