AIBU to feel sad about the family I will never have?

[TheBlueRobin]

I’m not sure if this is silly, but I think I’m grieving a family I’ll never have. I grew up an only child with hardworking parents and a lovely mum, but neither of them were close to their own families. So no big gatherings, no “big family Christmases”. It was just us, and that was normal to me. In my 20s I had lots of friends, independence, travelling, fun, and that felt like enough.

Now I’m in my 30s, getting married, and suddenly everyone around me seems very family‑orientated. Having kids, reconnecting with relatives and siblings, big networks, cousins everywhere. And I’m realising I don’t have that, and probably never will.

My partner’s family is… complicated. His mum is narcissistic, manipulative, not warm at all. There's always drama witg her. He’s low contact. His siblings both have their own issues and still live at home. Their house always feels tense, never welcoming, no one communicates properly, but we’re still expected to go there even though they never come to us or suggest meeting elsewhere. If we suggested going for a walk or visiting somewhere new they would look at you like you'd grown a second head.

My lovely mum has sadly died, and my dad, although he cares, doesn’t really “do” family. He doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t show interest, doesn’t initiate anything. If I don’t organise visits or holidays, nothing happens. His main interest is going to the pub. So my “family” is basically me keeping the wheels turning. If we have kids, they won’t have cousins or much support.

And I keep thinking back to when I was younger and dated someone with a big, warm, extended family. They all spent time together and had seemed really interested in life. I know you can’t manufacture that from thin air, but I still feel the loss of it. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has felt this, mourning the idea of a family you never had, and probably never will. I know I should be grateful for what I do have but still feel sad.

Your situation is increasingly common. As people have smaller families, the networks or cousins diminish. and you are allowed to feel sad about that.

The only option is to build a network of friends instead and make your own community.

do you hope to have children yourself?

My family was small like yours. On my mum’s side, literally every young man in her family died in WW2, including her own dad (my grandad). On my dad’s side, the family were farmers and dad was an only child during wartime, and again the trauma meant his mum had no more children - she lost her brothers. Her own mum (my grandma) had a breakdown when her three sons were all killed in action.

So I had no cousins and I had a half-uncle who didn’t have kids. I have one brother who moved overseas 30 years ago and isn’t good at keeping in touch. My dh has a bigger family but spread across Europe and so our kids don’t know their cousins well.

It is very lonely if you stop and think.

I am a big believer in the concept of found family. I have a wonderful big sister figure in my life - she is much older but she lost her husband to cancer young and never remarried or had kids. She is like an aunt to my children.

You are young enough to have a lovely family of your own. You can make it everything you dreamed of. My upbringing was strict & we didn’t see much of the wider family due to fall outs but my house is full of gorgeous teenagers now. It’s a safe place for my 2 kids and their friends and such a fun atmosphere most of the time. Build the life you want. Good luck.x

I have the big family you dream of - mum was 1 of 4, dad 1 of 3 so there are aunts/uncles/cousins. I’m one of 5 so have siblings/nieces/nephews. Birthdays and Christmas are big and loud, I don’t know any different… But with big families you tend to find big drama! There is always something going on.

DP on the other hand has his parents and a younger DB who is single who we barely see (early 20’s so busy with work and friends). He LOVES his quiet family and whilst he has got better over the years, I can tell he feels still uncomfortable when attending a family get together on my side. Sometimes I really appreciate the pleasant calm of his family celebrations.

Maybe OP, families are just like boobs - whilst there are some that are happy with their lot, most would prefer to have bigger or smaller than they’ve got!

I thought this was going to be about you being alone and not able to have children, so from that angle, it feels like you have a lot to be happy about, having lots of friends and fun in your 20s and now in your 30s getting married and planning your own family. Of course that doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad not to have more family and losing your lovely mum will be especially hard, not having her through this next phase of life will be sad, and seeing friends with big extended families can make it harder.

But you and your DH-to-be will make your own loving family and your friends will be there for you and whole new networks can evolve if you have kids and become part of a community through schools etc. I’m not dismissing your sadness - and nor am I saying it’s sad to be single and without children if that’s what a person wants - but it does sound like life is going well in some key ways so it’d be a shame to focus too much on what you don’t have.

I get the feeling of being surrounded by people in big involved families when you're not. I've made some great friends but it's hard when they've got big families as you can't compete really. At times like Christmas they'll always prioritise family.

From my experience my advice would be to intentionally invest in friendships with others in a similar situation and learn how to survive holiday seasons when it's just your family.

Maybe more controversially I'd recommend no more than 2 kids if you don't have any extended family support unless it's something you really feel you'd cope well with. I do appreciate that with the trend of families getting smaller that sort of feeds into it.

I'm kind of in the same situation, but I am 50 now. So maybe your future.

My parents are both dead. Although I technically have a sibling, he and his wife are truly awful, toxic people so I am no contact. There is one cousin and her descendants who are normal and lovely, but they live several hours away.

I only had one child, but that child is now married and has a child. I am very close to the child, who for various reasons I am like a part time third parent to (with encouragement of both parents), and have a lot of contact with and offer high levels of support.

We get together as a family at least monthly, sometimes more, and of course birthdays and Christmas etc.

I close friends, several of 20-25 years. Some had children late, so we often all get together with their children and my grandchild. Others had children young like me and have grandchildren, so we share that experience too.

In short, I could have been in the situation with no family, but I have created my own. A combination of my own descendents and spouse, and my friends families too, where their children are like unofficial cousins.

I am sure you will make/find your own family too

I come from a large extended family. We were all very close when I was small, but everyone has gone in their own directions. I have cousins I was close to growing up that I have absolutely nothing in common with as an adult. Nice people and of course I care about them, but not my people. That feels lonely at times if I dwell on it, becasue there's an expectation (however unrealistic) that there should be a closer bond becasue we're related. My people are my inner circle of friends. They feel more like family than most of my actual family.

I come from a large extended family. We were all very close when I was small, but everyone has gone in their own directions. I have cousins I was close to growing up that I have absolutely nothing in common with as an adult. Nice people and of course I care about them, but not my people. That feels lonely at times if I dwell on it, becasue there's an expectation (however unrealistic) that there should be a closer bond becasue we're related. My people are my inner circle of friends. They feel more like family than most of my actual family.

I get this expectation, I know my parents are disappointed that I'm not close with my cousins. These are people I've not even seen in the last decade due to distance so to me it's obvious why I'm not close.

My kids have no cousins, it’s one reason we went for 3.

YANBU I really feel for you OP. I worry for my only Ds once we are gone.

I can completely empathise OP. When my dad died, I grieved the relationship we didn’t have, rather that the one we did. His sister is completely different and is extremely family oriented - she makes an effort to include me (and my sibling) and our children. My mother is always invited but makes excuses to leave early and is, quite frankly, rude. We never had much of a relationship with our cousins growing up, even though they lived in the next town. It’s such a shame.

My parents have always done their own thing and as far as they were concerned, when we turned 18, their work was pretty much done and they moved hours away and went headlong into ridiculously early retirement, where they prioritised their friends and extended trips abroad for the entirety of every school holiday.

Of course, now my mother is on her own, hours away, her friends are dying off (or she’s fallen out with them), her health isn’t the best and she’s ‘so lonely’. Refuses to move near one of us or do/pay for anything to make life easier, never phones, won’t use technology, complains she never sees the grandchildren, never, ever phones me.

Every so often it does hit me, particularly when I see how families rally around and support each other (I work in the NHS). It hits in unexpected ways - for example seeing a couple of (great?) grandparents doting over a tiny grandchild in the pool on holiday. Mine would have never dreamed of doing anything like that!

DH’s family is dysfunctional in it’s own way, but my lovely MIL is warm, welcoming, adores spending time with the grandchildren (including my eldest, who she views as her first grandchild even though not blood related) and I can talk to her.

It’s hard OP and you are not being unreasonable to feel like this.

In a way, yes.

I’m An only child born to parents who had me later in life and died young.

As a child we saw some family occasionally but my maternal uncle didn’t live in the uk so we saw his family rarely and only saw my paternal aunt/uncle/cousins maybe once a year. There were a few cousins of my mums we saw a bit as she had a lot of first cousins, but we never had regular family gatherings that I can remember. I felt the loss as a child and I still feel it now. I do see my maternal cousins more as an adult but only really when they come over (one of their DDs works here) but don’t see paternal cousins at all - sadly one I was closer to died.

I have dh, adult children and dh’s small family. His parents have now died and so it’s just his brother/their adult DC, and a few cousins who we see at bigger family occasions like weddings and funerals. We do see his brother’s family more regularly but we’re not particularly close although everyone is comfortable in each others’ company.

I am hoping that the first cousins ie, our DC and BIL DC build families so they can start again but there’s nothing yet in the horizon and they’re not particularly close now they’re older and don’t keep in touch apart from when we get together.

Big families seem to be the ones who have siblings who get on and their DC are all friends (and often when the older generation are around to cement it all together). It’s def at times of high days and holy days I feel the loss more, I don’t really on a daily basis.

Create your own big family. Honestly, if you had 3 or more DCs, it will be time consuming and intense. You’ll probably feel relieved that you don’t have the ‘obligation’ of having to go and visit family, for example especially at Christmas when you would rather stay at home.
When your DCs get older, you’ll have all their friends and possibly their parents in your lives and that can make life very busy too. It’s difficult to imagine before you have DCs, but you end up longing for quiet time without people in it at times.

Same.

I’m in a similar situation. DH and I are from small families. We have never had a single extended family get together either as children or as adults. . I’m late 40’s now and haven’t seen cousins since I was a young child myself. I wouldn’t know them if they walked past me in the street.

DS is only 5 and he has no siblings or cousins and GP were deceased or very elderly when he was born.

We were conscious that this could be quite isolating for him so we spent his early years aggressively building up a community for him.

I went to literally every single baby and toddler group imaginable and as a result soon found quite a few others in similar situations. We are all now really quite close and pretty much treat each other as family. We’ve all been enjoying days out together during the school holidays while others with bigger families spend time with cousins or GP. It’s worked really well for us but you do need to put the effort in at the outset.

I don’t give the lack of extended family a second thought now and actually prefer the choice and freedom our current set up allows not least because you can choose your friends but not your family!

I grew up in a fairly large family. My parents were both one of four so I had lots of aunts, uncles, cousins. As a child I saw them all regularly and our Christmas was lovely and I still remember them fondly. When I started my family I had four children as I wanted to have what my nan had had one day - a Christmas table full of children and their partners, lots of grandchildren. That hadn’t happened yet as they haven’t had their own families yet but it still might one day.

However, what I have kind of learned is that in time families to branch away from each other. My cousins now have children and grandchildren of their own. I went to one of my aunts 80th earlier in the year and she was head of her own family just as my nan had been. She sat on the table full of her children, their partners, grandchildren and a great grandchild. I was on the edge of that family group now.

I think we have to look down as well as up when it comes to families as they will be the ones that are there as we get older and the generations above pass on and cousins have their own line to care for and concentrate on.

My mother’s family died of TB. My father split from his family because he was an awkward bastard but his father’s family lived thousands of miles away, anyway. What is left is scattered around the UK and not close. I have no partner and no children.

I have come to terms with this, but it took a long time and I still wish life had turned out differently. I’m genuinely thankful for what I have, but I would love siblings and I would love to have experienced parents who were concerned for me and interested in me. Sometimes I invent an imaginary brother and sister. I look at siblings I know who get on well with each other and it does drive home what I’ve never had.

This op, do you want children? The family you create will be the best family unit you'll ever have.
I do know what you mean though even though I do have the big extended family and I think getting married is when it comes to light. I think planning my wedding was the first time in my life I wished I had a sister. It just felt like all my friends had their sisters as maid of honour etc and there was just something that felt a bit different about it than having a friend. Also felt similar when I had my dc.

I think you're being a bit negative OP. Can you have lots of children yourself?Can you connect with other people? Many people have big families but also big falling outs. You need to make the life you want with what you have.

Just start having kids and enjoy them (well, the early years are hard but you'll enjoy them eventually). Create your own family.

It's rare for a big family to be harmonious and all loving. Usually comes with drama and there is always one person actually keeping it all together. I have a big family on my mum's side but when my great uncle died (he was the patriarch, the authority, the peace maker, and all round amazing human being), it all went to hell. Very few even speak to each other anymore.

We got married at a registry office with no guests for this reason. We had virtually no family so it seemed pointless doing anything else. We told friends about it a few months later when we were out with them.

I know what you mean @TheBlueRobin and to me it magnifies when you have kids and get involved in school and the community. Everyone else seems to have other family, even if its just a couple of people. And ive tried to build my own family as suggested but at holiday times people stick to their own families eg xmas, easter etc. And your left trying to make another quiet time fun and lively for your kids but you cant magic relatives out of thin air.
So I get it.

I’m going to be frank. I think you are being really pessimistic OP. I genuinely thought you were in your 60s and hadn’t been married or had kids and were really lonely. You need to stop thinking the grass is always greener. I have big family Christmassys (mum is one of four as am I) but you know what I’ve decided to do a few times over the last few years, escape to the sun!! I don’t talk to my sister, barely see my brothers. It’s honestly not it’s all cracked up to be and I think you need to start being grateful for what you actually have, which is more than some.