AIBU not sending DC to dads?

[Silentwhisper93]

DC has a very rocky relationship with her dad. She’s 7 and he’s never been actively involved in her life. She currently has contact with him every other weekend, but there are no overnight stays due to his living arrangements. Since she was little, he’s made very little effort. He doesn’t attend school events, activities, sports days etc. There have been numerous occasions where he simply hasn’t turned up for contact.
The difficult thing is that he doesn’t actually cancel. I’ll message through the parenting app beforehand to try to confirm that he’s still having her. If he confirms that he is, I’ll take her to the agreed meeting point, but there have been occasions where he’s still not turned up despite saying he was coming.
Then, sometimes days later, he’ll message saying he was poorly, something happened, or giving another reason why he couldn’t make it. There’s very rarely any communication at the time to let me or DC know that contact isn’t happening.
I could probably count on one hand how many times he’s actually seen her this year.
This has become a continuous cycle. Communication between us is through a parenting app because things have become difficult in the past when I’ve challenged him about his behaviour. I always try to remain completely neutral with DC and encourage her relationship with her dad. I never badmouth him to her or let her see how I feel about the situation.
It’s now got to the point where DC gets extremely upset about going. She’s old enough to understand that he repeatedly lets her down, and it genuinely breaks my heart watching her get hurt by it. Hes expecting with his partner and this seems to be another reason why contact hasn’t happened, such as his partner being unwell or things going on with the pregnancy. I completely appreciate that life happens and circumstances can change, but this has been going on for years and isn’t a one off. I’m honestly at my wits end. She deserves consistency and to not constantly be disappointed. AIBU not sending her? There is a court order in place which he has never consistently followed. I know the proper route is eventually going to be going back to court, and that is something I intend to do when I can afford to, but that isn’t something I can sort immediately. I mainly got the court order as he was threatening to report me to the police for taking her on holiday with my partner. I’m really struggling with what the right thing to do is. I don’t feel I can keep putting her through the same cycle of being let down.

Thanks for all the advice. When I went to court I had evidence of abuse towards me as I’d made police reports but always too scared to take things forward but they said it’s in the best interest for a child to see both parents. However the legislation has now changed where it’s not always in the best interest. I do plan on going back but I need the money for good representation as I can’t let her be a victim of this man like I was. I struggled to fight my corner but I will always fight hers. X

In terms of meeting point we don’t do it at my house because it’s 2 bus journey for them whereas the meeting point is easier for them in the bus and takes me about 20/25 minutes in the car so not too far at all

Simonjt

It wouldn’t make her stupid (she’s only seven not a teenager!!!) if she had an inkling but had it hidden and seven year olds can have their attention turned easily. We’ve all had to hide huge things from kids to protect them, they know but from the op it seems like seven year old is heartbroken and op is so rightly fed up and pissed off, I’m saying she needs to deflect.

PoliteSquid

not underestimating their intelligence at all, I’ve 4 kids and dealt with a lot when they were younger, you can absolutely let them know it’s not ok but then you deflect and surround them with love and distract them.

Can you make the meeting point something like a relative's house, and work on the basis you won't set off till relative tells you he's there?

Seek legal advice, but in the meantime I would write a neutral message on the app saying something along the lines of: In the light of past instances [list the date/time if you can], please confirm in advance if the contact is to go ahead, otherwise I will not be bringing DC to the pick-up point.' And, then wait for him to confirm before going there. If he stands you up after confirming, send another message, saying you will not be bringing her to the contact point, and explain why. With courts/legal proceedings, you need to show 'clean hands' - that you did the right thing. It doesn't sound like he is invested enough to go to court in any case, should the contact stop.

If it’s court ordered you have to legally make her available.

As you use an app that the courts can access I wonder if you could write a mess age along the lines of

“as you have cancelled contact on x dates <list> and failed to turn up without pre warning on x dates <list> I will continue to make DS available for contact as per the court order but I will not be setting off from home until you have confirmed on the day you will be there. The conscious turning up for contact and you not being there is having a detrimental effect on DD emotional wellbeing.
So moving forward I will check the app at x time and if you haven’t confirmed that you will be at the drop off point then I will not bring DD”

Hopefully a legal nod can inform you (and me!) if this is legal but im (completely non legal) o you are still making her available via this arrangement?

I do plan on going back but I need the money for good representation

OP you don’t need to go back to court - he’s the one not turning up.

You need to just do the same and if he chooses to take you back to court then you go and explain your reasons.

The worst thing that will happen is they’ll reinstate the contact order but they’ll see how many times he broke it and so aren’t going to blame you.

Currently it’s EOW so tell him that considering he can barely do that and it’s impacting DD then you’re only going to meet once a month.

If he’s got an issue with that then he can take you to court.

This is really harmful for your daughter. The long-term impact on her could be considerable. You need to show you are being reasonable and you are considering her best interests.

Breaching the court order is far from ideal, but I don't think it's the main consideration. If he wants to complain about it to the court he can, but you've got clear justification for doing it. Yes, the court order says you should make her available, but that's in order for him to actually see her. He's not keeping his end of the agreement. If he starts trying to stick to it again you can revert to the agreement.

It's about doing whatever will be best for your daughter. This is finding a balance between maintaining a possibility for her to have a relationship with him, but protecting her from the harm of being let down by him.

I think some of the previous suggestions are good, around communicating with him and setting expectations and consequences. You can also explain to your daughter, without blaming him or being negative about her father, that you'll wait and then if he hasn't come within a certain time, you'll go. Or you could take her to do something and he has the option to pick her up from it. Minimise the disruption to her and impact on her.

Sometimes shit fathers are able to do better, but it's unlikely that having a new baby with a new partner will do that.

If you feel ok with him collecting from your house (don’t allow him entry and get a ring door bell), tell him in light of your daughter experiencing disappointment when he cancels, and massive upset when he confirms, you’ve travelled and he doesn’t attend, he will need to collect her from your home for now on. If he evidences he can be more consistent say you’ll be happy to consider moving back to the meeting point. If he doesn’t like it it’s for him to return to court and you’ve got all the evidence of his failure to show up so that’s a reasonable adjustment to a contact plan, as you’re not denying him contact.

He sounds like an absolute tool!! Your poor daughter is very quickly learning that her father is a let down and she is not a priority of his, an awful thing to know at such a young age.

I would go with:

'DD is becoming increasingly upset and distressed at being brought to contact with you due to the consistency of you either cancelling contact last minute or not turning up for contact altogether with no prior notice. Whilst I will of course continue to make her available for contact with you, I feel it is in DD' best interest that you provide confirmation of contact 24 hours prior. On the day of contact, please provide confirmation that you are en-route to contact and I will then make my way to the meeting point with DD. This will ensure DD's expectations are managed appropriately.'

25 minutes there and back plus a bit of hanging around is 90 minutes which is a lot of time to waste every other weekend!

I’d return his energy - turn up for contact if you and dc feel like it. If not going coincides with a time he has turned up then that’s just his bad luck as how were you to know he’d be there that time.

Does DD generally know when she is due to see him? If not, I’d try to negotiate a meeting place nearby so he can message you when he is physically there and only then do you bring DD. A bit harder if she generally knows when she sees him but at least you wouldn’t be taking her there to be let down.
And yeah back to court, as soon as you are able.

Is the meeting point in the court order?

How do you know? You seem very sure of that. In my experience, people that are so sure of themselves that they feel the need to correct others are often wrong 😂

Have I misread the post or has there been an update I’ve missed or are you just sure?

You can certainly be held in contempt of court if you don’t follow a court order. I’m not saying she would be found guilty but it is worth considering if she feels the ex would try to pursue this.

I completely disagree. DD is at the meeting point when he doesn't turn up. Of course she realises that she's being let down.