Should I be asking to go out rather than mentioning it?

[GetOrfMyBin]

This is probably a stupid question and I’m unreasonable for asking, but. I don’t have a lot of friends. I get on with a lot of people and people seem to like me but I haven’t converted into full on friendship really. I’ve got people I know, but I don’t really do things with..I see these people at activities I sometimes do and we speak, it’s friendly. I get on with people at work but again I don’t have close friendships there that some people do. I had my DC young and they’re all older now, but we are still high school age just about. This is only relevant because it’s to show that I haven’t spent time going out or going away while the DC have been growing up, so I’ve not encountered this issue until a few years ago.

I have had one best friend for the past 7 years who I do go out and do things with which I enjoy. We have been on some trips away together. DH and I don’t really go out, he has a small group of friends he’s had since childhood but although I encourage him to go out he very rarely does. He states worrying about money and just not wanting to. Sometimes he wants me to go with him and I don’t always want to, because he should be able to go out with them without me..I get on with them but I don’t always want to go if that makes sense. Over the years DH has got annoyed when I’ve made plans with my best friend. He says that I should ask permission effectively to go, especially if I’m going to stay over. I dont stay over a lot, only if I’ve been drinking as the trains stop quite early and obviously I can’t drive. I will mention plans to him, he doesn’t always listen and then gets annoyed when I remind him I’m going out. I check if we’ve got anything on, though we don’t usually, and I make sure it’s in the family calendar. He is currently annoyed with me because I’m going out over the weekend and staying over. He says I didn’t mention staying over and I didn’t ask. I’d like to reiterate I’m not going out every week, sometimes it’s a few weeks or longer between, but this is becoming more and more of an issue as time goes on. AIBU for not asking to go out?

ETA I did mention it when I mentioned going out, but he is adamant I didn’t

Ask? God no . . .

Your husband is not your boss. Informing him is plenty. Why the hell should you be asking permission? What's his justification?

Tell him and keep him posted, Ask? never.

My husband & I both ask the other before we arrange plans with friends, largely because we have two young children, work, things to juggle basically so one of us being gone overnight increases the workload for the other and so neither of us would just arrange a night away without checking with the other that it works for everyone.

That said though, neither of us would say no for the sake of it, we both are encouraging of each other to get some personal time!

Since you have children that need to be considered, I would discuss it with him before making plans to check it's convenient or whether I should consider another date. But I wouldn't ask in a "seeking permission" way.

I'm not sure it's a case of asking for permission as such, just a discussion before your plans are finalised. What if he had also been making plans to go out or had something he needed to do. His plans wouldn't trump your obviously but I thought discussing things in advance was normal, especially when children are involved in case you're both out and a babysitter is needed!

Ask? Fuck that, no way.

I don’t ask, as in ask permission, but when you’re a couple, I think you should check with the other person before committing to something - e.g. ‘X has asked me to stay over on Sat. Any reason why that won’t work?’
I would expect dh to check with me, just in case of any logistical clashes. I wouldn’t be very happy if he just to announced it, as that presupposes that I don’t have plans myself. Even if your dh doesn’t have plans, it’s nice to be asked!

If your DH needs to stay at home with the DC there should be a discussion to check he is free. I wouldn't use the word permission, but making sure you don't have conflicting plans. I don't think a family calendar is an accurate way to check, there could be a special event come up for you both before getting it on the calendar. If my DH is going away for the night he'd say "I'm thinking of going x on x date, is that alright?" Just checking rather than asking please can I go.

We have primary age kids so we do discuss going out. I think its common courtesy. Ill say,I'm thinking of xyz do we have any plans. If he says no i go ahead. Sometimes, he'll be working late or have something on. Usually its not an issue. So permission no but manners yes.

Fuck that
Don't ask, let him know and don't worry about his friendships

Ask? Never. Mention? Yes. Then I put it in the shared calendar so DH knows I won’t be available. DH does the same. If there’s an issue we discuss it. But neither of us ask.

DC all older, no need to have a babysitter at this stage and he doesn’t need to be in to mind them so to speak. I will mention it to him that I’m going out or to see friend on x date, but sometimes this puts him in a mood. He has specifically said I should be asking to go out. Because things can be a bit touchy when I mention going out this then puts me off wanting to mention, as I get the inevitable snarky comment but I do still mention it and I also get the “it would be nice if you asked”. This evening I asked him what he was doing Saturday (more in terms of is there anything I need to get in particularly for him to do dinner) as one DC is out overnight and reminded him I’m out and staying over. This was where he said, in front of eldest DC, that I didn’t mention it (I did) and also I didn’t ask and he was annoyed with me. I’m currently getting the cold shoulder as a result.

It might be worth doing something to lodge it more deeply in his brain each time. I know my husband sometimes throws things out while I am knee deep in other things mentally and then gets frustrated that I did not really take it in.
Let him know you are going out and then physically write in on a wall calendar that is somewhere he can see, or put it in a quick text 'that next meal out with Sally that I was telling you about is two weeks time on the 27th :)'
It might feel like a pain and that telling him should be enough, but it might reduce the arguments.

Couples should talk with one another and agree what they're happy with, so maybe someone between an ask and a tell?
Used to annoy me when some parents would just waltz off and expect the other partner to do 24/7 childcare, but that's not what you're doing.

Why does he think it would be nice if you asked?

Yeah this. I have this argument debate with my DP often. I don’t like being told ‘on this day I’m going to do this’, because of the assumption that I’ve got everything else. I’m here, DCs accounted for, off I go. I prefer a ‘do you mind if’ - the answer is never no, but it feels more respectful to me.

The needing to 'ask' and the cold shoulder are both problematic. What is the dynamic in your relationship beyond this? Sounds like this is the tip of the unhealthy iceberg?

Asking him carries the implication that he can say 'no', and that he has control over your movements.

If you don't need to worry about childcare any more, I can't see why you should do more than consult the family calendar, and let him know you're going to be out or away, which you already do. Maybe you need to put it in a text or write it on the fridge or something so he can't claim you didn't tell him.

What reason could he ever give for you not to go out, other than him being moody about it?

Is he controlling in any other way? Is he one of those blokes who thinks that any time their partner is out of his sight she must be having an affair?

Do you have to ask his permission for anything else?

You absolutely should not be asking his permission but you need to check with each other that it’s ok and make sure the other one doesn’t have plans.

Your kids might not need constant supervision but they might need lifts etc and so checking with your DP is polite.

I can’t help get the feeling that you’re not as forthcoming with the information as you think you are.
You say that he gets in a mood and so you don’t like bringing it up, but then that is going to cause issues if you’re not being upfront with him.

The next time you make plans, be more forthcoming and tell him and put it on the calendar.
If he gets in a mood, ask him why he’s in a mood and tell him to grow up.

There is a balance to be had here. No one should be asking another adult for permission to go out, but you do mention him needing to do dinner for the DC while you are out. There should be a conversation between you about whether he is OK to cover sorting the DC while you go out. Of course if he is a decent person he should be fine with that as long as you check with him first. So not asking permission, but checking he is OK to pick up the slack is fair.

Look up coercive control and see if this sounds like your marriage. If it does then I would make plans to line your ducks up to get out of it

It all sounds quite boring. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be?

Aside from that start using a shared family calendar for this stuff.

I mean, I'll say are you OK having the kids Saturday whilst I see Jill, or do you mind if I go to the cinema with Jack Sunday or if I'm being cute ill say am I allowed to go out and see Jack and Jill next weekend, but it's not exactly a question in that he'd only say no if there was something I'd missed re plans.

Ask him as in ask himfor actual permission? No