AIBU not sending DC to dads?

[Silentwhisper93]

DC has a very rocky relationship with her dad. She’s 7 and he’s never been actively involved in her life. She currently has contact with him every other weekend, but there are no overnight stays due to his living arrangements. Since she was little, he’s made very little effort. He doesn’t attend school events, activities, sports days etc. There have been numerous occasions where he simply hasn’t turned up for contact.
The difficult thing is that he doesn’t actually cancel. I’ll message through the parenting app beforehand to try to confirm that he’s still having her. If he confirms that he is, I’ll take her to the agreed meeting point, but there have been occasions where he’s still not turned up despite saying he was coming.
Then, sometimes days later, he’ll message saying he was poorly, something happened, or giving another reason why he couldn’t make it. There’s very rarely any communication at the time to let me or DC know that contact isn’t happening.
I could probably count on one hand how many times he’s actually seen her this year.
This has become a continuous cycle. Communication between us is through a parenting app because things have become difficult in the past when I’ve challenged him about his behaviour. I always try to remain completely neutral with DC and encourage her relationship with her dad. I never badmouth him to her or let her see how I feel about the situation.
It’s now got to the point where DC gets extremely upset about going. She’s old enough to understand that he repeatedly lets her down, and it genuinely breaks my heart watching her get hurt by it. Hes expecting with his partner and this seems to be another reason why contact hasn’t happened, such as his partner being unwell or things going on with the pregnancy. I completely appreciate that life happens and circumstances can change, but this has been going on for years and isn’t a one off. I’m honestly at my wits end. She deserves consistency and to not constantly be disappointed. AIBU not sending her? There is a court order in place which he has never consistently followed. I know the proper route is eventually going to be going back to court, and that is something I intend to do when I can afford to, but that isn’t something I can sort immediately. I mainly got the court order as he was threatening to report me to the police for taking her on holiday with my partner. I’m really struggling with what the right thing to do is. I don’t feel I can keep putting her through the same cycle of being let down.

No I wouldn’t keep setting her up for disappointment. He sounds like a total waste of space who isn’t bothered about her dd so it would be best to phase him out rather than keep exposing her to his shit behaviour. I’m sure she’ll feel very rejected and hurt every time he fails to show up.

As there’s a court order in place I guess it might be a bit more complicated as I don’t think you can legally just stop the arrangements so maybe you ought to get some legal advice asap.

You have a court order to make her available for contact, would it be within the terms of the court order that you don’t set off for the meeting point until he has confirmed he is there, if it isn’t too far away?

I think so. Court has access to the app if I was ever to go back and you can see I’ve actively tried to organise contact. However I’m not even sure he knows what’s in the order as he never turned up to court funnily enough!!

I wouldn’t send her, she needs a parent who will always put her needs first and that’s you. You can sort out the court side of things in due course.

How far away is the meeting point?
If he never shows he wont notice if you dont take her. Then if he does message on the off just say youre running late?

Or if there is anywhere near the meeting point like a softplay hang about there until he shows/doesnt show.

I’ve voted YABU. You’re not really but I don’t want to set you up to fail. You KNOW you need to go back to court and get these visits cancelled or reduced. You can’t just not go, especially if he is likely to take you to court for contempt. Well, you can, as long as you’re willing to accept any possible consequences. Keep recording him not answering and not showing up and go get the court order amended. Sorry your girl has to go through this.

He is mentally and emotionally abusing his child and it's time to start protecting her. Is there any reason why he can't pick her up from your house or is it a court ordered contact place? That way you only need to make sure she is dressed and fed before his pickup time and she doesn't need to know, which means she won't get let down and upset if he doesn't turn up.

If he wants contact then he needs to do the running, and you need to stand still until he does. If he wants a relationship with her then he'll step up.

What are the logistics of this contact. How often is it supposed to happen? How far is the meeting place from you? How far in advance is he confirming he plans to attend?

Stop all effort from your end. If he wants to see her he needs to arrange it and collect her from her home.

‘DD is getting distressed when we go to the meeting place and you don’t turn up. Because of this she is now saying she doesn’t want to go at all. In her best interests I propose any weekend you want to see DD you let me know 48 hrs in advance and text me when you have arrived at meeting place and I will leave to drop her off. If I don’t hear from you and get the text, I will take no action going forward.’

It’s not contempt of court.

Message him on the app and say that she gets increasingly upset when he doesn’t stick to the arrangements so he must let you know that he’s there before you set off. You can take her on holiday, assuming it’s for a couple of weeks only. Let him know in advance what the dates are.

If he doesn’t like it, then he will have to go back to court so make sure, as you say, that you are clear on the app what you are doing and why.

I pity the idiotic woman who's having her own kid with this knobhead when it's so clear he doesn't even care about his existing daughter.

I would get proper legal advice.

To me I would be collecting evidence that he is the one not turning up and breaking the court order. Check the court order carefully. Does it specify the meeting point and time? Should there need to be confirmation beforehand?

If he is not turning up then you need the written evidence. It sounds like you might be doing this but make it clear you are sticking to the order. 'we waited for you at 2pm as per the court order at the agreed car park. DD was disappointed you did not attend'

I think I would highlight the relevant parts of the court order and send it to him recorded delivery with a note that if he does not use the arranged contact, it will be beneficial to you all to go back to court to make new arrangements and that the court has access to the app showing what contact took place.

Once that's been received, if the meeting place is feasibly close enough, only take her if he's texted to say he's there IF that's within the terms of the court order (could you afford to get advice on that part?)

You are building a case to reduce or remove contact in future if necessary.

The new woman has probably fallen for the script. Crazy/controlling ex who stops him going and has turned his child against him. That sort of thing.

I know what Id do but best advice is to seek legal advice.

This is good advice. I don't see how this could be in contempt.

What a useless twat of a man. It's ridiculous that we have a court system that puts them before the kids. Your poor DD x

This is not a solution. The dd will still have to know that contact might happen, will still need to keep half her weekends free in case it does, will still feel let down when it doesn't happen. It doesn't get rid of the uncertainty at all.

OP Id just stop making her available and let him take you back to court. Doesn't sound as though he'd bother.

While I agree with pretty much everyone I just felt I had to say she’s only 7. So you saying ‘she’s old enough to know that he’s doing this’, she’s not. Much as it sucks your job is to shield her, if x is after happening you say y is after coming up, so he just couldn’t make it (he’s sick, work wouldn’t let him, he’s helping someone who’s very stuck)- kids don’t need to know anything let alone everything. He misses something and she doesn’t need to know it’s because he’s an asshole. She’s upset then you distract her. I am so sorry but we’re a generation who are telling our kids too much. They can have asshole dads but they don’t need to know it

@Silentwhisper93 i wouldn’t be going back to court I’d just not send her and let him fight if he chooses ( he won’t ) he has had it too easy . Seems like he turns up when he remembers tbh .
You have everything documented hi
not arriving , you chasing him . Him messaging days later.

Honestly just stop sending her.
If he gets in touch say oh sorry dd has a party this weekend or she is feeling poorly .
Never contact him first .
the following month / time just say oh dd wants to stay home weekend .

I’d stop contact immediately.

This is damaging her.

You already have a difficult enough life being a single parent, absolutely do not run around after him trying to make things easy for him. You’re the one that has to pick up the pieces at the end of the day.

His gf could be controlling but that is not your problem.

Tell him that you cannot keep putting DD through this and if he wants contact then he’ll have to set up a contact centre and drop off and pick up from there.

If he’s like this now, he’s going to be 10x worse when the baby comes and that will be even worse for DD as she’ll think he loves the baby more.

Of course she knows!

A couple of times OP can make the excuse that he must have broken down etc but she’s not stupid.

She will absolutely realise that her dad is just not turning up to see her.

Very few seven year olds are that stupid

@Morepositivemum you massively underestimate the intelligence of a 7 year old!!

I’m reading this thread with interest as a good friend is going through similar with her 7yo. Her DD has said she doesn’t want to phone her dad because he doesn’t come and see her when he should. My niece stopped seeing BIL at a similar age for similar reasons.

@Silentwhisper93 as others have said, keep it documented but ultimately protect your child from the heartbreak.

I wouldnt continue trying when he says he is coming and doesnt turn up.

However court order might make it more complicated I have no idea. I would definitely seek legal advice as it cant be right.

Is it documented in app when he doesnt appear she is upset? I would be making it clear on there at time and after his excuses. Just so he is officially aware of how it effects her.