To be upset about this?

[Myotherusernameisshy]

DS got his A level results today. He’s done well and got into his first choice uni. I’m really proud of him after a tough year.
I have had to be quite involved in supporting him over the last 9 months for a couple of potentially outing reasons. I’ve spent hours after work helping him revise when he was struggling. He’s managed to pull all his grades up 2 levels from his mocks. I did all the open days/uni application/medical appointments with him and I’ve been the one in contact with college and GP multiple times re his health and special arrangements for exams. He’s been very stressed and poorly and not always the easiest person to deal with over the last few months but as his mum I was happy to help him however I could.
DH really hasn’t been involved at all. I doubt he could tell you what A levels he’s done or which unis he had applied to.
I had the day off today. I tried to suggest plans to celebrate but DS didn’t want to plan anything because he didn’t feel confident he was going to get the grades he needed.
When DS got his results this morning DH decided to take him on a boys’ day out, just the two of them, while I stayed at home with his siblings. (This is something I suggested they do together last Christmas, but DH didn’t book it.) They got home about 7 and DS has gone out with his mates so I’ve barely seen him. I’ve been sat at home all day, a complete waste of a day off.

AIBU to feel really hurt and upset? I’m happy for DS that he’s enjoyed the day but I feel quite cheated by DH swooping in for the fun now the difficult part is done. It’s the latest in a long pattern of selfish and thoughtless behaviour from him and I’m sick of it. I feel like the DC see me as boring and DH as the fun one, because he doesn’t do any of the hard stuff. I’ve tried to speak to him this evening and he can’t see what the problem is. AIBU?

Was your day off a coincidence or did you book it specifically because of the results? Was your son even aware?

Personally I wouldn’t say anything. If your son wanted to celebrate with you he would, but teenagers are nothing if not self absorbed. I pulled all nighters helping mine only for her to be wildly offended when I mentioned I had helped her many times along the way.

I don't think you're BU, however I could imagine that they would not have thought, "Mum/wife has worked so hard for me/DS to achieve this, she deserves special treatment". It is a slight reach. Did you say anything to your DH when he announced his plans?

Viperregency
I think you’re unreasonable as as much as I understand your upset, you’ve made this all about you and not about whay your son wishes.

I agree with this, you need to get over this before his only memories are his pissed off his mum was that he didn’t gush all over her at a time when it’s his time.I think you’ve had so much stress and shit to deal with you thought you’d get a reward of sorts for it today, but life unfortunately isn’t like that (hugs x)

But I also don’t think it makes your dh an asshole for heading off celebrating with him, I’ve boys and (unfortunately!!) they’ll gravitate to dh for this kind of thing. I also think what you did was brilliant and amazing but again it doesn’t make your dh awful that he didn’t, I’ve followed and pushed and helped the kids where I could but didn’t with others where he did and could and I just couldn’t or didn’t think it would help.

Take your DS out for a special celebration just the two of you. Something really good.

Then start thinking about how you can make a life without your DH.

He's defensive because he knows he's wrong but isn't prepared to admit it. A man who can't apologise to his wife for being a selfish dickhead is not a man you need to make any sort of effort for.

Bare Minimum Dad is great phrase. You should use that as often as possible OP!

Does your husband have a job?

Well why didn’t you say you wanted to spend it with him?

I hope you tikd him to go ask his dad. Your DH behaved badly, but your DS didn't have to ho along with it.

This would be my worry, too. DS presumably knew you had the day off, but didn't respect that and dumped you for a sliver of his dad's attention. No respect for you from either of them, no acknowledgement of your help from DS.

I don’t blame you for being upset, but I think you have to put this particular incident behind you and focus on future strategy.

Lots of great advice from PPs. It’s called quiet quitting OP, you will have to face the fact that he’s not going to like it and it may end your marriage.

On the upside, you’ll be much better prepared for that than he will. Hope for the best prepare for the worst. Ducks/Row

There are definitely 2 seperate issues

Your DH, who didn’t consider you on the day. And seems to accept you’re the default parent for stuff like this, so he doesn’t have to get involved. He sounds inconsiderate and I’d be upset at that. He should have thought you may have wanted to go along, or do something as a family. He shouldn’t have to be reminded to be thoughtful.

Your DS, who probably doesn’t really see what you’ve done other than be his Mum. He’s used to you being there and stepping up. It’s normal to him, not particularly special (to him) because this is what you do, what you’ve always done & been there for him. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t see it or appreciate it, it’s just he sees it as normal, having a mum who does amazing things for him.
Should he have considered you?, maybe, but teens don’t always think of the bigger picture.
With the excitement of the results, no doubt countless messages from friends he probably didn’t think about anything other than he’s passed, he’s off to uni and replying to his mates.

If it were me I’d arrange to take him out for dinner, congratulate him, talk about his plans, and just be proud of him, and yourself.
Sounds like you’re a great Mum. He knows this, and I would absolutely say he will one day realise all you did for him, even if he doesn’t quite think about it now. It definitely doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate it.

I completely get this. My (now ex) husband was and still is like this. My kids are all in their twenties now, and they see it very clearly for what it is. Don't worry about your ds, he will be aware - invite him out for lunch over the weekend or something else nice, so you have a chance to say well done.

Your DS was probably so delighted to have his father pay him some attention at last, that he didn't realise you would be hurt.

Don't say anything to DS. (Teens are clueless and selfish by nature.)
Divorce DH.
Bide your time.

When DS has a family of his own, you will be there to enjoy the grandchildren, and if necessary drop a few sharp comments to DS in private if DS doesn't shape up as a responsible husband and father.
Ex-DH will be nowhere in sight, with nothing much of a relationship with DS.

I think you’re being unreasonable, kids don’t analyse who’s helped them the most, he’s just been offered and taken up a fun day with his dad . Probably Dad just sees you as being available to help DS through his exams and doesn’t expect it to be a competition. Your son didn’t say oh sorry Dad I want to spend the day with mum did he , he just did what was offered and it would have been no different if you had arranged something .

Sorry just catching up. Yes DH works, so do I.
I hadn’t been able to plan anything ahead because DS didn’t want to, but I would have planned something for us all to enjoy together.
I was a bit disappointed DS didn’t think to do anything with me, but I absolutely agree that it’s his achievement not mine and it’s his day to relax and celebrate his achievements. I’m genuinely absolutely delighted for him. If he had planned to be out all day with his mates I wouldnt have minded. My issue is completely with DH and his selfishness, that he planned something that completely excluded me when it really didn’t need to.
This isn’t a case of me finding it easier to help DS or being more available. We both work. We’re both degree level educated, DH is more than capable of doing everything I did. He didn’t just do a bit less, he did absolutely none. Even when we were in hospital. We also had another child doing GCSEs and I was the only one helping them too (although they needed much less input).
If I’m really honest i think I’ve put up with it partly because I’d prefer the DC to have a stable home, and partly because I don’t have much family at all so I would have no support network if I left. I’m not sure I’m brave enough to do it completely alone. I earn less than DH so there’s that to consider too. But it’s coming to the point where I feel like a doormat, and I don’t want my DC to think this is normal.

Unfortunately when we martyr ourselves, often we get taken for granted. I could imagine that both your husband and your son would think of this as entirely your son's achievement, which I would argue is fair.

From your OP, it sounds like your husband took your son out on the day, without pre-planning. That would have been the time for you to say, "Why don't we all do something?", instead of simply seething silently. I do get the frustration at the thoughtlessness though, of course.

There is a big space between leaving and being a complete doormat.

I think you need to stop with the doormat behaviour and build up your self esteem.

Make that your goal from today.
Stop being a doormat.

Your husband sounds like a selfish arse but you need to own your responsibility for being a doormat, before you can change it.

Women make themselves doormats and men don't stop them.
Why would they?

So look very carefully at all you do and start changing things from your side.

Accept that their will be push back.

We are here to guide you if you are serious about it.

I wouldn't get into a discussion with your son at all, let him have this.

But look carefully at your modelling to the kids and start changing it from your side.

If I were you I'd separate the DH being shite issue entirely from your son's success day and deal with it accordingly. You're risking taking the shine off your son's big day over something that's not his issue/fault.

My son has just come home and he’s given me a lovely thank you card for all my help with his revision.
I did try to suggest something we could all do yesterday, but DH ignored me and immediately rang to book their activity. I really didn’t have a chance.

I think this is what I need to do. Even if I end up leaving I’ll be in a much stronger position if I’ve worked on myself first. Thank you.

I think you should show this post to your husband - or calmly tell him you are not happy and why.
When son asks you for a lift “DH - DS needs a lift to X.”

I have the same opinion of some others .
Don’t mention to your son as it’s his results day , well done 👍🏻 him !
take husband aside quietly another day soon when son isn’t there or can’t hear you and tell him what you’ve told us