Should I be asking to go out rather than mentioning it?

[GetOrfMyBin]

This is probably a stupid question and I’m unreasonable for asking, but. I don’t have a lot of friends. I get on with a lot of people and people seem to like me but I haven’t converted into full on friendship really. I’ve got people I know, but I don’t really do things with..I see these people at activities I sometimes do and we speak, it’s friendly. I get on with people at work but again I don’t have close friendships there that some people do. I had my DC young and they’re all older now, but we are still high school age just about. This is only relevant because it’s to show that I haven’t spent time going out or going away while the DC have been growing up, so I’ve not encountered this issue until a few years ago.

I have had one best friend for the past 7 years who I do go out and do things with which I enjoy. We have been on some trips away together. DH and I don’t really go out, he has a small group of friends he’s had since childhood but although I encourage him to go out he very rarely does. He states worrying about money and just not wanting to. Sometimes he wants me to go with him and I don’t always want to, because he should be able to go out with them without me..I get on with them but I don’t always want to go if that makes sense. Over the years DH has got annoyed when I’ve made plans with my best friend. He says that I should ask permission effectively to go, especially if I’m going to stay over. I dont stay over a lot, only if I’ve been drinking as the trains stop quite early and obviously I can’t drive. I will mention plans to him, he doesn’t always listen and then gets annoyed when I remind him I’m going out. I check if we’ve got anything on, though we don’t usually, and I make sure it’s in the family calendar. He is currently annoyed with me because I’m going out over the weekend and staying over. He says I didn’t mention staying over and I didn’t ask. I’d like to reiterate I’m not going out every week, sometimes it’s a few weeks or longer between, but this is becoming more and more of an issue as time goes on. AIBU for not asking to go out?

ETA I did mention it when I mentioned going out, but he is adamant I didn’t

I would not be with this man, you’re a grown woman and don’t need permission.

PP’s keep talking about mentioning it, which yes is nice and courteous but not the point. He’s expecting you to ask him for his permission. Fuck that.

Ask! Ask! Fuck no!!
It’s common courtesy to keep him in the loop and let him know your plans but ask permission! Absolutely not!!

Agree with the majority. You should not need to ask his permission, but you should be checking that there isn't a genuine reason why those dates won't work.

I visit friends and stay over fairly regularly now our DS has grown up, and I know I don't need to ask permission, but I always run the dates by DH before I agree, out of consideration for him.

He’s controlling. I’d never have to “ask”, and by the sounds of it he gets moody whenever you mention it, this is coercive behaviour.

I "ask" dh if im alright to go out , say on Saturday night. The answer is always the same 'bloody hell lass, you don't need my permission to out, go a enjoy yourself"

The reason I ask is always the same- just to make sure its not clashing with something Ive forgotten about. Menopausal fog is a bitch!

When the kids were young it was to make sure he hadn't arranged to go out on the same night, or the kids might have needed picking up from separate venues for example now its out of curiosity and making sure we haven't got wires crossed.

Thank you. I do really appreciate the replies and input. I do mention it, there is just almost always a comment when I do which is what makes me uncomfortable about mentioning. Like I say, when the DC were younger I very very rarely used to go out, so before this I’ve always pretty much been at home unless I’ve been at work. Yes there is the fact he would need to cook for DC, who could cook for themselves really but he needs to eat too so it makes sense for him to just cook a meal. He wouldn’t be having to do any driving as he doesn’t drive.

I have kept the question at a very basic level because essentially I don’t feel really I should have to necessarily ask permission. The same goes for him. I’m not expecting him to ask my permission. Just let me know he’s going out, but he doesn’t go out and there have been times in the past where I’ve said I’m not going out with him and his friends and then he’s cancelled to go out. Make him aware, definitely yes. But there always feels like I’m always doing something wrong. He has said to me not long ago if I am doing anything where I’m staying out of the house in future that we need to have a discussion about it and that he should be allowed to say yes or no. No it’s not particularly a healthy marriage really…in terms of coercive control I do recognise elements of that with past behaviour. There have been times in the past I’ve not been allowed to sleep in my own bed. Additionally, I’ve had a long period of being unwell due to mental health and recovery has been slow. We haven’t done much sexually for a while and this is a driving force in him being annoyed at me. The more he brings it up, the more I retreat because I feel pressured and the cycle repeats. He’s mentioned divorce, but I don’t think he really means it. I feel like I’m in a situation I cannot really leave because a) the DC wouldn’t forgive me and b) I don’t know where to start. Financially it’s not viable. I’ve never been on my own since 19 and we have been together over 20 years.

I consult, rather than ask. Just to see what my partner has going on and whether him being left managing the kids at that time is going to cause any major issues or if he was also planning to be out. But we both understand the importance of a healthy social life and tend to encourage each other to get out, so it’s a supportive consultation rather than a debate about whether or not I should be going out.

I'd be pissed off if DH just announced he was off on the such a date. Id expect him to discuss it and he would because he is a normal person.
'I want to go out with Andy on the 9th, and ideally stay over, will that be ok with you? Sorry to leave you with all the dog walks/bedtimes/extracurriculars/ bins/window fitters....' He's not asking to be allowed to go, he's asking if things can be made to work for everyone without him.

I don’t ask in a “please allow me to go” kind of way. But I do ask, and it’s more of a “there isn’t any reason why it doesn’t work for me to be out next Saturday, is there?”

I think it depends, in so far as if theirs kids involved that one of you would need to solo parenting.

I think its reasonable for both partners to take the same approach with ask v tell, or checking a shared calendar.

Id expect if kids at home I think its fair for both partners to say I want to go out Xday are you OK to have the kids/ive checked the calender and its free so youll have to be solo parent.

But I would only be "asking" if DH was free to be solo dad.

If no kids were in the home id just be telling/saying/noting the calendar

Hi op you don’t need his permission just let him know out of politeness I’m out on such a day with x I’m going to stay over save the hassle of getting transport get him to acknowledge it there and then if he gets a strop on just say I’m a grown woman we are not in the olden days I am letting you know but I won’t ask permission. Seriously some men on here are bloody awful.

Sounds like you need a bit of support OP. If you can afford it, find a therapist and treat yourself to 6x initial sessions before you decided whether you want to / can afford to continue. Failing that, find a course on Assertiveness Training for Women. Or look it up online and start training yourself. Also, buy yourself a copy of A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson - it's been out for years but still worth reading. Don't allow yourself to be browbeaten.

He's being controling. You dont need to ask his permission. You are not a child. He is your husband not your father.