To be upset about this?

[Myotherusernameisshy]

DS got his A level results today. He’s done well and got into his first choice uni. I’m really proud of him after a tough year.
I have had to be quite involved in supporting him over the last 9 months for a couple of potentially outing reasons. I’ve spent hours after work helping him revise when he was struggling. He’s managed to pull all his grades up 2 levels from his mocks. I did all the open days/uni application/medical appointments with him and I’ve been the one in contact with college and GP multiple times re his health and special arrangements for exams. He’s been very stressed and poorly and not always the easiest person to deal with over the last few months but as his mum I was happy to help him however I could.
DH really hasn’t been involved at all. I doubt he could tell you what A levels he’s done or which unis he had applied to.
I had the day off today. I tried to suggest plans to celebrate but DS didn’t want to plan anything because he didn’t feel confident he was going to get the grades he needed.
When DS got his results this morning DH decided to take him on a boys’ day out, just the two of them, while I stayed at home with his siblings. (This is something I suggested they do together last Christmas, but DH didn’t book it.) They got home about 7 and DS has gone out with his mates so I’ve barely seen him. I’ve been sat at home all day, a complete waste of a day off.

AIBU to feel really hurt and upset? I’m happy for DS that he’s enjoyed the day but I feel quite cheated by DH swooping in for the fun now the difficult part is done. It’s the latest in a long pattern of selfish and thoughtless behaviour from him and I’m sick of it. I feel like the DC see me as boring and DH as the fun one, because he doesn’t do any of the hard stuff. I’ve tried to speak to him this evening and he can’t see what the problem is. AIBU?

YANBU

But I would look into why this is what's upset you and not the fact the your DH has done fuck all to support his sick/ill/stressed child over the last months/years. I think what's happend today is the absolute least of your problems!

Yeah, that's very annoying. Your DS will know though. He might not acknowledge it yet, but he'll know. I couldn't be married to someone as thoughtless and entitled though.

I don’t know why it’s bothered me so much today. I think when we’ve been struggling the last few months I had imagined what it would be like getting to today and the work being worth it. I didn’t think it would be like this.
Just to top it off, DS got home and asked me for a lift to his friends so he could go out. It didn’t even cross his mind to ask his dad!

I’m reaching my limit of being married to someone like this.

No idea what to say to them today.

write a text to both of them similar to what you wrote here and. Ask your son to arrange a thank you meal / day oot

leave husband

I would leave DS out of it. This is you and your husbands problem.

I would be absolutely furious and make merry hell for DH. SELFISH PRICK.

I think you’re unreasonable as as much as I understand your upset, you’ve made this all about you and not about whay your son wishes.

I agree.

OP did the right thing for her child and supported him, helped him get his grades up. She put a lot of work into it but that’s what parents do and should do.

DH on the other hand, is utterly selfish. And thoughtless.

Your dh is a colossal arsehole for doing this!

I'd be furious!

I get why you’re seeing it from that angle, but I do not think OP is saying she doesn’t want DS to have a good day out or be happy, she’s annoyed that she had the day off and instead of celebrating together, DH has decided to book an activity that he should of done months ago for just him and DS.

For some reason, I thought he was going to be an ex who was playing Disney Dad. From your update, I gather you’re still in a relationship with him?! I’m not surprised you feel resentful and taken for granted.

I’m not sure saying anything to your son will improve this, it’s likely just to make him feel a bit ashamed of what happened yesterday and that won’t help. I would however address with your husband being excluded yesterday and remind him of all of the hard work and sacrifices you have made (verses his lack of involvement).

Yanbu and I think I’d be upset too that your H chose that particular day. I wouldn’t be too upset with your ds as he’s just a teen who is following his dad’s lead but I might mention it as it’s important for him to learn to think about how to treat others. I think I’d make a point of asking ds to celebrate specifically with you on another day.

I’d also start decentering your H as much as possible as he seems to with you and seriously consider a future without him.

Yes we’re still together at the moment. I’m a fool.

I would hate to make his results day about me, and I would hate to stop him enjoying himself after all his hard work. I do worry what kind of husband he will be in the future if he follows his dad’s lead.

Take a deep breath, don’t make the A levels a big deal at the moment, it’s not fair on your son.

You say this is a long line of selfish behaviour, focus on that. Otherwise you could end up turning a nice memory for your son into something else.

If you can’t stand his behaviour anymore, you don’t have too.

You can either match his efforts or leave him.

He can’t see the problem, because he doesn’t want to see the problem. He happy as things stand.

Why are you a fool? Because you helped your son? Or because your husband treats you like crap? The shames on hin not you!

Your ds will know you are the safe parent. There for the good, bad and the ugly.
Take yourself out for a lovely coffee to mark what he's achieved, in part because of you being those things.

Then work out something great to do with ds. Something he'd love. If you can afford a holiday, do that. Leave dh behind.

Your dh is a selfish, useless, performative prick.

No, you absolutely involve your son. Do not raise another generation of selfish prick.

Your son needs to now your love, input and effort helped him achieve his goal. He needs to know you took a precious day off work and feel extremely hurt. It is 100 % important your son knows it.

I’ve spoken to DH now. He’s said sorry but he’s still trying to justify it which isn’t helping at all.
I’m torn about what to say to DS. It’s not his fault he needed extra support at all, he was ill. I don’t want to tarnish his memory of results day by making it about me. But I am disappointed that he doesn’t seem to recognise my support at all. I think I have been guilty over several years of playing down how little DH does, and now my teens thinks it’s normal/acceptable. So i’m failing them too just in a different way to DH.

Yes I think you have too, but why use this as an opportunity to change it.

Take ds out for dinner, tell it’s to celebrate both of you, all the hard work that you have both put in. - leave dh at home.

Then down tools. He’s only saying sorry to shut you up, keep you quiet, to stop interrupting his peace. If he meant it you would know.

You have a DH problem rather than a ds one.

Yanbu.
But, you have regularised a situation when dad does nothing for them.
He is a selfish BMD, bare minimum dad.
Of course he will defend it.

I don't think you can change this now.
All you can do is change yourself.
Drop that rope.

Making a skivvy of yourself never works out well.

Don't have a conversation just stop doing.
Actions speak louder than words.

Stop doing anything for your husband.
Step back from the kids in any way you can.

Start saying "ask your father" for lifts and money.

Unfortunately we teach people how to treat us.
They have gotten the message that you don't matter, because YOU behave as if YOU don't matter.

Nothing like dropping the rope and saying "No /ask your father" to drive home how much you do.

Oh and drop the shopping. Bare minimum shop, no treats.
Reduce cooking completely.

Give them a clear view of what a zero tolerance/ bare minimum mother looks like.

As for the selfish loser husband, start planning.

I don't think you should mention it to your son. Teenagers are generally a bit me-focused and not always good at dishing out thanks. But, as others have said, he will know. Don't spoil his memory of what was a great day for him by making him feeling guilty. Your husband on the other hand...

I think after the slog of exams it’s easy for kids to celebrate their hard work and forget the support they had, I also think you’ve done what any decent parent would do to give your child the best chance of success. Once the initial flush of achievement has passed, your DS may come to acknowledge your support, and I’d be gently helping him with that process. AI’d also be working with all the kids to foster appreciation and gratitude for the work you do day by day that facilitates their lives, ingratitude is a horrible character flaw.

Your DH is a different issue and it sounds like the exam results have merely highlighted a long standing issue with him. That’s what you need to address either by expecting him to step up, and making that clear, or by deciding what you want to do about your marriage.

Don’t say anything to your son, it’s really nothing to do with him and will just make him feel bad.
But definitely don’t continue to let your husband do this and take advantage of you the way he has.
Arrange something ‘fun’ with your son, just the two of you to celebrate. DH can stay home and look after the younger children.

I understand why you’re upset but please don’t make this very special day about you. You sound like a lovely, caring, supportive mother and it would be a shame to spoil it.
Together you and your son have achieved those results and no one can take that away from you.
Your son will know this too, but even so he may still want validation from his dad hence why he opted for his dads treat. Especially as his dad doesn’t pay him much attention.
It may feel you are taken for granted but try to see it from his point rather than your own.
Let him have his day, he’ll be leaving for Uni soon and this will be a day he’ll cherish.

Arrange something nice for you and DS this weekend?

DH can look after everyone else. You certainly deserve it.