AIBU to tell mum about her daughter’s texting and voice note behaviour?

[walker1211]

I am really struggling to decide what to do in a situation.

My DD has had a friend since early years, her mum I’ve also known quite well. She has always been a nice little girl, but did always have something to prove. In y7, she has completely turned into just a really unkind, attention seeking almost caricature of a mean girl. This is affected my own DD in that she likes to cause drama and other people involved in the drama and turn people against each other, which she did to my Db including sending her non stop messages one day with random allegations ‘like I heard you said x to this person, why did you do that’ etc etc why are you lying etc and despite my daughter asking her to stop messaging her, she just didn’t stop so we blocked her. I also found out, things she has sent to other people in the year, including voice messages, where she’s shouting f off to people and saying that she wants them to go away etc. just really unkind and targeted behiour. Also heard about really bad behaviour in the classroom and again almost silly levels of back chat.

her mum was fairly strict previously and I am sure she has no idea what’s going on and I actually feel concerned about this girls behaviour HOWEVER I feel really lost with senior school and what is normal and not especially with y7/8 girls. I feel a lot of advice at this stage seems to be not to get involved, but I feel really I should tell the mum the behaviour I am seeing? My daughter is also pretty well behaved and tells me everything which I know (from my own experience of being 12) is probably quite unusual!

is this normal levels of behaviour?

How well do you know the mum, are you friends? And have you raised with the school already?

Don’t raise it with mum

never ends well.

The Mum will know. Nothing good will come from you telling her this. Nothing.

There's a lot of research into helping teen girls work through friendship/peer group issues. Im a DSL and lead pastoral care in a secondary school - there is a lot of evidence-based training for pastoral staff on this issue - because it takes up so much time. Especially in Y7 and Y8. Would you like the spoiler? The bottom line is - facilitate and support the girls to work though their own issues, don't take over.

Important thing you remember is that you are only hearing one side of this issue. You should still 100% support your daughter. But you need to keep in mind that this girl will 100% certainly have a different narrative to explain the same situation. Her narrative may well paint your daughter badly and that shes done nothing wrong. Just like you are hearing. So its reasonable that her Mum will support her.

Help your daughter to understand she can only control her own behaviour, not the behaviour or others.

This is why its madness to give children that young phones.

I am in two minds about this. As the mum of a nightmare teen, I wanted to know initially. After a while I didn't want to know, I just wanted to bury my head and let it wash over me.

But, if you have previously had a good relationship with her, you could tread the middle ground and approach her and ask if everything is OK, as your daughter has mentioned that there has been some friction between your daughter and her daughter.

You don't have to go into too much detail unless she is receptive. There maybe something going on at home and she might be glad of the opportunity to talk to someone else about it.

If she isn't receptive, then smile nicely, say you must have misunderstood and back away.

This is actually what I find so challenging with the way things are managed now. so light touch and ‘they will work it out’. This is a 12 year old girl shouting abuse down the phone to someone!!!

not to sound ancient, but I was a naughty 12 year old and then my mum found out and I then lived in fear of doing anything wrong again! The school reaction has been very very light and similar to your thoughts which I just find more fob off than anything.

Also I know there are two sides etc in this case this is very much one girl being awful to show off to others. I have heard multiple voice notes where she is clearly with others and got over excited and sending worse and worse thing to one person (not my dd). No two sides to that.

I hope you are out the other side! This is what also worries me as I know she has had problems with all her kids when they have become teens. My daughter says her dd just tells her mum to shut up. So just not sure it’s really going to help speaking to her is it?

Probably pointless. They're either a clued up parent, who already knows. Or they're oblivious, don't check their kids phone, they'll chalk it down to a one off when their child pleads forgiveness and it won't be heard of again. If you're good a reliable friends with the parent, then say something

Had this a few times. A couple of times made a comment about phones and how I check them

But once you involve a parent it doesn't end well. So it is about showing your DC about what is right and isn't. And supporting them.

It isn't easy though

not to sound ancient, but I was a naughty 12 year old and then my mum found out and I then lived in fear of doing anything wrong again!

Yet you must have done other things wrong afterwards, because you describe yourself as a naughty kid. Being naughty isn't doing one thing wrong, then never doing anything else.

I am probably more ancient than you, at 49. Yet if I reflect on "likes to cause drama and other people involved in the drama and turn people against each other" - this is nothing new. I can remember school being exactly like that in the late 80s and early 90s. The process of falling out with someone or group in your year, others taking sides, being excluded one time then excluding someone else the next time - this isn't new. Just the methods of doing it has changed with the advent of mobile phones.

What your going through feels more significant than it likely is in the long run. I know that's hard for you to hear. Kids are mean to each other sometimes. Your daughter needs to learn that others will sometimes be mean or unkind to her, and she can develop resilience to deal with it, rather than hoping no one will be mean or unkind to her again (because they will - that's life)

Thing is you aren’t actually ‘seeing’ most of this behaviour as you say, it’s all passed on from
your DD. So you don’t know for sure what behaviour is happening, and you’d just be basically telling this mum that your DD has told you all this stuff. It’s unlikely to help anything

I absolutely agree this can be the case and learnt very early in school journey that’s there is two sides but not in this case.

I have seen the messages and been there when they started and helped her navigate telling her to stop messaging her etc. I have also heard the voice notes and seen the full messages exchange that they are part of. I also screenshotted everything and went to the school that agreed the behavior was uncalled for and not acceptable.

Thank you for the messages I do agree my impact would be minimal in sorting the situation out between the girls but my question is more about what level of behaviour would you have to see in someone else’s child to tell them about it.

For me what I have seen and heard really is something to share, as my point is I don’t think this is day to day behaviour I think this is someone going down a path of that could lead to suspension etc. Should I not let her know?

what level of behaviour (particularly form girls) would you have to see to tell another mum.

I know her well, socialised together etc. Yes the school know, but my dd didn’t want any of the mitigation type things they offered however they don’t know about the voice notes (to the other girl) which I think they would take a lot more seriously due to what they have said and the language etc. They are essentially threatening.

Your DD should ignore all messages, leave them unread and unanswered. Don’t feed it. Don’t react. Leave the situation alone for her mum to handle.

Don't get involved other than to support your daughter in blocking and staying away from the girl - if you speak to the mother she will just defend her daughter and it will cause a lot more drama. You have reported it to the school so leave it at that. If others have received voice mails and messages from her, that's for their parents to deal with. It's not for your to interfere with what she's doing, unless it involves your child directly.

I think you should go to the victim's parents, ask them if they are aware their DD is being bullied and mention that you have already made a report to the school on your own DD's behalf and will support them if they want to do the same.

My daughter has experienced similar although maybe not to this extent. It was her 'best friend' doing it when in the company of others. I saw the messages and I text the mother and suggested she go and look at her daughter's phone. She's a mum that's very keen on " my daughter wouldn't .... " and quick to point the finger. I screenshot the messages just in case. Her daughters had previous for telling little fibs that have caught up with her. She did say she would speak to her. I don't think we should be teaching our kids to accept shi* behaviour off others.

The OP is literally asking if she should talk to the mum - she doesn’t know if the mum is aware of what’s going on.

Best advice....tell your daughter to block her friend on any social media. They will get the message eventually

I don’t even really mean that there are two sides, I mean you’d be telling this mum all this stuff that your daughter has shown you, so your daughter is the ‘grass’ or ‘snitch’ or whatever they call it at her school. It could just make things worse for your DD because it’s coming from you and you’ve only seen it because DD has grassed on her friend. That can make anyone unpopular in school. Speaking to the mum about the issues between the girls is one thing but you want to tell her everything. I just think there’s a good chance you will make your daughters life harder rather than making the other girls long life better long term.

I’d speak to the school to be honest - such extreme behaviour may be indicative of MH issues or something going on at home. I’d approach them to say your DD has had to block her, that you’ve heard the voice messages which are appalling and that you understand they are being sent to other children at the school. That you are not sure if it is bullying behaviour (which is how it felt to your daughter) or a sign that this child is in distress and might need a safeguarding intervention. Then leave it with them.

Why do schools have to deal with behaviour outside of schools caused by phones?? It’s madness.

Ive not rtft, only to this comment. Id find a way to send these voice notes via email to the school under the subject "Bullying Info for your information" that way its documented in case it escalates and you'd like to think they's take action.

Could you also block this girl on your dd phone? And yes after email to school I would then send the voice notes to the Mum and say I spot check dd phone on a regular basis, found these, feels like bullying messages, Ive blocked your dd now. That way the heat would be towards me, not my Dd and itd be known that I check the phone and send bullying details to the school. I think you taling the heat for it is important and also that school and mum knows. If it blew my relationship up with Mum, well I wouldnt want to be friends with a woman like that and itd be good riddance to her.

I asked chatgpt for you how to send them via email:

How can i send voice notes recieved in whats app to email:

Yes — you can send a WhatsApp voice note to an email. The exact steps depend on whether you’re using iPhone or Android.

On iPhone
Open WhatsApp and go to the chat containing the voice note.

Press and hold the voice note.

Tap Forward.

Tap the Share icon (box with an upward arrow).

Choose Mail (or Gmail/Outlook if you use one).

Enter the email address and send it.

On Android
Open WhatsApp and find the voice note.

Press and hold the voice note.

Tap the three dots → Share.

Choose Gmail, Outlook, or your email app.

Enter the recipient and send.

Yep. I got shouted down on a thread recently about 11 year olds having phones. Because you know, they manage it responsbily and its about teaching them responsibility.

They cant handle it!!!