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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Heaven knows I’m miserable now

32 replies

Cantloseyou · 15/08/2026 22:06

Please do not discuss this with me if you know me in real life; I just need to rant.
My child’s dad and I have separated but live together.
We used to get on but he seems to be depressed.
He does nothing around the house. He doesn’t even speak to us. He is a ghost who wanders around with headphones on.
He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t wash.
This I could handle. But he is so so mean.
He calls me fat. He says that he avoids me to stop himself from arguing with me. He calls me every name under the sun.
He doesn’t interact or speak to our child.
I literally upended our whole lives because I thought he was going to kill himself as he was so depressed living on his own. Only for him to be exactly the same.
I feel like I’m such a fool.
I’ve given up our home, my child’s sanctuary, to live somewhere that I am abused and he is ignored.
I can’t get out as I have terrible, terrible credit and no references and no one will rent to me.
He also provides childcare so I can work full time.
I’m just such an idiot.
How do educated women with years of life experience get themselves into these fixes? I can’t tell my family as they warned me not to.

OP posts:
sbankme · 15/08/2026 22:08

im so sorry, you need to ask him to leave. Your sanity is worth more than the childcare he provides.

Cantloseyou · 15/08/2026 22:08

@sbankmebut it’s his house

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 15/08/2026 22:09

To be clear. You lived separately but moved back in togther?

sbankme · 15/08/2026 22:11

what realistically would you say your options are?

CharityShopMensGlasses · 15/08/2026 22:11

Hi lovely, speak to ypur local domestic abuse charity when youre ready. There is help out there. And next time you get away. Don't look back xx

Cantloseyou · 15/08/2026 22:13

But I never feel threatened. I don’t feel it’s abuse as I’m not worried that he’ll do something to me.

OP posts:
sbankme · 15/08/2026 22:13

it sounds like emotional abuse to me

DaysIllRememberAllMyLife · 15/08/2026 22:14

But he is abusing you. Please leave. Your life is worth far more than this treatment.

Cantloseyou · 15/08/2026 22:16

I know this sounds stupid, but I hold a lot of the cards, financially. If I walked out, I wouldn’t get any support, but I also couldn’t rent. I’m stuck.

OP posts:
Minasama · 15/08/2026 22:18

I don’t know what to suggest here but didn’t want to scroll past.
Is moving back in with family while you save an option?
I don’t think leaving your young child in the care of an unrelated male is a good idea, especially not one who is mean to you and who you suspect has mental health issues.
Can you get any of the 30 free hours to help? Is the child’s father or his family able to help?

CharityShopMensGlasses · 15/08/2026 22:18

The constant name calling and threatening to kill himself so you'd move in are abusive. Second one is coercive control.

Milly16 · 15/08/2026 22:19

How does he provide childcare if he won't speak to your child? Sounds like an awfuo situation. I am sorry you're in it

CharityShopMensGlasses · 15/08/2026 22:20

Also if he doesn't interact with or speak to your child thats a really bad situation for the child to be in.

geumsun · 15/08/2026 22:20

You can stop being an idiot (your word) today and leave. Stop making excuses about being stuck, swallow your pride and tell your family you need help / somewhere to stay.

You cannot let a man who refuses to speak to or interact with your child, care for that child. Poor kid.

Cantloseyou · 15/08/2026 22:20

@Minasamahe is my child’s dad and my child is 10 years old. I work shifts

OP posts:
Cantloseyou · 15/08/2026 22:21

@geumsunbut where would I go? My credit is screwed for 6 years thanks to a CCJ. I have no references.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 15/08/2026 22:21

Cantloseyou · 15/08/2026 22:13

But I never feel threatened. I don’t feel it’s abuse as I’m not worried that he’ll do something to me.

Emotional abuse and coercive control. Please do contact a domestic abuse charity for help getting away from this abusive man.

CalliopeFosterBeauchamp · 15/08/2026 22:22

Minasama · 15/08/2026 22:18

I don’t know what to suggest here but didn’t want to scroll past.
Is moving back in with family while you save an option?
I don’t think leaving your young child in the care of an unrelated male is a good idea, especially not one who is mean to you and who you suspect has mental health issues.
Can you get any of the 30 free hours to help? Is the child’s father or his family able to help?

The first post says it’s the child’s dad.

GarlicAnywhere · 15/08/2026 22:26

Cantloseyou · 15/08/2026 22:13

But I never feel threatened. I don’t feel it’s abuse as I’m not worried that he’ll do something to me.

One feature of abuse is that it fries your brain. It resets your norms of what is acceptable or tolerable, focuses too much of your attentions and efforts on the abuser and managing the atmosphere, limits your resources and gives you tunnel vision.

Have a look at this page. Then contact them for advice.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/what-is-abuse/

Cantloseyou · 15/08/2026 22:30

I owned my house and I put my equity into this house, which he owns. I am so trapped and hopeless. Here I am googling campervans when I owe my child so much better. But I wanted their dad to be alive. But he’s like a parasite.

OP posts:
Rosesandthorns66 · 15/08/2026 22:37

Sorry you say he provides childcare but

How can he provide safe childcare if he doesn't speak or interact with the child?

Rosesandthorns66 · 15/08/2026 22:39

Get in tiuch with women's aid, they can offer you better advice.
They are very good.

MaIeficent · 15/08/2026 22:40

Sounds like your intentions were honourable. However, it seems you may have acquired a cocklodger by your own volition.

Kittenwatch · 15/08/2026 22:42

Cantloseyou · 15/08/2026 22:30

I owned my house and I put my equity into this house, which he owns. I am so trapped and hopeless. Here I am googling campervans when I owe my child so much better. But I wanted their dad to be alive. But he’s like a parasite.

Can you prove your money went into the house?

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